Stabford Deathrage

Today we're going to wreck the horror film Wrecker. Two young women are pursued by a vengeful truck driver in this tepid remake of Steven Spielberg's classic TV-movie Duel. After a lengthy and tedious opening sequence of a man worrying over…

Dogs attack after a poorly-rendered meteor crashes in a small town in this unintentionally hilarious Asylum film. Chunks of green-glowing meteor no one seems to notice causes dogs to change into killers amidst excessive shaky cam and a…

After Native American totems are disturbed, the vengeful spirits of snow-swimming sharks attack hapless skiers because why wouldn't they in this nonsensical horror film. Avalanche Sharks opens with Go-Pro selfie stick footage of airborne…

Astronauts working on a lunar base during a meteor storm encounter a strange infectious disease that results in a script reminiscent of Alien in this derivative sci-fi horror film. A crew becomes stranded on the moon after a meteor storm…

A fun-loving group of American tourists vacationing in Panama indulges in obligatory music montages, slo-mo party sequences, and inexplicable shower scenes, because the script appears to have been written on a cocktail napkin. Tiring of…

A malevolent entity possesses teens due to VHS crime scene footage in this derivative horror film slightly starring Christian Slater. In 1994, Harlan Diehl viciously murders his family at their farmhouse amidst cliched shaky cam footage.…

Yu Shu Lien, legendary warrior played by Michelle Yeoh, travels to Peking. On route, her carriage is attacked by mysterious, masked warriors. A horseman joins her in battle, and together they defeat them. Meanwhile, a young woman named Snow…

After failing to hold their breaths while driving past a cemetery, a murderous ghost possesses an SUV filled with douchebags in this Asylum horror film. A felon convicted of stabbing someone 62 times with a fountain pen is killed by…

Sharknadoes destroy large chunks of the Eastern US, and David Hasselhoff goes to space in this third installment of the stormy franchise. As the country is placed under something called a 'significant weather advisory', Fin Shepard, played…

In the year 2047, a soldier collects evidence against a shadowy government in this dimly-lit action film. After parachuting from his computer-generated helicopter, Stephen Baldwin uses his handy staple gun to close a nasty wound. While…

An elf, a cleric, and an orc battle the forces of evil in this dreary adventure film. After a period of lengthy voiceover narration, a woman wearing a cowl and a complicated mask obscuring her face shoots down a computer-generated dragon…

A woman stumbles upon a dangerous game of organ harvesting while stranded on a tropical island in this tedious adventure film. A woman wearing high heeled boots and purposefully torn designer jeans finds she's washed ashore on an island as…

A journalist investigates a sinister conspiracy in this not-especially-thrilling thriller. Barely seconds into the film, the word 'committed' is misspelled in the expository inter-title, which barely describes the events of the Salem Witch…

Using 'flesh-regeneration' technology, a scientist revives dinosaurs which then go on a rampage through Los Angeles but are sometimes flummoxed by modern windows and doors in this unintentionally hilarious Asylum film. A plastic dinosaur…

A soldier squats in a dead cowboy hat-clad wizard's house and finds the neighborhood is infested with orcs in this action/adventure film. A princess in a bustier outruns a floating witch dressed in cheesecloth and her orc army, and then a…

Half-Men with sticks are kidnapped by Rock-Men with sticks and rescued by Average-Sized Men with sticks in this laughably bad Lord Of The Rings/Hobbit homage from The Asylum. 12,000 years ago in Indonesia, a tribe of dwarves is attacked by…

A rockstar hides in a sorority while his manager tries to kill him in this tedious film directed by David Michael Latt, founder of the film studio The Asylum. After a night on the town, rock star Jamie Z. crashes his car, and nerdy college…

Hansel comes home to find Gretel has become a witch in this incoherent fairy-tale based horror film. After a guy enters Gretel's coffeeshop after-hours to get one of her freshly-baked and somewhat-important-to-the-plot Soylent pies, someone…

Adrian Paul, Richard Grieco, and some other folks try to survive on a hostile planet in this dreadful Asylum film. As a spacecraft shoots laser beams at a city, people frantically try to board a spaceship as the spaceship says, "For your…

A baron burned at the stake in 1661 returns to life in 1961, reincarnating as a brain-sucking monster in this Mexican horror film. Hooded guys from the Inquisition accuse a baron of 'practicing witchcraft and necromancy in a clumsy…