We eat your words

STABFORD DEATHRAGE’S NETFLIX NASTIES: The Ouija Resurrection

Theater-goers are preyed upon by the ghost of a child-eating monster unleashed from a Ouija board because why not in this nonsensical horror/comedy.

After a brief recap from the first film reminding me how bad the first film was and the mind-numbing boredom that awaits me, the writers of Ouija Resurrection desperately wants everyone to know the 3 rules of Ouija that Parker Brothers didn’t include with the game: the most important being that after playing Ouija one must always say goodbye. Since it was featured so prominently in the first film and I guess no one read the script, no one does it.

OUR LATEST VIDEOS

Suddenly, it’s revealed in a meta-moment that the first movie was an actual, not-very-good movie, and the cast makes an appearance at a showing of the first film in a small Oklahoma town. This plot point is a cop-out, and it isn’t particularly interesting, and by ‘cop-out’ I mean there’s a creepy, important-to-the-plot cop lurking in the back of the theater. An audience member has a brief psychic episode, and a shill reveals that the theater is haunted. Then someone wins a chance to spend the night in the haunted theater with the cast, which in my opinion sounds like a contest no one wins.

After some dodgy editing, shaky camerawork, tepid jump scares, a lengthy and tedious set-up, a terrible script, dreadful acting, stiff dialogue, 30-year old disposable teenagers with little to do, some not-so-special special effects, and 20 minutes of boring runtime, the Ouija board finally makes an appearance. It’s not very interesting. Then the lead actress struggles with a trip down a basement stairwell. Someone forgets to say ‘Goodbye’ to the Ouija board, resulting in some extremely brief and lackluster paranormal occurrences.

OUR LATEST VIDEOS

Suddenly, a poorly-rendered and difficult to see CGI ghost of a child-eating monster appears, I think. It’s not particularly interesting.

The creepy local sheriff hassles the two male leads, then one of them discovers some ‘3D video glasses’, which seem to be regular sunglasses with a dangling wire attached to the frame. These amazing sunglasses allow him to see the ghost that I think earlier victims could see as well, then he runs around the empty theatre. Sadly, these glasses seem to get him killed. Someone should go back to Sunglass Hut and demand a refund.

Suddenly, there’s lame footage of people attending the haunted attraction within the theater to a drum-n-bass soundtrack, which briefly livens things up in a mid-90s rave sort of way. Then the lead actress inexplicably sells dvds of the first movie because why not. After more lackluster special effects, the Ouija board reappears at 55 minutes, joined by a little used EVP recorder.

Suddenly, as the characters dwindle due to ghost-related attrition, the film takes an odd police-related torture porn turn, and not for the better.

Spoiler Alert: It involves an out-of-focus monster chained up in the theater basement for some reason, and it’s wearing a Halloween store witch costume.

Ouija Resurrection or whatever it’s being called lately is a confusing jumble of several not-very-good horror elements, none of which make a lot of sense and very little of it having to do with Ouija boards. Lacking coherence or scares, it’s mildly recommended if you like stuff that sucks.

Struggling for inspiration this festive season? Check out our comprehensive guide for the best nerdy and geeky Christmas gift ideas!