STABFORD DEATHRAGE’S NETFLIX NASTIES: Zoombies (2015)

Animals in a high-tech zoo become zombies for some reason in this terrible Asylum horror film.

A CGI primate goes into cardiac arrest, dies, and becomes a zombie for some reason. Attacking veterinarians in the face, it flings someone’s eyeball. After 10 minutes of character development, a conservative minor character gets dirty with a warthog. After some bickering, a zombified lemur bursts out of a veterinarian’s chest because why not. Small zombie primates attack, and one is thrown. Another is crushed by a door. A rampaging zombie primate is wrapped in a vest and thrown against a wall. It’s not particularly interesting.

Suddenly, an ape puppet gives a thoughtful pose. Characters hide from an attacking warthog in the safety of a flimsy merch kiosk made of reeds. Then two zombie giraffes pull a disposable character apart because why not.

Chunks of koala make an appearance, followed by an accidentally laughable scene of the cast unconvincingly riding computer-generated elephants. Someone is bitten by a lemur, and an injured character has Vaseline applied to his wounds, which everyone knows is standard first aid for zombie lemur lacerations.

Suddenly, the film crew is reflected in a TV monitor, then an unconvincing gorilla crushes a guy’s skull. Some unconvincingly computer-generated zombie lions run amuck, then a jeep unconvincingly collides with a tree. Some time later, the remaining cast unconvincingly zip-lines.

Now I know what you’re going to say, and you’re right. I have said the words suddenly and unconvincingly too often, even by my standards. It’s totally out of my hands. Blame The Asylum for justifying those words and the frequency of their use.

Suddenly, an unconvincingly murderous parrot makes an appearance, and a bald eagle lays its eggs in someone’s gooey entails, resulting in bird strangling. Then everything explodes, resulting in flaming computer-generated birds, and not a moment too soon.

Ridiculous and surprisingly boring, even by Asylum standards, Zoombies is the last, sad gasp of the zombie genre, where The Asylum single-handedly cut off its head and destroyed its brain. However, it’s mildly recommended if you like stuff that sucks.

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