STABFORD DEATHRAGE’S NETFLIX NASTIES: Little Dead Rotting Hood (2016)

NOTE: We did have a video for this, but then YouTube removed it. Why? Who knows. Because they’re buttholes? Let’s go with that.

The fairytale of Little Red Riding Hood is given the Asylum treatment in this dreadful horror film.

The film opens with Grandma getting fully-grown Little Red Riding Hood mostly-killed and burying her in the front yard to fulfill some vague ‘destiny’. Little Red Riding Hood claws her way out of the grave zombie-like while wearing some sort of clawed wolf gloves. Grandma offs herself for some reason, and Little Red Riding Hood is now wearing a Little Red Crop Top, and sporting some fresh zombie wounds, demon eyes, and vampire teeth. I’m not sure why.

A wolf attack ruins a douchey party of 30-year old teenagers on a pier where one of those Burning Man Flame-Twirlers is considered entertainment.

Suddenly, there is some over-used and continuity-defying fog, a crucial-to-the-plot strip tease and lap dance, and an indoor continuity-defying wolf attack. I’m not sure why.

The cops investigate, and they form an angry coot-filled mob to hunt for wolves. When a crazy coot carrying a flame-thrower joins the hunting party, the deputy says, ‘We’re not storming the beaches at Normandy’. I’m not sure why. Did the soldiers who stormed the beaches at Normandy carry flame-throwers? Again, I’m not sure. Maybe we should check Wikipedia, or maybe we shouldn’t. Then a hunting party member named Cletus gets eaten. The deputy says, ‘Crexy’, which apparently is an unfortunate portmanteau of ‘sexy’ and ‘creepy’.

The sheriff buys 30 lbs of meat from the silver train-car diner that’s featured in every Asylum movie, but I think he meant a slab of ribs, which he dangles from a tree as wolf bait.

Suddenly, there’s an unconvincing werewolf transformation scene, a less-than-thrilling fight scene, and the neighborhood SWAT team shows up. Someone digs in 1″ of the soil of a fresh grave, finding an important-to-the-plot cape and sword, which I’m nearly certain wasn’t in the original fairy tale.

The sheriff gets involved in some family strife, where his wife dumps his kids on him so they’re conveniently in danger.

Little Dead Rotting Hood contains a poorly-rendered CGI Big Bad Biped Wolf, dialogue that includes the phrase ‘Sweet Patootie’, and at least one stuffed wolf. It’s yawn-inducing, doesn’t make an awful lot of sense, and it took me 4 days to watch it because I kept falling asleep from boredom. I’m still not sure why Little Red Riding Hood had to become a werewolf zombie. Maybe they explained that while I was asleep. Little Dead Rotting Hood is another example of Asylum taking a germ of an idea from a fairy tale and expanding it into a germ of a genre film. Avoid Little Dead Rotting Hood like it was a forest full of werewolf zombies.