We’ve brought this up already in our article about the things we’d like to see from Xbox at this year’s E3, but the best announcements from E3 are the ones that take you by surprise. They come out of leftfield, blindsiding you whilst reminding you why you loved gaming in the first place.
With that in mind, we’ve donned our Mystic Meg costumes (yes, that is a dated, UK specific reference), grabbed our crystal balls and tried to predict some announcements from E3 2018 that, like an RKO, will come from out of nowhere. Let’s get to it, and yes, we’re totally being serious.
1. Fortnite Cancelled
Taking place during one of the big conferences (Sony or Xbox will do), CEO of Epic Games Tim Sweeney will take to the stage and announce that the popular free to play battle royale game Fortnite is now cancelled, citing that “the game has peaked after that Thanos crossover. We’re going to quit while we’re ahead.”
When quizzed further after the conference, Tim will announce the real reason why it’s been cancelled, and it may shock you: “Okay, so it turns out there’s this gaming editor for a website called Cultured Vultures. I’ve never heard of the site, but apparently he’s sick to fucking death of hearing about Fortnite, so we’re doing him a favour.”
2. “+ Rabbids” to become a hot new trend
One of the breakout hits of the past year was the collaboration between Nintendo and Ubisoft in the form of Mario + Rabbids: Kingdom Battle. A sort of XCOM-lite, Kingdom Battle combined cutesy characters with rewarding strategy to create something that had no right to be as good as it was.
Of course, Ubisoft have realised that there’s money to be made from this, and have devoted countless resources to the putting Rabbids in everything. Get ready for games like “Mortal Kombat + Rabbids”, “The Sims + Rabbids” and even “Sonic Mania + Rabbids & Knuckles”. They’re taking over, just accept it.
3. Obligatory Half-Life 3 Segment
It wouldn’t be a surprise gaming prediction article without giving at least a passing mention to what is essentially the urban legend of Half-Life 3. But this year is going to be the year. We can feel it. Valve even launched a new website and teased that they’re working on new “top secret” games. It’s finally happening.
Here’s how we picture this one playing out: during the PC Gamer hosted “PC Gaming Show” which runs at E3, Gabe Newell will take to the stage, saying the following: “I’ve had it with you bastards talking about Half-Life, so here’s Half-Life 3. Also, because you keep saying we’re scared of the number 3, here’s Portal 3, Left 4 Dead 3 and Team Fortress 3. Now sit down and shut up.” Mic drop, crowds gives a standing ovation, everything is right with the world, curtains.
4. Square Enix Cancels Everything
It feels like Square Enix fans have been waiting for what seems like an eternity for games such as Final Fantasy VII Remake, Kingdom Hearts 3 and the Avengers project. Enix, knowing full well that all these games are probably still a decade away because they’re not known for working quickly, decide to cancel all these projects as a mercy to those fans.
Instead, they’re going to divert all resources to something no one could have expected, or probably wanted: The Bouncer Transmedia Universe. We’re talking remaking the first game then turning it into a trilogy, a comic book run, a prequel series debuting on Netflix (13 episodes, grittier than the Marvel shows, that pillock who played Light in the live action Death Note to play Sion) and more. Get ready, get hyped.
5. What A Gamble
EA have been causing a lot of controversy with their stance on loot boxes in regards to gambling. They then further kicked the hornet’s nest when a transcript from an investors meeting reveals they’re planning to double down their loot box efforts in the future, despite threats of legal action from various organisations around the world.
We believe things will lead up to their natural conclusion at E3, as EA’s CEO Andrew Wilson invites Marja Appelman, CEO of the Dutch Gambling Authority, on stage at the EA Play event during E3. In an act of brazen defiance of the legal ramifications, Wilson opens a giant loot box in front of Marja before flipping her the bird and peacing out. That’ll show ‘em.
6. Twitter LITERALLY has a meltdown
You may have heard people on social media that Twitter “could not handle this”, or that it “literally had a meltdown”. Well it’s going to happen. Seriously. Sony will announce a new game, probably some Kart Racer involving all their best IPs, and the Twitter servers just implode from the amount hype being vomited onto the platform. It takes a week for them to restore regular service, and during that time, productivity worldwide increases exponentially.
7. Josef Fares fucks more things
Josef Fares, writer and director of the critically acclaimed A Way Out, made something of a name for himself during The Game Awards when he stood next to an unaware Geoff Keighley and brazenly pronounced “Fuck The Oscars”. It was unexpected, Keighley looked like he was about to die from cringing, and the internet bloody loved it.
Keen to repeat his successes, EA are going to grant this loose cannon a five minute segment during EA Play to let him get some things off his chest: “Whilst I’m here, fuck Thanos. He’s a bit of a dick. Fuck you if you didn’t like A Way Out. Fuck you if you did. Also, fuck EA and their loot box poli-” Fares is then dragged off stage by burly men in suits and is never seen nor heard from again.
8. The Ouya gets revived
If at first you don’t succeed, give it another go. Who cares? Drunk on money, power or just booze, Razer, who purchased the software assets of Ouya Inc back in 2015, decide to give it another go, because the world needs another console, right? Renamed the “Bouya”, because that’s the sound investors will make when they’re cashing those cheques in at the bank, this version will actually have games. Maybe. Can you tell this isn’t a serious article yet? Is the joke landing?
And that’s the list. Well done if you managed to make it this far. As a reward, you get to be the person to tell your friends how dumb this article is. Get to work. What are some of your craziest predictions for E3 2018? Half-Life 3? Dreamcast 2? Lycans? Let us know in the comments.
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