Whisper it, but Cyberpunk 2077 is a video game that will come out at some point before the end of human civilisation. It’s probably going to be good because it was made by the same guys behind The Witcher 3 and they seem to be taking their time with it; something of a rarity in this cutthroat world of modern games development.
CD Projekt Red haven’t been bothering with marketing the game since its teaser trailer first came out, because it did all it needed to do – it’s one of the best game trailers ever made. Hype has been bubbling up for the game over the past three years and CDPR have barely had to do a thing to push it. Little to nothing has been revealed about the game, but gamers are still content to wait patiently for it until it’s ready.
That’s what happens when people believe in a developer and what they can do.
However, that’s not good enough for me. Not one bit. I demand to have some answers and will not rest until I see all of these things within Cyberpunk 2077, even if it takes 2077 years.
1. An all-female cast.
2. Guns.
3. Bullets.
4. Maybe those ninja star things.
5. Ninjas.
6. Ninja popstars.
8. All 30000 of Hillary’s emails tucked away in a random terminal.
9. The woman from the teaser trailer’s outfit as DLC (regardless of your gender).
10. The option to play the game at the same speed as the teaser.
11. The spirit of Roach to occasionally glitch into the game and kill everything.
12. Armbar.
13. Full mod support.
14. An open-world.
15. The characters should ideally have faces.
16. And legs.
17. And arms.
18. Probably a body, too.
19. Genitals aren’t necessary.
20. Cyber-unicorn sex, mind you.
21. Cyber-unicorn companions.
22. Cyber-unicorn weapons that shoot out rainbows and EDM.
23. Cyber-unicorns in general.
24. Bullets, the song.
25. The band Archive to have a cameo in a bar.
26. The band Archive to be revealed as ninjas.
27. The band Archive to be revealed as ninjas in a lifelong war against cyber-unicorns.
28. Ninjas and cyber-unicorns to declare peace and live together in harmony.
29. But they were inside the Matrix the entire time.
30. This on the soundtrack.
31. Geralt as the antagonist. It’s revealed that he’s been kept cryogenically frozen this whole time, a la Mr. House.
32. I’m still really mad I got the worst ending in The Witcher 3, CDPR.
33. Like
34. 100 hours
35. And he sits alone in a cabin.
36. Different hairstyles. Preferably ones like in The Fifth Element.
37. A paper unicorn that sits on your shoulder throughout, like an existence-questioning parrot.
38. A paper cyber-unicorn that sits on your shoulder throughout the game, like an existence-questioning parrot.
39. The Sex Pistols to turn up and try to sell you butter.
40. The pause button pauses the game.
41. Combat.
42. Conversation.
43. More than one gun.
44. You can carry like, I don’t know, twenty bullets.
45. The final boss is the personification of hype culture.
46. Enemies can kill you.
47. You can kill enemies.
48. But also play it completely pacifist.
49. The Psycho Squad to visibly tut at a re-run of Suicide Squad on TV.
50. Armbar.
51. This woman to absolutely destroy everyone from the AC games.
52. She has to say this to them: “You call that an extendable wristblade thing? This is an extendable wristblade thing.”
53. Then they’re like, “what?”
54. And she’s like, “I will stab you.”
55. Then she stabs them with her extendable wristblade thing.
56. There’s blood everywhere.
57. Her dress is even more ruined.
58. The cleaners bill is absurd.
59. So she kills them with her extendable wristblade thing.
60. She knows only death.
61. The first cutscene involves your character turning to face the camera before saying, “Kept you waiting, huh?”
62. You get a trophy for this for some reason.
63. A sense of temporary validation washes over you.
64. Teraflops.
65. Triceratops.
66. A story.
67. It should be set in the future.
68. But also include flashbacks to the Stone Age because philosophy.
69. Rich, deep storytelling.
70. Things that go boom.
71. Set in the year 2078, just to confuse people.
72. Reference The Order:1886 because of the numbers.
73. You can join different factions.
74. You should be able to visit procedurally-generated bars and research the strange organisms you find there.
75. Glitches.
76. No glitches.
77. An acceptable amount of glitches.
78. A 10GB day one patch, because that shows CD Projekt Red are dedicated.
79. No day one patch, because that shows CD Projekt Red are dedicated.
80. It should cost anywhere between $60 and $6000.
81. 6000 hours of gameplay time.
82. But it can’t be too long. That’s boring.
83. No loading screens whatsoever. As soon as I put the disc in, I should be killing people with my extendable wristblade thing.
84. It should be exactly like The Witcher, but in the future.
85. It should be nothing like The Witcher.
86. This woman should be in the game and should be played by Sable.
87. An all-male cast.
88. The gunfire should be all like pew pew.
89. PewDiePie to make a cameo.
90. He’s a bad guy.
91. Just like in real life.
92. Bounty hunting.
93. Gwent.
94. Shrek.
95. First-person view.
96. Third-person view.
97. Second-person view.
98. A fourth-wall mode where everything that happens is relayed back to the player sarcastically.
99. Deadpool was great, wasn’t it.
100. Dragonforce on the soundtrack.
101. Options.
102. Gamma.
103. Brightness.
104. This list to be referenced within the game.
105. I mean, you owe me one. That ending sucked for me.
106. Armbar.
107. This guy, but as a wisecracking owl sidekick.
108. Co-op between you and the owl. Your mate is player 2 so they have to be the owl.
109. Several sidequests about how he became an owl.
110. In-game owl language courses.
111. The owl replenishes health by eating mice.
112. RPG elements.
113. Which ones? I don’t know.
114. Levelling up, I guess.
115. This dude’s hat as DLC
116. I should really save what I’ve done so far so I don’t lose it. I spilt coke on my laptop and now it barely works.
117. Done.
118. Oh god, I am still only halfway.
119. Cyber-unicorns? Oh, done that already.
120. Katanas that you hide in umbrellas, like an anime.
121. An NPC should follow you around and repeat every line of Roy Batty’s dialogue if you pirate the game.
122. Everyone’s a pirate if you pirate the game.
123. Your PC should combust if you pirate a game that people have suffered over for many years. I mean, really.
124. Extendable earblades, so you can easily trim your eyebrows.
125. DLC razors for this guy’s stubble. Come on, man. Tighten up, you’re at work.
126. Every vendor should be like Watto in The Phantom Menace.
127. Your actions have consequences. Even if you’re just walking down the street and bumping into people, they should come back later to try to kill you.
128. Future swearing, like in Battlestar Galactica.
129. Edwards James Olmos as your father figure.
130. He dies in a tragic teraflop incident.
131. 60fps at all times without a slight drop for even a second or I am getting a refund.
132. A nineteen hour sidequest involving tracking down Dandelion.
133. The name of this woman’s dermatologist. I mean, damn, those pores are flawless.
134. You should be able to name every single one of your bullets.
135. And strands of hair.
136. And fingers.
137. But not your own character. What’s the point of that?
138. Skateboards.
139. Hoverboards.
140. Actual hoverboards, not those stupid things people were obsessed with last year.
141. Surfboards.
142. Swimming.
143. Synchronised swimming mini-games.
144. The ability to turn into a coffee mug.
145. No wait, that’s stupid.
146. Night City should be explorable.
147. As well as Day City.
148. And this is the anthem for both.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR4zefzP7d0
149. Maybe Batman?
150. Yeah, Batman. Batman would make Cyberpunk 2077 better.
151. An infomercial should play before the game starts warning about the dangers of cybersex.
152. Bowling mini-games.
153. Crossbows, because they are in loads of games these days.
154. A credits screen.
155. Playable with a keyboard.
156. Playable with a controller.
157. Playable.
158. Multiple endings.
159. No endings should feature a cabin.
160. Good/evil mechanics like it’s 2008.
161. A mini-map.
162. Emotes. All the emotes.
163. Multiplayer bounty hunting.
164. No multiplayer.
165. Dog the Bounty Hunter as a robotic dog.
166. On-disc DLC. Love those.
167. Volume control.
168. Customisable hovercars.
169. Stickers.
170. Randomised loot boxes with lots of stickers.
171. When you first get into a hovercar, Billie Jean plays.
172. A holographic Michael Jackson haunts your dreams. This leads to a ten-hour sidequest to find out why.
173. This is Rooney Mara, isn’t it?
174. You occasionally get phone calls from your nemesis who asks you to go bowling. Every time this happens, you lose half your health.
175. Every time you die, a part of your character’s body falls off.
176. Also, whenever you die, a pretentious quote pops up on screen.
177. Inventories.
178. Soylent Green is people.
179. Flanders sucks.
180. I’m getting pretty tired now. Need a quick coffee.
181. YOUR CHARACTER HAS A CRIPPLING COFFEE ADDICTION AND CAN’T FUNCTION WITHOUT IT.
182. You only get one life. When you die, you die. You have to buy DLC to continue.
183. Squad-based gameplay. Each character has their own distinct personality, but they’re all based loosely on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
184. I haven’t said armbar in a while.
185. Armbar.
186. If you pre-order the game, you get free dry cleaning for a month.
187. Mountain Dew.
188. Doritos.
189. Mountain Doritos.
190. Memes.
191. Every time the game dips below 60fps, CD Projekt Red immediately refunds you $1 per frame.
192. Comes with a free 4K TV.
193. Literally the same soundtrack as The Witcher 3, because that was perfect.
194. After 2077 hours spent playing the game, you get a bronze trophy on PS4. Will totally be worth it.
195. Playable on PlayStation 4.
196. PlayStation 3.
197. But not PS2. That’s ridiculous.
198. PS One.
199. Every time a PC gamer criticises a console gamer for buying it instead of getting a rig, a small amount of toxic gas is leaked into the room.
200. 200 x 10 + 77 = 2077. Coincidence? The game will cost $200.
201. Cutscenes where things happen.
202. Collectibles.
203. The twist is that you were Roach all along.
204. No wait, your dad is Roach.
205. And you have to avenge his death.
206. You’re actually a horse.
207. Tempered expectations.
Following writing my list of demands, I reached out to CD Projekt Red to see if they could confirm or deny any of these. Here’s what they had to say:
“…we’re going to plead the first on that. Not the amendment — the first rule of Cyberpunk 2077, which is we don’t talk about Cyberpunk 2077. Yet.”
Prudes.
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