Did you know Jeremy Corbyn wants to turn your children into an army of left-wing super soldiers which he’ll use to take over the moon? Or that he wants to abolish the monarchy by turning the Queen into a cyborg assassin?
Neither of those things are true, but this week the new leader of the Labour party has been portrayed by newspapers as some kind of bearded Skeletor. I’m here to tell you about some politicians even more evil than Jeremy Corbyn. These are the ones you should really be worried about.
1. Frank Underwood (House of Cards)
He’s ruthless, he barely sleeps and he absolutely will not stop until he is president. Frank Underwood is the most reprehensible fictional politician ever conceived. Manipulating, backstabbing, strategically leaking news to the media, even killing folk who have outgrown their usefulness. Oh, and he’s managed to take eating ribs to a new level of creepiness.
The worst thing of all though, is that he’ll tell you exactly what he thinks and why he’s making every despicable decision. You can’t stop him on his quest to turn the White House and Capitol Hill into his personal playground of Darwinian natural selection.
How does no one realise this guy’s a total amoral monster? There’s literally no one he cares about but himself. He only likes his wife because she’s ready to help him in his devious schemes. He is a Bond villain who managed to beat the good guys.
2. Mayor Quimby (The Simpsons)
The scandal-ridden Mayor of Springfield cares so little about the city he’s supposed to govern he seems to spend more time away on holiday than he does in the Mayor’s office.
On his watch the city has spent millions on a disastrous monorail network and taxpayers money has been used on his personal swimming pool and, apparently, the murder of his enemies. He also has at least one secret lovechild, the result of copious extra-marital affairs. Worse still, he’s shown on several occasions to be in bed with the mob.
Quimby is a slick operator however. By shoehorning his catchphrase ‘Vote Quimby’ into nearly all public appearances, he’s somehow managed to convince the people of Springfield to keep voting for him since the 1980s.
3. Gaius Baltar (Battlestar Galactica)
A lot has been said about Jeremy Corbyn, but has he ever been responsible for the deaths of billions of people by an army of fanatical robots? Gaius Baltar has. All because he was trying to impress a woman who turned out to be a murderous Cylon (spoilers ahead).
This grave mistake would humble most people, but not Baltar. The scientist would go on to become the Vice President and later President of the Twelve Colonies. As President, Baltar acted as a puppet for the Cylons. His regime was ruthless, with regular arrests and disappearances.
In truth though, Baltar was an abject coward. His only real quality was his vast scientific intellect, which was manipulated countless times by the Cylons. As a politician he never really stood for anything, but would go to great lengths to avoid being incriminated for his actions.
4. Chancellor Palpatine (Star Wars)
You wouldn’t catch Palpatine staying quiet during the national anthem. He’d make sure the cameras saw him sing it. If a cameraman didn’t film him singing he’d meet them down a dark alley and choke them to death with his mind. Because he can do that.
Like all politicians with an evil plan, he has the appearance of a kind, charismatic man. Unfortunately he’d rather use that charisma to take over the galaxy than make people’s lives better. His policies include slavery, the abolition of the democratically elected Senate and the hunting down of jedi ‘terrorists’.
He did create much needed jobs with the building of the Death Star, a major infrastructure project. Ultimately this became a problem though, when the resulting battle station allowed Palpatine to vaporise planets indiscriminately. Some people might also have problems with his religious practices, which compel him to wear black robes and shoot lightning from his hands.
In a country where the main religion is still Christianity, this might put some voters off.
5. Tywin Lannister (Game of Thrones)
Think about it. Tywin Lannister was the mastermind behind the Red Wedding. He didn’t even need to be there to make it happen. With his talent for intrigue, he managed to cut a deal with Walder Frey to, ahem, actually let’s not talk about that.
The only thing Tywin cares about is the success of the Lannister clan, to the point where he expects his children to abandon their own goals and toe the family line. He can play the opportunist, as he did in Robert Baratheon’s war for the throne, or the butcher, as in the Battle of the Blackwater. Remember that the Lannisters did not join Robert’s war until the last moment, when they marched into King’s Landing under a flag of peace and proceeded to betray the King and murder his family.
As the King’s Hand he proved an astute political operator, almost succeeding in making Westeros a Lannister kingdom.
Could Jeremy Corbyn organise a red wedding? Or destroy the army of a usurper besieging his capital city? No is the answer you’re looking for. Jeremy Corbyn would not win the game of thrones. He wears cardigans.
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