Welcome back to the second instalment of Ash’s Pile of Shame series, where he has a rummage around in his massive heap of unplayed or forgotten games and talks about why they’ve ended up there. Then, he goes away to play said game and reports his findings a week later.
We kicked off the list in a big way with The Witcher 3, and Ash came to the swift realisation that perhaps he should have played the game a bit sooner. Now, he’s gearing up to take a trip down to Louisiana in Resident Evil 7, and he seems nervous for some reason. Can’t imagine why.
You might be surprised to know that I bought RE7 on launch day. Yeah, you read that right. Launch day. The copy I bought came with that limited edition lenticular front, so you know it’s special, or at least it was anyway. Lenticular covers don’t tend to look so good when they’re covered in dust, because I still haven’t played it. Feel free to start ridiculing me in the comments, if you haven’t already.
The fact I haven’t played RE7 actually ties into my history with Cultured Vultures. The first article I ever wrote for this illustrious site was about how I revisited Burnout Paradise, with the crux of the article being that I was scared that Burnout Paradise would have aged horribly when it fact it was still as fun as it ever was.
If you’re wondering how that ties into RE7, I concluded the article with the following sentence: “The fact is that after facing my fears and playing Burnout Paradise, I can now sleep easy. The king of arcade racers still reigns supreme after over a decade. Perhaps I should face up to those fears more often, he said to the unopened copy of Resident Evil 7.” It’s a copy that’s remained unopened for over a year and a half for one reason.
Cowardice.
That’s the reason why I haven’t played RE7 yet. I’m a big cowardly baby man, all too willing to curl up into a whimpering ball of pathetic as soon as the jump scares start coming out. I’m the type of person who researches ahead of time whether or not games have spiders in them before playing them, or has to watch jump scares ahead of time to prepare myself for them in game.
It’s not that I’m necessarily adverse to horror, per se. I love the Dead Space trilogy for example, though I didn’t necessarily find that to be a scary game. There were a few tense moments, with the eye operation immediately springing to mind, but to me, I always felt disconnected to the horror that occurred on screen because of the third person camera angle.
As soon as the camera switches to first person, the whingeing begins. Oh sure, I’m perfectly okay playing the “hardman” by saying that Dead Space wasn’t that scary, but as soon as someone turns Outlast on, this cowardly boy can’t leave the room fast enough. If you think it couldn’t get worse, I’m the guy that refused to explore the Krypt in Mortal Kombat X because it combined jump scares and spiders in a two-pronged attack targeting everything I hate.
At this point, you’re probably screaming at your computer or phone while reading this. “How can this guy write about games yet be the biggest scaredy-cat in existence? Go back to playing SMITE, you fuck.” It’s a fair criticism, and one I can’t really defend against, except for the part where you call me a fuck. That’s just rude.
In my last article, talking about my experience with The Witcher 3, I joked that this article series is totally self-serving, and that couldn’t be more true with Resident Evil 7. If anything, this is the recognition that certain games exist outside of my comfort zone, and that really needs to change, which I why I wanted to tackle Resident Evil 7 next.
Besides, I can’t be a big old coward all my life, right?!
So, with the same trepidation in my heart that I felt when revisiting Paradise City, I’m off to go see what Louisiana is like this time of year. I hear the weather’s nice, even if the locals aren’t quite so friendly. I just hope I don’t get my arm cut off or anything like that. That would be unpleasant. If you don’t see a follow-up article next week, just assume I’ve shat myself to death.
READ NEXT:
– What Developers Can Learn From Resident Evil 7: Biohazard
– 10 Best Horror Games Of The Current Console Generation
– The Best Zombie Games
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