My Take on Parental Alienation from Personal Experience

I define parental alienation as a purposeful attempt by one parent to try to dissociate the child from their other parent.

Parental alienation comes in many forms. It can be as definitive as zero contact with a loved one or as complex as sporadic visitation and limited phone contact. In extreme cases, it can be years before the noncustodial parent has contact of any kind with their child.

Parental alienation comes with pain so intense it brings tears to even the strongest of parents. There is never closure. You lose what you love and relive the pain of separation over and over. The pain never goes away and hurts more as time goes on. I have yet to learn how to cope with this pain. Alienation is and always will be a cruel and unusual form of child abuse. It keeps a loving parent from being a complete part of their child’s life. Through all the madness, the child is left feeling confused, neglected and hurt. They often blame themselves. We must all agree that if the alienated parent wants to be a part of their child’s life, estranged spouses and court systems must allow unfettered contact. It’s in the child’s best interest.

When two adults decide that there is nothing left to give each other, extreme sensitivity must be given to afford the child equal and uncompromised access to the non-custodial parent. Studies have shown that court systems rarely award shared custody. But the fact remains that, at least here in the States, one judge makes the final decision. We all know that there are two sides to every story. It is a dire shame that the complete truth is rarely revealed.
My case is basic, yet albeit a sad one. My ex is unwilling to allow even the simplest things, like individual phone contact. For three and a half years I have been communicating between visits while my ex monitors and interrupts our speaker phone conversations. It is blatantly obvious that she coaches answers to questions and mutes the line often. She is also the owner of the world’s shortest battery life iPhone in history. Our judgment of divorce awards me reasonable phone contact, yet I average less than 15 minutes a week with my children. I call every single day, multiple times, yet rarely do I get through. It’s a stress that has seeped its way into my everyday life affecting not only personal relationships but my own wellbeing. Not being there hurts enough, but no contact between visits is becoming debilitating. This suffering is the true test of my endurance.

Alienation is not something we can easily hide and it slowly takes its toll. This pain and weight we carry comes at a huge cost. How we choose to deal with it can be life altering. This is not a main stream subject and many are unwilling to openly discuss this topic. It is taboo. It can be humiliating, frustrating and difficult to understand. If we continue to ignore these harsh realities the next generation will grow up to accept and possibly display this behavior. The impact on my children is disheartening to witness. I worry how their opinion of me, and of their mother, is altered by this constant tension. How will they act as adults toward their partner, toward their own child? If my phone conversation with them turns to anything resembling my happiness, a life lesson or anything that is important and/or relevant to just us, I am cut off and forced to wait another three to four days just to hear their voices again. This direct retaliation goes unchecked and it’s horrifying how it continues.
Life has become a delicate balancing act. It is difficult to be completely honest with my children when they ask questions of why and how. I refuse to discuss the ugliness that has become my twelve days of sorrow between visits. I remain as upbeat as I can when we speak. Simply stated, children deserve the love and respect of both parents. The child’s wellbeing is of the upmost importance. Make shared parenting a priority. In the end, the alienated parent and child suffer the wrath of the alienator. The insanity of it all is that alienation is child abuse and we need to raise awareness.

Early on, I began documenting my side of the story in my blog: www.dadsrightscoalition.wordpress.com I write because it’s the one thing that helps me constructively express my sadness. I continue doing what I can to save my sanity, one blog at a time. My devotion and love for my boys has compelled me to become an advocate and champion for parental rights. I do this in honor of them.