“There is fight and there is flight, and I’ve done them both plenty. But there’s a third choice for those of us who have experienced enough terror: focus.”
The opening scenes of Vanessa Lillie’s novel charts the moment of childbirth. The descriptions are also terrifying enough that I swear I gagged a little from imagining it all. I don’t know how I will ever contemplate having a child now that I have read such visceral, invasive details about giving birth, but then again there are women in the world who go on to have more than one child, so it is a trauma one eventually overcomes – I assume this and don’t know with any certainty.
The horror is also far from over. A new mother needs to get used to the changes in her routine, the changes in her body – it is all dizzyingly overwhelming and dislocating. The great thing about Lillie’s protagonist Devon is her relatability, with the interior of her mind communicating to us every insecurity and fear, such that it makes us feel less alone for feeling the same way. I may not be a mother, but I can certainly relate to Devon’s assessment of self through the eyes of her husband, constantly wondering what he sees and whether he regrets being saddled with her.
The thing is, men spend a mere dalliance in the domestic bubble before they return to their work spheres, while women become rooted in it, wondering if there is anything beyond it, trying not to feel resentful because this is your child whom you love. Yet there is no agency and control over your own life as you give over everything to be a mother, a role that is far from being as innate and natural as everyone seems to think.
“The truth is my new mother’s skin won’t work for this happy hour; it’s too raw, too exposed, and too vulnerable.”
After this very well explored exposition, the book changes tracks somewhat, turning into more of a crime procedural. Devon feels obligated to solve the murder of her friend Belina and also clear the name of her college friend Alec, who is a suspect in the case. I do enjoy a good detective/whodunnit thriller, but the two parts don’t really feel very compatible. Devon’s status as a new mother becomes a subplot in the bigger picture of murder and corruption. I’m not saying that motherhood needs to subsume every part of one’s life, and I’m happy that Devon has something to propel her forward instead of drowning with the little voices. However, it is a little confusing to see this aspect be pushed aside when it was such a big preoccupation during the earlier parts of the novel.
Devon is posturing of course, pretending to have things together while she pursues this investigation, but the thing is: she is actually good at all this. She knows how to talk to people to get information, she makes the right moves, and yes the little voices are there to undermine her at every turn. However, after a certain point, I don’t really believe them. And I don’t think Devon does as well.
It made me think of the movie A Beautiful Mind, where we see Russell Crowe’s character John Nash get used to the projections of his mind. Devon has dealt with them for the greater part of her life, so it makes sense that after a while they don’t affect her as much as they once did. What I don’t buy into is how she doesn’t at one point cave and give in to the voices, and I didn’t get it, till the moment I reached the conclusion.
Here’s the thing: these are struggles you as the reader are going to go through until the end, where it all comes together and your earlier gripes about incompatibility now make sense because of what Lillie was layering and constructing. It is a well-built twist, and little issues that bothered me while reading suddenly shone with clarity, and I sit back, taking it all in, wondering why I didn’t see it earlier.
So you see, Lillie gives us a strong introduction and a compelling ending, but it is the middle part that flounders a little as we try to tread water with the exposition she provided, without realising where it is taking us because it is not something we expect. Writing and fiction definitely involves a certain measure of risk taking, and I certainly admire Lillie’s fearless charge forward, especially with a debut novel; I just wish the parts connected better.
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