Ever since Everton were take over by billionaire Farhad Moshiri, optimism has been at an all-time high for the Merseyside club. After decades of humdrum, near-misses, and Antolin Alcaraz, it looks like Everton could finally wake up from their sleeping giant status and compete for titles once again.
This rampant positivity has led to some people understandably becoming a little bit unrealistic when it comes to the big names we should sign. Kristian Walsh of the Liverpool Echo is aiming high and came up with a list of transfer targets including James Rodriguez, Lucas Moura, and William Carvalho.
Wishful thinking at its finest. Here’s who Everton should really sign for the upcoming season.
2008 Mikel Arteta
Evertonians are always looking to the past, so how about we travel to the past itself and snap up Mikel Arteta in his prime? It isn’t unfeasible, we just need to become mates with the people that made the Large Hadron Collider and bribe them with season tickets; the Swiss love their free stuff.
Juan Roman Riquelme
What better way to make up for the failures of the past than to sign a player who we memorably tried our best to sign? We don’t need to worry about paying a club installments of £50 over a period of 500 years either – he’s retired. Bonus.
Lee Cattermole
One of the big complaints about Martinez’s Everton last season was that they were a bunch of vaginas. Koeman could easily fix this by signing a player that will kill and eat the opposition before taking their relatives hostage. His wages are negligible, too: he only asks for virgin blood. SEE ALSO: Ben Thatcher.
Tony Hibbert
A lightning-fast youngster with an eye for goal, Hibbert would really beef up Everton’s defence and bolster their counter-attacking play. His marauding runs down the right side have England fans excited for their Next Big Thing. Currently available on a free transfer.
Peter Odemwingie
Everton don’t want to feel like they’re missing out any longer, which is why they should sign someone who has been at literally every other club. Will provide comic relief when he turns up at Tranmere’s stadium on transfer deadline day by mistake.
Aaron Ramsey
No bullshit here. Not too unrealistic, brings class, and scores and provides goals. Sign him up.
Wayne Rooney
See above.
Any suggestions? Drop a comment.Â
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