How To: Valentine’s Day

Peatree Bojangles delivers the perfect way to enjoy your Valentine’s Day.

You’re in a relationship

This is what it’s like to be an adult, you know. Having responsibilities and thinking outside of how many Doritos you can stick in your mouth withoutgagging and potentially dying. It’s a brave new world when you have to consider someone else’s Dorito-eating skills. Whether it be your first Valentine’s or 20th, you are expected to do something for that person that lets you sleep with them so often. The problem is that you’re in a progressive relationship – you share friends, you discuss your bowel movements and you can actually look at another person without having to break up. So, what do these people do on Valentine’s Day? They are the worst. They are people like me. We ‘don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, we’re just going to stay in and eat fried chicken and watch films’. That’s just how you get away with not doing something  expensive on Valentine’s Day, you smug bastard.

 

What you should do is go to work. Don’t take the day off. Go to work. Today’s just any other day. Wanna show your other half you mean a lot to them, show it to them every day.

You’re a rich romantic

This is like fucking Christmas to you, isn’t it? You’re ready to show off how much money you have to your loved one and everyone on social media. You book a room in an expensive hotel because you’re really fucking sweet, making sure there are rose petals and champagne bottles every where you look. You get surgery to replace you face with a rose petal, as you walk in wearing a champagne bottle onsie. The lube and condoms sellotaped to your wilting face, you approach them with passion and rip off their designer clothes. After whispering sweet nothings of Chanel shopping trips, you remember to Instagram the hotel room, because everyone definitely wants to see this.

 

Do something simple and sweet. Then throw money all over it, because you’re right at doing it, I’m just jealous of you.

You’re balancing a few relationships

You, my dear, are a terrible person. Or, you’re in a terrible situation. Either way, I hate you. If you’re balancing a few relationships, unbeknownst to your partners, then you deserve the hell Valentine’s Day brings you. If you’re in a ‘fuck buddy’ situation with a group of free spirits then good luck figuring out what exactly you do on this most revealing of days.

 

Now you have to figure out who should get what, or even if anything at all. The problem here is whether you decide today to face the fact that you’re a terrible person and stop OR you have a comedy night of many dates, some culminating in a Mrs Doubtfire style toilet-changing scene. Just for my sake.

You are single

Today is the day, every one in a relationship collectively point and laugh at you. You aren’t locked down in a commitment where every decision you make will eventually fall on ‘what will … like/think/do’? Making you, quite surprisingly, the loser. The person who is free and able to do whatever they feel like, whenever, however and as many times as they wish is, apparently, a loser.

 

Well, go bask in your loserness by waking up diagonally on your large bed, eating breakfast without having to make it for someone else, not showering because who fucking cares no one will smell you, go to that museum to see the artwork you specifically like, meet your friends without having to arrange a meeting with your partners friends as leverage, flirt with everything you see (EVERYTHING YOU SEE), get drunk, kiss someone, dance, come home, wake up, restart. Remember to masturbate every moment you get a chance.