Why Jeb Bush Might Be Our ‘Florida Man’

In case you don’t know, America has a favorite superhero: Florida Man. He started as a joke when a trend in bad news headlines came out of Florida, as Florida Man “swears it’s not a racist thing,” America ate up how awfully bad it was to laugh at him. He represents all of our urges that we fear tumbling into if we give in, like wallowing so far down we go to the store in a bathrobe that doesn’t quite close. We are about to elect a real life Florida Man into office, Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida, brother of the president we all thought we could “drink a beer with.”

Florida Man Pauses Police Chase to Rehydrate With Stolen Capri Sun, Says Smoking Crack Makes Him Thirsty http://t.co/obHq58H6UN

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) July 24, 2015

  Why Jeb Bush Will Win

The only step that matters when winning a political campaign in America is getting money. Since we have been able to measure, the only constant measure to determine outcome for American presidential campaigns is who has the most money. If this 50-year trend continues, Jeb will be America’s next president. Hillary crushed it early and hard by earning 47.55 million dollars on the campaign trail, three times more than the next closest candidate, Bernie Sanders. This is easily matched by Jeb Bush’s Super PAC, Right to Rise USA contributed a whopping 114.6 million indirectly to his campaign.  

Florida Man Walks into Bar; Downs $80 Worth of Shots, Sets Fire to Trash Can, Punches Everyone in the Face | http://t.co/TxrQ7w4hc5 — Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) March 22, 2014

114.6 million. That’s a lot of shots to buy. Or it is enough to put a 35-cent flyer into the hands of every American across the nation. That is enough money to buy a fleet of 50 50-foot yachts, 11,000 hover boards, or send a 6-pack and flowers to all 1.3 million people living in New Hampshire. It puts his above the other candidates by astronomical amounts and means that if he doesn’t win he will change a 50-year trend in politics, and if he does, we can expect crazy ‘Florida-Man’ spending, lighting America’s trashcan on fire, and a swift punch to the face.

The media refuse to make eyes for Hillary, and for good reason. As a Secretary of State she had quite a bit of negative press that can be flung back at her: from keeping a secret email, to the Benghazi Scandal, people lost so much faith in the government Bitcoin currency (not even money) became a thing. After a reign of perceived secrecy, Bernie’s bill to make voting day a holiday, put him over Hillary in early polling for the first primaries (New Hampshire), and could be a sign that he has more voter trust. Even so their combined total in fundraising and in Super PACs have only raised 60 million dollars.

 

Why Isn’t Trump Florida Man

Florida Man Can’t Believe He’s the Least Crazy Person on Stage pic.twitter.com/Hj8UD9ndtM

— Florida Man (@_FloridaMan) August 7, 2015

Trump’s hair alone is too pouf to be Florida Man. No one cares or wants to drink with a slimy rich guy named Don. We don’t want to drink his beer, and we can’t slide onto his couch. Jeb “Immigrants are more fertile” Bush and Donald “We need global warming” Trump are the forerunners for the Republican vote, and have had very similar speech structures, and gosh darnit, we trust bush in America.

This means that the media attention Trump has will transfer to Bush after Trump loses the Republican nomination. Donald “Someone is doing the raping” Trump will lose the Republican nomination because he lacks external fundraising, and because he calls people out on things that sound like an inside joke only for him.

Running against a Hillary/ Bernie combo for 2016, Jeb will have the benefit of gaining the most money for his campaign, keeping with the past 100 years of American history, he should win. Are you ready for Florida Man Jeb Bush to decide what is going to happen in America?