Agony Auntie Peatree Bojangles on Internet Fame

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I was heckled by some children in a park. In the heat of embarrassment, I fought their ringleader and lost. I’m pretty sure a bystander filmed it on their cameraphone. My shame is about to go supernova as Internet fame is surely hours away – what should I do?

Darling, there are only two ways to get internet famous: a viral video of you dropping your inhibitions and acting like an absolute wankfest, or a sex tape. I, personally, would go for sextape. For those who are interested, you may be able to find mine by typing ‘NO TULISA THATS NOT HOW YOU DO IT‘ into Google.

Unfortunately you have gone for the weaker option. This is fine, we can turn this around for you. Now, you have nearly killed a child and would ideally have covered it up with money and threats, but someone has evidence. You find yourself asking what you should do. I give you this question instead: What would Liam Neeson do? Find the inventors of the internet and destroy them (obviously kick and punch everything you see on your way there) is what you fucking do. Come on, I cant tell you everything.

The other thing to do is to just accept it. Many people will be jealous of your fame, so beware the phoney friends you will suddenly acquire. They may try and ruin you. They may try and fight you, while someone films it, making them internet famous, taking your title away from you. You must hold on to this moment of false idolisation, as it will be quick, fast, and merciless. You will be nothing again after this; just a normal boring drone, that no-one acknowledges or cares for.

Just Pea Bo here, reminding you of your own mortality. I forgot what I was doing. I need to get more wine before I sober up, so fuck off now.

x

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