9 Weird Reasons Why Writing is Like a Bowel Movement

I see you’re sitting down, working hard trying to get something out. Are you writing the next great American novel or taking the dump of a lifetime? No matter which pursuit you are following, both the process and product are pretty much the same. Here’s a deeper exploration of the similarities between writing and taking a shit:


1. Sometimes You Can’t Get Anything Out

If you are writing, this is called writer’s block. If you’re trying to shit, it’s constipation. Whatever the case, you work your ass off, desperately trying to excrete something. There’s lots of aborted attempts and enough frustration to make you want to quit. When you finally get something out, it feels great until you realize it’s just shit.


2. Sometimes It Won’t Stop Coming Out

Are you experiencing diarrhea? Whether you are on the toilet or at the computer, it’s all the same. You get in the groove and can’t get off your seat. Every time you think about taking a break, you have more to unload. When you eventually take the time to look over it, you see nothing but a pile of unusable smelly shit.


3. Sometimes You Can’t Get Rid of It

Everyone has taken a shit that clogs the toilet. Writing is sometimes the same way. You write something huge, something that made you feel so good. But when you try to pawn it off on some publisher, everyone says hell no. It’s something even the sewage system won’t accept.


4. Sometimes It’s a Painful Process

We’ve all had painful writing experiences. And painful pooping experiences. Whether it’s a story that calls us to remember a friend’s death, or the miserable experience of an editor saying our work sucks, writing can hurt as much as that 12-inch long rock-hard turd that somehow comes out sideways. Yeah, writing is like that sometimes.


5. Sometimes You Can’t Clean It Up

How many times have you written something you thought was good but always needed more editing? No matter what you change, there’s always something else to fix. It’s just like that shit that won’t wipe clean. You use half a roll of TP before saying it’s good enough. When you shower later, you see brown residue running down your leg. And the shit stain is on the toilet even after you use that damn brush. Your rough draft is like that, only the stain is even harder to remove.


6. It’s Never Comfortable to Hold It In

Sometimes you get an idea so good you have to sit down and write it immediately. Of course, this only happens when you are stuck in traffic, sitting in church, or having sex. You have to hold it until there is a more appropriate venue for disposal. Holding it in makes traffic, church, and sex much less enjoyable. Of course, only one of those three things is ever enjoyable.


7. You Sometimes Get Log-Jammed

Ever had a brilliant idea that you decided wasn’t worth getting out of bed to write down? Sure, you’ll remember it in the morning. When you finally roll your lazy ass out of bed and sit down to get it out, nothing comes, like your mind has just soaked up the idea. You unleash a cacophony of farts, but there’s nothing remotely satisfying or productive.


8. It’s Hard to Do When Other People Are Around

You know that asshole at the coffee shop who’s always looking over your shoulder to see what you’re writing? Yeah, you can’t write a great work of literature with some nosey douchebag around. He’s the same guy who hovers around the bathroom stall, making sure you can’t get your shit out no matter how much you need to go.


9. It Almost Always Stinks

Most of what you write stinks like the most foul-smelling shit. You don’t recognize it because you are so used to reading it. Hell, you probably think it’s great. But everyone else who comes in contact with your output needs a gas mask just to breathe. Don’t lie to yourself. Shit stinks.

So, are you going to shit or get off the pot? Get your ass back to writing that great novel and quit fucking around on the internet.

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