If, like me, you’re bitter and jaded when it comes to the thought of going out with another person, Valentine’s Day can feel a bit shit. The constant barrage of adverts, decorations and insufferable twats you might alternatively refer to as “couples” can make this time of year a hard one to enjoy. Or ignore. Attempting to get the weekly shopping done becomes a taxing experience of trying to suppress bile as you wade through all manners of gaudy nonsense.
But there are still several ways to enjoy the day if you find yourself “sans Valentine”. So if you’re looking for things to do, or just need a reminder that being single on Valentine’s Day isn’t the be all and end all of life itself, here’s 5 things that could help you enjoy yourself today. And no, none of them involve Pornhub.
Rejoice As You Don’t Have To Watch The New Fifty Shades
Spare a thought for those out there being dragged, kicking and screaming, to watch the final installment of that god awful smut fest Fifty Shades Freed. Having been slammed by critics for being more than a little bit rubbish, (including a particularly scathing review from our own Andrea Thompson), just be thankful that you’re not another one of those poor souls having to suffer through that garbage. Just that alone should be enough to lift the spirits somewhat.
Watch Michael Bolton’s Big, Sexy Valentine’s Day Special
Few things in life are as wholesome and brilliant as the combination of Michael Bolton and The Lonely Island, and that also applies to the Netflix special Michael Bolton’s Big, Sexy Valentine’s Day Special. Taking the form of a fake organised telethon designed to persuade couples to shag and save Christmas (yes, it’s that level of bonkers), the special features celebrity guests turning up, singing fantastic songs, telling some great jokes and disappearing. It’s hard not to watch it without grinning throughout.
Enjoy The St Valentine’s Day Massacre PPV On The WWE Network
About as far as you could get away from a traditional Valentine’s Day experience, the St Valentine’s Day Massacre was a WWE (or WWF at the time) PPV event from 1999 with a name that alludes to the infamous shooting that took place decades prior. Sounds very cheery, I know. Though the majority of the PPV consists of mid-card level feuds at best, the event is capped off by two hellacious matches: Mankind vs The Rock in a Last Man Standing match for the WWF Championship, and Stone Cold Steve Austin vs Vince McMahon in a Steel Cage match. There’s something compelling about watching a 50 year old millionaire get the piss beaten out of him by an angry Texan.
Get Your Mind Fucked By Doki Doki Literature Club
Steam is somewhat of a hotbed for dating simulators, with gamers able to get their virtual dating kicks from a variety of games. Whether you want to date Japanese schoolgirls, hot dads or John Cena, your needs will be covered. Doki Doki Literature Club, at first glance, appears to be just another Japanese schoolgirl dating sim, until things take an unpleasant turn. Instead, you end up with a disturbing psychological horror game way more terrifying than actually going on a date with someone. Probably.
Vanquish Your Nemesis On Monster Hunter: World
This is my personal plan for Valentine’s Day: I have a date with destiny. Not the game, but with actual destiny. I will venture onto Monster Hunter: World, find the Nergigante and make it my fucking bitch. After bodying me back to camp more times than I’d care to admit, I’m finally gathering together the squad. That horned bastard isn’t even going to know what hit it. Yes, I am talking awfully big for someone who will more than likely be the reason for my hunting team to get murdered immediately.
And there’s five ways you can enjoy this Hallmark Holiday. Anything we missed out? Feel free to call me a sad and lonely man in the comments. It’s not like I read them anyway.
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