The Superstar Shake Up has concluded, and left several questions in its wake. Could SmackDown end up with no secondary singles titles if Jinder Mahal regains the U.S. Championship? Will the Bludgeon Brothers emasculate every other tag-team on SmackDown? And is a Shinsuke Nakamura groin-punching now an expected weekly occurrence? We’ll find out some of those answers tonight, then learn more this Friday at the Greatest Royal Rumble, which we’ll thankfully be watching from a location that is not Saudi Arabia.
Intro: WWE again honors Bruno Sammartino as the show kicks off. With this tribute paid, the Miz makes his way to the ring. It’s time for Miz TV.
The Miz raises his hand to shush the crowd, then addresses business. He vows to win the Intercontinental Championship for a record-tying ninth time (which would equal Chris Jericho’s total) at the Greatest Royal Rumble. But, tonight, he welcomes a guest who threatened last week to punch him in the face. Miz again uses his infant daughter as a prop, claiming that he’s a better man since her birth.
The Miz challenges Daniel Bryan to punch him in the face. Instead, Big Cass (carrying a suit jacket) walks onto the entrance ramp. He puts on the jacket. Then he dons a watch. And now he’s ready for Miz TV. Miz looks confused as Cass strides to the ring, asking if he can help him. Cass says it looks like Miz doesn’t have a guest, so he volunteers to be interviewed.
Cass talks about rehabbing his ACL injury for seven months, working tirelessly to return to the ring. And he just happened to get cleared to wrestle on the same day that Bryan’s return was announced. Yet, all he hears from the WWE Universe is love for Bryan. Cass fumes that Bryan looks like a garbageman, yet is beloved by the fans. Fortunately, Cass has some life-changing advice for those fans.
FIGHTING WORDS: “Guess what? You’re never gonna achieve your dreams, because they’re unattainable.” – Big Cass to WWE fans, who he hurtfully refers to as a “bunch of Joe Schmoes.”
Cass tells the crowd that he got bullied as a kid. Then he grew to 7 feet tall, and beat up the kids who bullied him. That’s a great morality tale. Cass tells us he didn’t have to work the bingo halls, the indie scene, or Japan. You know why? “I’m tall, I’m educated, and I’m damn good looking.” This is the speech a heel Roman Reigns should be giving. Cass promises to send Bryan back to retirement, then leaves the ring.
That was an impressive promo and background from Big Cass. He needed to tell his own story without a yapping hype man chewing the scenery around him. Plus, he looks and sounds like someone glued Edge’s head onto Test’s body.
Becky Lynch and Asuka walk backstage en route to Asuka’s in-ring SmackDown debut. They stop, wide-eyed, as they happen upon Bryan, prone and grimacing on the concrete floor. Bryan grasps his left shoulder in pain as a referee and agent attend to him.
As we return from our first break, Tom Phillips informs us that Bryan has been taken to the trainer’s room for evaluation.
Asuka and Becky Lynch vs. The Iconics
– Asuka starts off against Billie Kay. She aims a roundhouse kick at Kay, who turtles without shame. Asuka smiles, waves at her, and hits her with a hip attack. Lynch tags in to floor Kay with a leg lariat. When Kay vacates the ring, Lynch nails her with a leaping clothesline off the apron.
– Royce enters and receives more of the same treatment. Lynch counters a lateral press with an Oklahoma roll, then clocks Royce with a flying forearm. A Becksploder Suplex sends Royce into her own corner, allowing her to tag out. Kay quickly turns the tide against Lynch, and the Iconics borrow Becky’s usual strategy by targeting her left arm.
– The Iconics benefit from their long-term friendship and familiarity. This is the kind of chemistry that other teams (e.g., Riott Squad) cannot hope to quickly replicate.
– After a double clothesline leaves both teams in need of a tag, Asuka enters the match. She applies a standing anklelock to Royce. When Peyton hobbles toward Kay, Asuka wisely German-suplexes her away from the ropes.
– Asuka and Lynch use quick moves to double-team Royce. Kay enters the ring to intervene, then falls down in fear of Asuka and rolls out of the ring.
– Royce pushes Lynch into Asuka, knocking the Empress of Tomorrow off the apron. The Iconics utilize the numbers game to distract Lynch, allowing Royce to shove her into the turnbuckle (left-shoulder first) as Becky stands on the opposite ring apron. Royce schoolgirls Lynch back into the ring for the pin, placing her boots on the bottom rope for leverage.
Result: The Iconics beat Asuka and Becky Lynch when Peyton Royce pinned Lynch with a schoolgirl while using the ropes for leverage.
Grade: B
– Renee Young waits for a word with Shane McMahon outside the commissioner’s office. WWE Champion AJ Styles walks out instead. Young asks a beaming Styles why he looks so ebullient. Styles says that McMahon just gave him a six-man tag-team match tonight against Nakamura and Rusev Day. He tells Young that his partners will be too sweet. Good pop for that announcement. Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson worked far better with Styles than they did with Finn Balor, although that success was probably due to their heel status.
– An intro video package airs on Andrade “Cien” Almas. I saw Almas (sans Zelina Vega) wrestle Aleister Black at an NXT live event last Wednesday. It is remarkable how effective Vega remains at giving Almas an identity and adding vitality to his character.
– The Usos get psyched up in their locker room. Naomi walks up to her husband, Jimmy Uso, in the men’s locker room. Yes, the men’s locker room. This locale choice should’ve been reconsidered. Naomi refuses to apologize for saving him from a good bludgeoning last week. She tells Jimmy that she looked into the eyes of Harper and Rowan last week, and she “saw nothing.” Jimmy plays off his own potential murder, telling his bride not to worry about it.
– Despite taking place in the men’s locker room (can’t overstate that), the dialogue here served to mitigate much of the damage done last week to a badass tag-team that needed a lady to beg for their lives.
Jimmy Uso vs. Rowan
– Rowan starts quickly with a dropkick. He tees up Jimmy for a Harper uppercut, then throws him from the ring. When Jey takes on Harper, he eats a big boot.
– Jimmy dodges a Rowan charge, pulling down the top rope to send the big man tumbling to the arena floor. Uso follows up with a suicide dive that Rowan totally stuffs. Jimmy escapes Rowan’s clutches, then shoves him toward the ring-post. Looks like Rowan blocked that move entirely with his hands. Regardless, Rowan immediately rolls back into the ring so he doesn’t have to sell that questionable contact.
– Uso presses his advantage with a top-rope cross-body block that gets a two-count. When he goes back up-top, Rowan pushes him off into the ringside barrier. He follows up by just running over Uce on the arena floor.
– Rowan picks up a lifeless Uso over his shoulder. Suddenly, Naomi’s music hits as the arena goes dark. She goes through her dance on the entrance ramp. Which WWE production team member gave this entrance a green light? It’s never helpful when an interfering superstar has his/her music played when they surface during a match, but this scenario looks much worse when you TURN OUT THE LIGHTS while a match is ongoing. She even gets her entrance video and aisle lighting activated while she performs this routine.
– As the Bludgeon Brothers stare like two Neanderthal dorks at Naomi, Jey cracks Harper with a flying kick, then drives him into the steel ring-steps. Jimmy similarly hits Rowan with a flying superkick, then schoolboys him for the win.
Result: Jimmy Uso pinned Rowan with a schoolboy.
Grade: C
– Carmella enters the ring for a Backlash championship match contract signing (facilitated by Young). The champion expresses her indignation at being introduced before her challenger. She rightfully complains that no one gave her highlight video a standing ovation last week. Carmella announces that she’ll play the same video again, and she expects to be lauded by the audience when it concludes.
– The video plays. Stunningly, this audience boos Carmella even more vociferously than last week’s crowd. The champion responds by threatening to play the video until these marks get it right. “Capiche?”
– Wow, the production team plays the video a second time. I take back what I said about these guys – they’re money. Sadly, Flair interrupts the highlight package with her own entrance.
– Charlotte sits down in one of two leather chairs. Carmella struts around while showing off her title belt and screaming that she’s the champion. Young requests that Carmella be a professional and take a seat. That’s a weird request to make of a woman who just moonwalked to the ring wearing a backwards baseball-cap and a one-piece swimsuit.
– Flair smiles as she signs the contract for their championship rematch. She lets out a “Wooo!”, which ticks off Carmella, who brandishes the belt while standing over the table. Flair grabs Carmella’s head and dunks it off the table. Theoretically. In reality, she lost her grip and Carmella just went face-first into the furniture of her own accord. Flair tips over the table on top of Carmella to strong applause. Despite the miscue, this scrap got the crowd response that WWE must have been looking for here.
– Phillips announces that the Greatest Royal Rumble is sold out. Which means all you ladies can stop searching for tickets online.
– Dasha Fuentes knocks on Shinsuke Nakamura’s locker-room door. Aiden English peeks out to rebuff her interview request. That is fine public-affairs work.
– When we return from break, Phillips confirms that Carmella signed her contract after she got up from under that table. Glad that someone cared enough to share that detail. Any real sporting event would have mentioned it.
– As Jeff Hardy makes his way to the ring for a rematch with Shelton Benjamin, his music stops as he gets halfway down the aisle. Since he did the same thing to Randy Orton last week, Jeff knows what’s happening, and he nods with frustrated acceptance when Orton’s music hits a few seconds later. Smart to not book Jeff to look perplexed when anyone who watched last week’s show understands what’s happening. Orton walks toward the ring, stops when he reaches Jeff (keeping his gaze focused on the ring), then proceeds on his way.
Randy Orton vs. Shelton Benjamin
– Phillips references the shared history that Orton and Benjamin have here in Louisville, KY as part of Ohio Valley Wrestling. These two superstars debuted in WWE the same year (2002), but their careers have taken divergent paths. Jim Ross lamented WWE’s inability to help Benjamin reach his potential during Shelton’s first run with the company. Meanwhile, Orton has achieved everything that he could’ve been expected to accomplish.
– Orton sidesteps a wheel kick in the opening minute, then Benjamin counters an early RKO. Shelton then avoids the rope-drape DDT by pulling Orton throat-first into the top rope. Benjamin grins as he punishes Orton with kicks to the head. Orton spills to the arena floor. When he returns to the ring apron, Benjamin sends him back to ground-level with a running high-knee.
– Benjamin steals from Orton’s playbook by grinding on a reverse chinlock for an extended period. Orton fights up, but absorbs a wheel kick on Shelton’s second attempt. Speaking of second attempts, there’s that chinlock again.
– Orton breaks the hold by back-suplexing Benjamin. Orton hits two clotheslines, a powerslam, and the rope-drape DDT. When Benjamin bails to ringside, Orton moves as if to toss him into a seated Jeff Hardy. Jeff isn’t doing guest commentary; he’s just there. And he smartly gets out of his chair and asks Orton not to heave a sweaty wrestler at him. Orton reconsiders his options, then back-suplexes Benjamin onto the announce table. Strangely, he doesn’t drop Shelton on his head like he always seemed to do with Samir and Sunil Singh. Wonder why …
– As Hardy remains standing outside the ring, a masked man creeps up and chop-blocks his left knee. WWE security looks primed to apprehend the intruder, who seeks refuge in the ring. Orton grabs and unmasks Sunil Singh. Sunil gets RKO’ed for trying to soften up Hardy before his U.S. title rematch with Jinder Mahal.
– Orton yells “Stupid” at Singh, glaring at him as Sunil rolls out of the ring. But this distraction provides a respite for Benjamin, who springs up and rocks Orton with Paydirt for his biggest WWE singles win in ages. Guessing that Orton beats Benjamin in a rematch within two weeks.
Result: Shelton Benjamin pinned Randy Orton after hitting Paydirt.
Grade: B
– The New Day congregates around a table replete with pancakes and wine glasses filled with Booty O’s. The Bar breaks up this ridiculousness. Sheamus tells New Day they’ll be leaving SmackDown after they reclaim the Raw Tag-Team Championship in Saudi Arabia. The Bar snag a stack of pancakes and blow out the candles on the table.
– Gallows and Anderson met up with Styles (seemingly for the first time today) in the men’s locker room. They “too sweet” each other as we prepare for main-event action.
– A Sanity video package airs. Unsurprisingly, the theme is chaos, which is “arriving”.
– Young asks Bryan for an injury update outside the trainer’s room. Sporting an ice pack bandaged to his left shoulder, Bryan says he’ll be good to go for the Greatest Royal Rumble. He tells Young that he was blindsided by a coward. Bryan talked to Paige, and he’s going to wrestle Big Cass at Backlash.
– Samoa Joe cuts a backstage promo. Joe brags that his fatal four-way Intercontinental Championship match at the Greatest Royal Rumble is a formality; the title already belongs to him. And, if Roman Reigns wins the Universal Championship, he’ll just take that title at Backlash. “Believe … that.”
– English beckons the crowd to tell him what day it is. They respond enthusiastically. So his team is working face this week. It seems to change every Tuesday.
– Instead of Nakamura, we get a video of a rock band tuning and warming up in a club somewhere. The camera pans back to show this video on the Titantron; the visual complements Nakamura’s entrance. His music now features a vocalist rapping over the instrumental portion. This remix adds some vigor to Shinsuke’s theme, which Corey Graves claims he changed because he was sick of WWE fans singing along with it.
AJ Styles and The Club vs. Rusev Day and Shinsuke Nakamura
– Nakamura feigns locking up with AJ, then tags English. Styles knocks Nakamura to the floor anyway, then flips English into the ring. Quick tags to Gallows, Anderson, then back to Styles as the Club unleashes a barrage on English. After sending English to ringside, the Club triple-teams Rusev, launching him into a Gallows big boot. We get a three-man “too sweet” as we take our final commercial break.
– Anderson tags out to Styles as we return. AJ lights up Rusev with his flurry of strikes, but gets distracted by Nakamura. Unable to seize his tormentor, Styles instead falls victim to a Machka Kick. English enters to stomp away at Styles, and as he applies a reverse chinlock, we go to splitscreen so WWE can show a video promoting the Greatest Royal Rumble.
– Nakamura enters once AJ is softened up. He steps into Good Vibrations in the corner, then drops a knee on Styles. Nakamura teases a grounded AJ, then kicks him before tagging Rusev.
– The crowd chants, “We want Gallows” as Rusev drops a running elbow onto Styles. Great move for Gallows and Anderson to switch shows. And great singing by English, who croons, “You’re not going anywhere” as he chinlocks Styles again.
– Gallows does indeed get the hot tag. He overwhelms English before hitting a roundhouse kick to the middle of Aiden’s back. A pumphandle slam leads to Gallows hollering “Nerd”, which leads to a big splash. Rusev and Karl Anderson clash mid-ring, with the latter being sent shoulder-first into the ring-post.
– English tags Nakamura while Gallows is focused on Rusev. Gallows kicks English off the apron, but doesn’t see Nakamura sneaking up behind him. Shinsuke throws a low kick that takes out Big Luke’s left knee, then clouts him with a Kinshasa.
Result: Rusev Day and Shinsuke Nakamura beat The Club when Nakamura pinned Luke Gallows after a Kinshasa.
Grade: B
– Styles tackles Nakamura after the match and lays into him with right hands. When AJ goes for his strike flurry, however, the inevitable happens …
– LOW BLOW BY NAKAMURA! Man, this guy throws a punch to the groin in the most heroic fashion ever. Nakamura looks like a courageous superhero when he holds that uppercut pose. Shinsuke cuts loose and sets out to Kinshasa his foe. At the last moment, Anderson dives into the ring and takes the bullet (heh) for AJ. Nakamura surveys the damage before kicking AJ in the face. Then he picks up a helpless Anderson, taunts AJ with a “Come oooon”, and smashes Anderson with another Kinshasa as Styles vainly tries to cut him off. Nakamura looks damn good right now. It feels like he’s done holding back, exuding a smarmy confidence and backing it up (by hook or crook) in the ring.
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