1. Paris Hilton named best new DJ by French radio station
Paris Hilton was named the best new female DJ by French radio station NRJ… Errrr what?! I just have no words for how incredibly stupid this is. Obviously a marketing based decision, the vacuous, self-obsessed, stick-thin, annoyingly-voiced, stupidly rich waste of space reportedly gets $1 million for certain shows. The most annoying thing is that it came from a listeners vote! Having said that though, if watching ’The Voice’ or seeing the results of cosmic karaoke vom-fest ‘X-Factor’ are anything to go by, the voting public are generally morons and can not be trusted with anything.
2. Kim Kardashian’s photoshopped arse
Kim Kardashian’s massive inflatable arse is all over the internet as we speak, why!? Apparently it was intended, as part of Paper Magazine, to break the internet. I’m not quite sure how a hugely photoshopped picture that makes her look like a cotton bud with two party balloons attached to it is going to break anything, with the possible exception of herself when the added weight eventually makes her topple over backwards. Plus, Kim Kardashian: Hollywoodhas made $43m.
3. FIFA investigates FIFA
After the bribery and corruption claims levelled at the surprising announcements of future football world cups in both Russia and, the most baffling, Qatar, FIFA launched an investigation into itself. Weirdly enough, it found that it had done nothing wrong! Shock! Horror! Of course one of the world’s most dodgy organisations, whose last election gave everybody the options of voting for Sepp Blatter or Sepp Blatter, is going to cover it’s own back. The fact that the Russians didn’t make all the documents available because they ‘lost the emails’ and the man who conducted the investigation has since come out and said the report was essentially bollocks, speaks volumes on what an absolute joke football’s governing body has become.
4. Bargain brawls at Poundworld
After a new branch of Poundworld opened in Nottingham, hundreds of customers swarmed into the store in a mad rush to grab anything related to over-hyped Disney animated film, Frozen. Everything was gone within 10 minutes, after which the shop looked like it had been gutted by a shoal of bargain hunting piranhas. Is this really what people have become? Fighting each other over cheap merchandise just to please their greedy, commercially brainwashed children? On another note, what happened to originality and variety? Why all Frozen stuff? Although I briefly thought when I glanced at the article, “Poundworld are doing frozen foods? Iceland will be in trouble!”
5. Jessica Ennis rape threats
Sheffield’s Olympic Queen Jessica Ennis has been the subject of a few vicious twitter threats recently after publicly stating, quite rightly, that she wants her name removed from a stand at Sheffield United Football Club if Welsh convicted rapist, and part-time bell-end, Ched Evans is allowed to re-sign for the team. Twitter troll @RickieLambert07 had his account suspended after receiving a huge backlash over a sickening Tweet:
Scum; “@RickieLambert07: Jessica Ennis Hill is a stupid cunt!Saying she will remove her name if Ched evens is signed. I hope he rapes her”
Later on that day, user @CoreyOC21 allegedly messaged her, saying “Hope Ched Evans gets you you little slut” almost portraying him like he’s some kind of Freddy Krueger character. Both of these statements are actually sick and have no place in society. Supporters of Evans have also been continually abusing feminist campaigner Jean Hatchet, whose petition to get the club to sever all ties with the player has gained 160,000 plus signatures on change.org.