This year really has sent us to shit, hasn’t it? As if it could get much worse than David Cameron in charge, old Beelzebub has decided to whip up a political nightmare that could potentially leave Theresa May and Donald Trump in charge of two of the world’s richest countries by the end of the year. If that weren’t sufficient to hump the United Kingdom into an economic and social apocalypse, the enactment of Article 50 over the next two years will make it harder for anyone to survive on this damp, mossy rock, let alone thrive on it. Luckily, one has a contact within the psychic community: Mystic Greg, if you will, and he has given me a glimpse into life under this horrid blue curtain.
November 2016 – Trump Wins With Massive Majority
It begins. Guns that have been bought despite horribly inefficient background checks are fired into the sky with delight as Trump takes the oval office. Dallas’ population of pigeons drops by 25% over a single day. The Daily Mail officially brands Trump and May the new Reagan and Thatcher, and with that, May delivers a word for word reenactment of the Iron Lady speech in front of a packed Prime Minister’s Questions.Jeremy Corbyn shakes his head in disbelief and loosens his red tie as Angela Eagle grins on the front bench. Meanwhile, Donald Trump begins work on the new wall bordering Mexico, placing the first brick himself surrounded by sniggering Fox News reporters and cheap immigrant labourers.
January 2017 – The State Of The Union
Trump immediately opens the address with a jibe at the Chinese. He suggests that at least American hot dogs “aren’t made with actual dog”. After briefly being heckled by the four Democrat members of Congress that remain, Trump continues by offering a free handgun to every child over the age of fourteen, maintaining that it will protect them from “alien colonisers” and help support the “enduring liberty” of Americans. Racial shootings increase sevenfold over three weeks, and shooting suspects under the age of sixteen more than triples. Meanwhile, Call of Duty is banned in the United States for its encouragement of violence. Back in Britain, Theresa May has to divorce Larry the Cat after he refused to stop scratching her whilst she was on the phone to foreign heads of state. Luckily, Jeremy Corbyn immediately takes Larry in before renaming him Ceausescu and declaring a nationalised cat food industry to protect the jobs of cat food factory employees. Cats celebrate by urinating and defecating on carpets
April 2017 – Mayday Comes Early
Theresa May takes a huge surge in the ratings as Liam Fox is caught stealing expenses money for his “mortgage” (again). Boris Johnson is remanded in custody for an estimated ounce of cocaine hidden behind his Aga: he escapes prison on the grounds of diminished responsibility and the fact that the judge presiding over the case used to play Eton Fives with Boris at shook. Cabinet reshuffle ensues and The Guardian rejoices as it is calculated that three quarters of the cabinet are women. They are less convinced of a new woman joining the cabinet that is named as “Michaela” Gove. In the United States, panic erupts as Trump realises the budget for his wall will only stretch from San Diego to Juarez. Nevertheless, sponsorship is found for the project, and The Wall becomes forevermore known as the Exxon Mobil Wall-Mart.
September 2017 – The Dream Turns Sour
Austerity hits hard in recession-swept Brexit Britain. Millions are out of work,and even though unemployment continues to rise, the government is propped up by the middle class whose tax cuts have left them more money than ever to buy artisan crisps and roses for the garden. Theresa May is filmed dancing drunkenly at a Conservative Party conference to the tune of “Money, Money, Money” alongside Philip Hammond. With disastrous consequences for the party fast approaching, another hastily organised cabinet reshuffle begins termed “Night of the Long Jives” by the British Press. Hammond is sacked and replaced by Andrea Leadsom. The United States is also in dire straits, as it emerges that bugs were found in the village hall where the Democrats were holding their annual conference prior to the event. Dubbed “Thwartergate” by several left wing media outlets despite a ban on “content insulting to the nation” being banned the previous month, Donald Trump denies all allegations of spying, claiming it was in the interest of “national security”.
December 2017 – Black Christmas
Demand for soup kitchens that were privatised under the latest May initiative triples. Despite claims from Boris Johnson that the centres were “Souper-good fun”, the working families left out in the cold by the Copper Lady’s regime decide to burn an effigy of Johnson starting with straw hair at the top. In America, with similar economic collapse due to the wall draining precious federal resources, Trump’s own effigy is burnt, blond lockes of hair sending embers down onto discarded “Trump/McMahon” stickers, baseball caps and placards. At least America is great again.
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