TimTheTatman, I Understand Your Fall Guys Pain

"Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing."


TimTheTatman currently cannot catch a break in Fall Guys on the quest for his first crown. Setback after setback, public dragging after public dragging, Tim is finding it impossible to win, almost to the point where the internet is convinced he never will.

Tim, it’s okay. I am right there with you. Fall Guys is a statistical anomaly that loves to take large dumps on your chest over and over, but at least its Twitter account isn’t putting me in the social media equivalent of a pillory.

The guy who runs the Fall Guys Twitter account is a straight up masochist, someone who loves to see a player struggle despite the fact that he should be good at it. Because of all of the falling. Tim always die to fall damage.

Anyway, it doesn’t seem to be as much about skill with Tim as it does just bad luck. I don’t want to say there’s someone out there targeting Tim to cause a mental break, but I’m not not saying that either.

While I am not getting publicly dragged or assassinated, I can completely see where TimTheTatman is coming from with his frustration. I haven’t won a single crown either; a jester hat would be more appropriate.

It just doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand why I cannot conquer 59 other beans to be the last bean standing. I am decent if not great at multiplayer games and usually above the halfway mark in leaderboards. I’ve also collected well over 100 Fortnite wins with a couple dozen Apex wins to my name pre-Season 1. Statistically speaking, either via the law of averages or just plain good luck, I should have at least a few crowns to my name by now.

But this game. This goddamn game. It’s something else.

I finish in the top 20% of almost every racing round I play and have more than a few first places to my name. I can navigate Slime Climb like a gelatin Nathan Drake. I rarely fail to get to at least the third round. I am, I think, a good player.

I am also the recipient of this kind of bullshit.

It defies logic. I have become more tilted in a game about pushing balls into a hole while dressed as something that Roald Dahl snotted out than any other game I can think of in recent times. I’ve been knocked out in a game of Fall Ball and laughed with maniacal stress up to the point of mental collapse. I’ve lost a Final Round in a 1v1 that went on and on and on, slipping into a depressive episode straight after that rendered me a puddle of a man.

I don’t understand, man. I just do not understand. I am being confronted with my failings as a player and my brain cannot comprehend it. Surely I should have won by now, right? Surely the stars will align and I will get my luck, right? Surely there will come a time when I get through three team matches a row and then don’t immediately eat shit in the Final Round, right?

Fall Guys is pain. But at least now I know I am not alone.

Tim, we can do this. Probably. Maybe.

Some of the coverage you find on Cultured Vultures contains affiliate links, which provide us with small commissions based on purchases made from visiting our site. We cover gaming news, movie reviews, wrestling and much more.