Why “Suck it up!” is a Concept That Sucks.

Hi. I haven’t written in a while so in true Stacey Warner/Cultured Vultures style I am making a comeback in the form of a rant.

I have had a tough year for a number of reasons that I shan’t go into, but even on a good year having anxiety and depression leaves me prone to mood swings. As a result, a phrase I have heard a lot of in my life is “Suck it up” or “Get over it” and various other variants. I absolutely hate this ideology with a passion.

Now please don’t get me wrong, I sympathise. We have all had someone in our life at some point who seems to hop from one disaster to another and because we are caring human beings this reaches a point where they become emotionally draining for us. They use up our emotional reserves and in extreme cases we reach a point where we cannot help ourselves, let alone help others. I am not saying that because someone else is suffering we should do. It is a perfectly valid and acceptable response to say “I’m sorry, I can’t help you right now.” Yes it’s tough and yes it feels unpleasant for both sides but looking after ourselves has to be our number one priority and a good friend should accept that, even if they are a little hurt in the moment.

I also appreciate that there are some people who respond well to the “suck it up” strategy and you may know your friend well enough to know they need to hear it and need to hear their problems aren’t the centre of the universe but I do believe that is very much on a case by case basis.

“But it’s just a phrase?!” the uneducated masses cry… Yes, it is just words but words can shape a nation. These words can have a serious impact on the person on the receiving end.

 

1. It belittles their problems

Yes alright, there’s always something going wrong with her life. Yes alright, you’ve warned him the past dozen times what she’s like. That doesn’t stop the pain being very real though or the problems any less genuine. Denying someone’s hurt is incredibly insensitive and unfair. It is not right and it is not OK. You may not understand it, you may feel it is self inflicted, you may just be really sick and tired of the same old routine but they are still hurting. If you can’t handle it, fine, back away slowly, but dismissing their feelings is unnecessary.

 

2. It adds to the self depreciation cycle.

Chances are when someone has something going wrong, it will have a negative impact on their self esteem or their confidence. By having a suck it up attitude, you are basically conveying the message that it should be easy to just get over it and deal with it. This can add to a sense of uselessness. Once this spiral is set into place it can make the original problem seem even bigger and the person in turn feel even more useless.

The truth is, none of our problems are particularly easy to deal with. That’s why they’re just that, problems. Your mole hill might be someone else’s mountain, but that doesn’t change the size of the problem any.

Here’s a thought: why not work with them to break it down into mole hill sized problems? Much more productive than accusing them of making drama out of nothing.

 

3. It creates a sense of isolation

Hearing phrases like that can make you feel like you should keep your problems to yourself. Yes it is unfair to overload someone with problems, but, it is important to try and talk to people when you’re struggling. Even if it is Samaritans that you call.  A problem shared is a problem halved. Until you find yourself up against this attitude. Then it is a problem doubled.

 

4. It add more problems

Feeling like you are being a burden to people you care about just adds one more thing to the list of things that are going wrong and you need to spend energy on fixing. It is for this reason that I have started to distance myself from people with this attitude because my energy is being spread in too many directions.

 

It’s also worth pointing out that, particularly in cases like depression, “getting over it” isn’t as simple as a change in attitude. There is something chemically wrong in the brain, it is an illness. I am a big believer in the power of positive thinking, but that doesn’t mean it is always possible to use it to shake the blues. You wouldn’t tell somebody with a broken leg to suck it up and get over it, expecting them to carry on as usual, so why do it to someone who is emotionally struggling?

 

Long story short, either be a good friend and help them work on their problems or be a good friend and accept that you don’t have the capacity to help them. Just don’t belittle them with a “suck it up”. People who do that should go “suck” a lemon. Preferably the science experiment battery kind.