STABFORD DEATHRAGE’S NETFLIX NASTIES: Clash of the Empires (2012)

Clash of the Empires

Half-Men with sticks are kidnapped by Rock-Men with sticks and rescued by Average-Sized Men with sticks in this laughably bad Lord Of The Rings/Hobbit homage from The Asylum.

12,000 years ago in Indonesia, a tribe of dwarves is attacked by another tribe who just happen to be cannibal ‘giants’ that ride computer-generated dragons, and I’m not sure, but this strife might have something to do with Red Delicious apples. The burning of huts and toppling of tables filled with vegetables ensues while everyone runs around carrying sticks. Dragons circle overhead, and their flight formation has a suspiciously Birdemic-esque quality to it. Some dwarves are comically captured and suspended beneath the flying dragons by ropes, and one of the dwarves drops shiny rocks in a fashion reminiscent of Hansel And Gretel. Her family follows the stones in hope of rescuing her, and one of her family members almost pokes themselves in the nose with a thorn from a ‘poison tree’. After one of the cannibal giants is humorously poisoned by one of these trees, the family stumbles upon a stone henge, and a boom shadow makes an appearance. Then someone struggles to pick up a stick.

Suddenly, a poorly-rendered CGI wooly rhino attacks, and a character shines a rock in its face, and everyone knows that’s a pretty common deterrent for CGI wooly rhinos. After a tedious stick-throwing contest, a king wearing pleather overacts. Meanwhile, in the boiling room where dwarves are boiled, which is really just a cave, someone emotes with their eyebrows. No, I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence, either.

Lots of walking through the jungle while carrying sticks occurs, and a giant spider attacks while someone says “What jungle hell is this?”, and I think saying that is a terrible idea but it’s too late because it’s in the script. A guy with phony eyebrows, a faux hawk, and a pleather romper gets a nut-shot and hilariously hits his head on a rock, and if you like to watch prehistoric dudes get hit in the nuts with a stick, you’ll have a second chance later in the film. Oops, spoiler alert.

After about 6 more months of movie, someone whistles directions and I’m not entirely sure why, and it’s exactly what it sounds like but that doesn’t make it any less confusing. Someone gets unconvincingly upset at the prospect of getting eaten, someone else sits in one of those round-backed wicker chairs from the 1970s, and someone completely different bangs rocks together. While attempting to heal a character suffering from a lizard bite, the healer half-heartedly pokes the wound and says, “The poison sack is not broken” and I’m pretty sure that’s not how lizards work. Maybe they did 12,000 years ago in Indonesia, but I couldn’t find anything in Wikipedia about it. Meanwhile, a disposable extra gets a dimly-lit, unconvincingly forced-perspective spear through the head. Then someone says, “I will kill as many as I can before I die, and maybe a few more”, and I think they mean it, but that doesn’t make it any less confusing. Finally, there’s a terrific battle at the end of the film, and by “terrific” I really mean “poorly-executed and lengthy”.

Clash Of The Empires is hilariously bad. Featuring wooden acting, not-so-special special effects, ineffective dubbing, terrible dialogue, unconvincing costumes, several varieties of sticks, and eyebrows from a Halloween superstore, it has to be seen to be believed. It’s highly recommended if you think hiking through a humid jungle environment in burlap is a good idea, you enjoy enthusiastic eyebrow wiggling, and like watching stuff that sucks.

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