REVIEW: Captain America: The Winter Soldier

To say that Peatree Bojangles had mixed feelings about Captain America: The Winter Soldier would be an understatement.

I was not the most excited I’ve ever been going to the cinema. I still haven’t seen Grand Budapest Hotel, so I was in a bit of a mood when my boyfriend and his brother started screaming CAPTAIN AMERICA at me. I just want some Bill Murray loving. I had a long day, and I just wanted to relax and listen to Bill’s soothing voice. Instead I was going to be put through bad CGI and Chris Evans’ terrible acting. He’s not even attractive. YOU HEARD ME. He is not even attractive.

Almost as if Odeon knew I was annoyed, they only had 3D showings. What a pointless fucking fad this is. Firstly, film your movie in 3D if you want to screen it in 3D. Otherwise, you’ve added it with the hope that some of it may ‘look cool’. What these producers have not realised, is that 3D does not work with high intensity action. Your poor eyes are busy trying to understand why everything looks fucking stupidly slightly less 2D than usual, and now they are expected to keep up with fast moving, quick cut motion? No thank you, I like my eyesight.

I know about Captain America. I even know about the Winter Soldier. It may come as a surprise to some of you that I grew up on Marvel comics. Captain America wasn’t my favourite (the X-Men, and all other by-products of that series were my life), so I wasn’t too concerned on how factual it was to the literature. What I did want to know, was how many close ups do we see of Scarlett Johansson’s ass? The answer is, quite frankly, not enough. Dear God. Her ass, her lips, her hair; the way it moved in the wind. Her snappy remarks and tits. Damn. She was, occasionally, the comic relief, but what concerned me was that a good four characters were comic relief. That was definitely too much for a film that wasn’t a comedy. How are you expected to take this seriously?

The story wasn’t correctly based on any of the comics, in case you were wondering. It was, though, packed with fucking badass amazing action. At one point, everyone in the cinema (not me, I have some self restraint) ‘oooo’ed at what I can only describe as a backflip, kick, scissoring, uppercut moonwalk. It was very well choreographed. This, as an action film, lived up to its hype. As a story, it was one of the most predictable things I’ve ever put myself through since I last read one of my own tedious articles. It wasn’t long until I discovered I was only there for the action and hopefully some Mark Ruffalo during the credits.

(There is no Mark Ruffalo. There is, though, a hint towards an inaccurate Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch).

Let’s discuss the Winter Soldier. What a great cinematic character. What a strange fucking spin on who he is – most likely to help us connect with him in the small amount of time they give us – but nonetheless, what a joy to watch. I always enjoy a villain who seems to be more powerful than our hero. Reminds us that no matter what we believe, someone will come along and smash shit up. You could be Captain Fucking America, and you can still be beaten down. Despite the surrealism of comic book films, it’s reassuring to know we can connect to the absurdity of it all.

Its strongest points may also be its failing. Sometimes, the need to exaggerate on action leaves you feeling empty. Did I come to watch loads of people punch each other? It seems so. I left happy to have watched some cool scenes, but ultimately bored of the whole concept.

I wish I watched The Grand Budapest Hotel instead.