Make the Case: Ranking A Christmas Carol

There was a temptation with this last Make the Case that will be published with Cultured Vultures to go for a subject that would be appropriate for the end of this chapter. But what’s really going to summarize a column that ran without pause every month for almost 10 full years?

Yeah, your guess is as good as mine.

So, as I write this last column for Cultured Vultures, I decided to wrap things up here by simply acting as though nothing is changing.

Really, there isn’t much that’s ultimately going to be different moving forward. Make the Case will continue. Just not at Cultured Vultures, which is closing its doors after 10 years because like a bunch of idiots we’ve abandoned websites in favor of thoroughly oppressive, bleak social media hubs. Cultured Vulturess was and will always be one of the best media websites ever put together. Jimmy Donnellan deserves better than hoping a bunch of illiterate goons will appreciate the brilliant writers he has fostered, the wide range of topics that have benefitted from his attention, and the sheer entertainment value Cultured Vultures brought to people every day for a very long time.

I will never forgive or accept a world that lets websites like Cultured Vultures languish in obscurity and die needlessly.

Make the Case will continue, but not right now. I haven’t had an actual break from this job in 27 years. I’ll be taking one, and all I can promise you is that it’s going to be at least a year before you see this column again.

So, rather than say goodbye, we’re starting a long overdue break, and we’re leaving for the winter holiday and beyond with a fun subject.

Last year, because I am a desperate man who is barely holding onto hope, I watched no less than a dozen movie and TV adaptations of Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol. I even listened to a riveting reading of the tale by iconic Pinhead actor Doug Bradley. Why? I genuinely don’t know. I like the story but have never considered it a part of the foundation of the holidays as I see them.

But last year, I was desperate to do something different in my holiday programming. I have to say it turned out for the most part to be a lot of fun. One thing you can say about the 12 movies we’re ranking here is that not one of them tells the Christmas Carol in exactly the same fashion as another. Different movies have different objectives, emphasizing different things in the hope of creating a unique and entertaining stamp on one of the most filmed books I can think of.

And to that end, every movie here does something that’s at least interesting, if not enjoyable. Only a couple of these are noticeably bad. Well, maybe more than a couple, but we’ll see how it all goes when we call up the Ghost of Christmas Past for drinks, tell the Ghost of Christmas Present to fuck off down the road, and ask the Ghost of Christmas Future to go easy on us for a little while.

We’ll see what happens on the coldest winter night.

 

12. A Christmas Carol (1997)

Director: Stan Phillips

How can an animated movie with Tim Curry as Scrooge go so very, very wrong? I don’t want to pick on this relatively obscure 1997 animated feature, which seemingly didn’t even get released until Nickelodeon screened it on television in 2002, but what the hell happened here?

A Christmas Carol hits most of the notes from its source material, but nothing here feels very organic or atmospheric, to say nothing of the lifeless performances that come from genuinely talented actors like Ed Asner and Whoopi Goldberg, both of whom have done good voice performances in the past. There’s a clear effort in this movie to do the best possible work with what doesn’t seem like much of a budget, but it doesn’t save the film from feeling like it was quickly and badly cobbled together with a few frames of animation set to some awful, awful songs, a bit of masking tape, and what might be Tim Curry’s worst voice performance.

It’s astonishing how disconnected and hastily made A Christmas Carol can feel. Even when the movie makes its own touches to the original story, including a dog named Debit that no one will ever love, and the interesting notion of a female Ghost of Christmas (which I believe has only been done one other time), it feels like the movie is trying to drag itself over the finish line before everything falls apart. The movie doesn’t even get close to the finish line, and that’s as always a shame because there are nevertheless flickers of what a better overall film might have looked like.

 

11. A Christmas Carol: The Musical (2004)

Director: Arthur Allan Seidelman

Directed by the man who helmed Arnold Schwarzenegger’s first movie, A Christmas Carol: The Musical also benefits from being based on a very successful, long-running Broadway production that has included some of the greatest names in the modern history of theater. Kelsey Grammer is no stranger to Broadway and has on literally dozens of occasions shown off a distinct and strong singing voice. So, again, much like the previous movie, I’m left to wonder what is going on here. Because A Christmas Carol: The Musical is embarrassingly cheesy and poorly produced.

Even with the benefit of good songs, such as “God Bless Us Everyone”, A Christmas Carol: The Musical is mediocre TV movie bullshit at its finest. Atmosphere is something I’ll come back to more than once with good versions of A Christmas Carol. This movie lacks that atmosphere wholesale, forcing us to contend with little more than Kelsey Grammer providing good vocals and some of the worst, hammiest choices any actor could ever hope to attach to a performance of Ebeneezer Scrooge.

It’s not fair to say that everything about Grammer’s obnoxious sitcom performance feels grating at best and empty at worst. That’s because the entire movie feels that way. The songs are lifeless in this form, the pacing is unbearably slow, and not even solid performances from Geraldine Chaplin, Jesse L. Martin, and Jane Krakowski as the Ghosts can save this. It’s another shockingly bad take on the Dickens story, singularly combined with the worst possible take on a decent Broadway musical. Well done, jackasses.

 

10. A Christmas Carol (2009)

Director: Robert Zemeckis

There are movies in which Jim Carrey is brilliant and compelling in equal measures. The Uncanny Valley tribute otherwise known as the 2009 A Christmas Carol goes in the other direction. Sometimes, you just want to move to a time and place in which Jim Carrey’s relentless mugging and shrill impersonations can never touch or hurt you again, and A Christmas Carol reminded me of this so often, I thought I was trapped in a time loop.

I wasn’t, so all I can do now is wonder why director Robert Zemeckis has been obsessively opting for technology over story and character for what feels like an entire generation at this point. A Christmas Carol belongs in the same camp as his 2004 nightmare The Polar Express and the aggressively unremarkable 2007 Beowulf. A lot of impressive computer filmmaking tech, and maybe something your kids will dig, but not much else. The performances here and in those other films feel constantly off the mark, when they’re not so cringe-inducing, I wonder if the actors can feel my psychic misery from afar.

I get that a lot of people like this 2009 version. I put off watching it for years because I had a deep suspicion that I was going to have a bad time. And I did. I’m glad you all like Gary Oldman so much, because much like Jim Carrey, A Christmas Carol had me feeling most of the time like I’m dealing with an insufferable asshole who refuses to leave my home.

 

9. Ms. Scrooge (1997)

Director: John Korty

Remembering for a moment the famously woke late-90s, this completely forgotten USA Network TV movie has a good idea for approaching this material, and it begins with casting the late, great Cicely Tyson in a race and gender-swapped take on Ebenezer Scrooge.

While naming this character Ebenita seems a little, what’s the phrase, fucking stupid, seeing Tyson in what feels like a rare starring role is almost enough to power this entire production. Because unfortunately, the rest of the movie suffers from TV movie pacing and tonally bizarre performances from a supporting cast that left me to sometimes wonder if everyone involved had even heard of A Christmas Carol. The movie fails more often than not at its most dramatic moments, which has more to do with the writing and direction than with the performances themselves.

It’s just hard to shake the notion that Ms. Scrooge and its modernized take on Dickens’ novel feels like some sort of weird obligation the USA Network had. Like me, you may wish the excellent, underrated performances by Tyson and Katherine Helmond as Marley had a better television network behind them. They deserve a Christmas Carol reimagining with a better shot at realizing the potential that’s certainly here for the very curious and perhaps terminally bored (guilty as always).

 

8. A Christmas Carol (1999)

Director: David Jones

We’re getting to the point in this ranking of Christmas Carol movies where I don’t think the end result is completely terrible. Still, with so much talent behind this 1999 TV movie version that ran on TNT, you’re once again going to be left expecting a little more. We’ve got Patrick Stewart bringing pitch perfect gravitas to the role of Scrooge, as well as a performance that adds layers of regret, rage, and other fun emotions to the character.

We also have a movie directed by David Jones, who had a very, very long career in film, TV, and stage, and directed such films as 84 Charring Cross Road and 1993’s supremely underrated The Trial. We even have a supporting cast that includes some real heavyweights, including Richard E. Grant, Ian McNeice, Bernard Lloyd, and Oscar winner Joel Grey in the most terrifying costume any Ghost actor has ever worn.

So, we have all the makings of a strong, dramatic take on the story, and that’s what you get with A Christmas Carol, However, you also get something that’s so stern about this material, it forgets to have any real fun. This feels like the version your teacher would make you watch. It’s good, but the whole thing gets a little dour by the end, and suddenly it all feels a bit like homework.

 

7. An American Christmas Carol (1979)

Director: Eric Till

Despite being just a little dull at times, An American Christmas Carol is a scrappy TV movie gem that gets a lot from a genuinely fresh look at the classic Christmas Carol formula. Not only does An American Christmas Carol move the story from 19th century England to Depression-era New Hampshire, but it runs the whole story and its characters through this change, meaning it’s not just a cut-and-paste effort, but something that feels like a uniquely and specifically American retelling. That’s a better-than-average achievement for a somewhat forgotten film that aired on ABC in December of 1979.

An American Christmas Carol sets itself off on a good start by casting Henry Winkler as the Scrooge-like Benedict Slade. Much like 1988’s Scrooged, American Christmas Carol establishes a universe in which the story by Charles Dickens exists alongside the story we’re seeing unfold. It’s not especially important here, but it makes for a nice moment at the end of the movie, and Winkler is an underrated Scrooge who makes you believe the redemption element that many of these adaptations fall apart on. The best Scrooge performances for me tend to be ones that run the gamut of the emotional journey of a real son of a bitch realizing the error of their ways at the zero hour and becoming legitimately and believably transformed into a force for good in the world.

Even as An American Christmas Carol is sometimes a little too drab and slow-paced for its own good, it has an excellent supporting cast behind Henry Winkler proving why he’s still starring in shows and winning awards over 40 years later.

 

6. A Christmas Carol (1951)

Director: Brian Desmond Hurst

One of the more famous film versions of A Christmas Carol, this 1951 classic was my mom’s favorite take, so it’s a movie I’ve seen several times throughout my life. It’s not the most visually interesting production of A Christmas Carol, but for the overwhelming talent of a cast that makes every single character in this film memorable and vital, I get why this is still one of the most beloved movies based on A Christmas Carol that anyone will ever likely make.

However, despite the extraordinary talent of a cast that included Mervyn Johns as Bob Cratchit, Michael Hordern as Marley’s Ghost, and Michael J. Dolan as the Ghost of Christmas Past, the real star of A Christmas Carol, released in its native U.K. as simply Scrooge, is obviously Alastair Sim as Ebenezer Scrooge. Scrooge is naturally the center of virtually any given version of this story, but it’s with the best movies based on A Christmas Carol that you have a performance that manages to be moving and even surprising, in spite of a story that we are all extremely familiar with at this point.

Alastair Sim plays Scrooge as a bitter and broken coward, and his transformation to a kind, charitable person is one that I’ll almost guarantee will move you, even if you’re as cynical as it gets about this plot. Great acting in a good production can almost always overcome such cynicism, and you need to find this out for yourself if you still haven’t seen this.

 

5. Spirited (2022)

Director: Sean Anders

I didn’t expect to like this dramatic revision of the 1843 novella as much as I did, but Spirited has become a holiday tradition in our household. Granted, a tradition that’s less than two years old at time of writing, but a tradition, nevertheless.

Spirited is clever, taking the Scrooge story and presenting it as something that not only happened, but has continued on as spirit-run rehabilitation program. Will Ferrell proves he’s still a strong comic actor when the rest of the movie is worth a damn, playing a Ghost of Christmas Present who refuses retirement and insists that even the worst human being on record, a media consultant (Ryan Reynolds, doing some of his best non-Deadpool work in a while here), can be redeemed. The resulting musical journey may run just a tiny bit too long, and with some songs (“Good Afternoon” being a notable highlight) being much better than others (no one really needs “Unredeemable”), but it’s a sharp take on the familiar narrative and thematic beats.

Spirited also works as a smart and sometimes even biting satire of not only A Christmas Carol, but of the entire arena of heartwarming holiday dramedies. It tries to do this while veering between its own comedy and drama, and with excellent choreography, and Reynolds and Ferrell bringing out the absolute best in each other, Spirited is more successful than not.

 

4. A Christmas Carol (1984)

Director: Clive Donner

Proving that you can make a TV movie based of A Christmas Carol that has every bit of the scope and sweep of anything made for movie theaters, the 1984 British-American coproduction of A Christmas Carol is oddly cheerful in even its grimmest moments. Capturing a perfect look and feel of the period and season, A Christmas Carol is crackling with life and energy. Even as it celebrates its 40th anniversary in 2024.

George C. Scott as Scrooge just makes sense, given Scott’s towering presence and powerful speaking voice with a deep commitment to the art of his profession, but Scott’s human, affecting performance surprises you often enough that you’ll truly appreciate his particular stamp on the character. As you might guess, George C. Scott plays Scrooge with burning intensity in every emotion, which sometimes leads to moments where you’ll wonder if Scrooge was actually just an insane person who imagined the whole thing.

You’ll see what I mean, and you’ll also see that this isn’t a bad thing. There are Scrooge performances that seem to overdo the highs and lows or fail at anything but creating a tedious caricature of a rich old miser. Scott’s performance takes Scrooge as seriously as a heart attack, and that’s fine when the direction, music, production design, and supporting cast all represent a group of people at their very best.

A Christmas Carol is another take on this story that can move even the most jaded viewer. I believe that as much as I believe that literally every movie David Warner has ever appeared in is that much better for having him.

 

3. Scrooged (1988)

Director: Richard Donner

A childhood favorite that holds up quite well, Scrooged is a bizarre effort to modernize the Dickens source material, with Bill Murray as Frank Cross the a ruthless president of the leading television network. Prepping a live production of A Christmas Carol with Buddy Hackett and Mary Lou Retton (sounds like shit honestly), Frank finds themselves visited by three deeply strange interpretations of the three Ghosts. But between David Johansen’s cackling New York cab driver, Carol Kane whooping Bill Murray’s ass, and a genuinely unnerving Ghost of Christmas Future, it’s all in good fun.

And that’s good because Scrooged is a little messy in updating the 1843 original, and in making the redemption of Scrooge plausible to begin with. Few versions of A Christmas Carol are truly perfect to me, but a great cast that covers almost the entire range of characters who populate this world and give meaning to Scrooge’s long, dark night of the soul can forgive a lot, and Scrooged is packed with amazing actors and memorable performances.

Karen Allen, Bobcat Goldthwait, Alfre Woodard, and Robert Mitchum are among those performances, with Bill Murray’s go-for-broke approach to the Ebenezer Scrooge persona being one of the most intense and relentlessly funny of all time. But it’s particularly delightful to see John Glover as a smarmy TV executive, as well as the scene-stealing trio of homeless lunatics played by Michael J. Pollard and Anne and Logan Ramsey. These things and director Richard Donner’s nearly flawless ability to keep things moving and lively all make Scrooged a yearly holiday watch that has not worn out its welcome in our household.

 

2. The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

Director: Brian Henson

The Muppet Christmas Carol is probably your favorite version of this story. Until last year, it was also mine. That’s not a knock on this movie in the slightest. It’s effectively a perfect holiday viewing experience, one which features some of the best songs ever written for not only this narrative, but also in the Muppets songbook. It’s a little cheesy, but some movies really do seem to wrap you up in a cozy blanket, set a cup of hot chocolate at your side, and leave you to enjoy something that is clearly a product of creative joy.

The notion of creative joy is a good way to describe the Muppets themselves when the material is pitch perfect. The Muppet Christmas Carol, the first Muppet made in the wake of Jim Henson’s shocking death just two years prior, is a good example of why these characters continue to resonate with enough people to make you wonder why Disney has managed to shit the bed with these characters over and over again.

Besides taking an extremely faithful approach to the novella, The Muppet Christmas Carol also has one of the best actors of the past 60 years playing Scrooge as though he wasn’t playing opposite frogs and bears. Michael Caine’s Scrooge has often been cited as the best, and it’s hard for me to argue with that. Except for the one movie that did win me over, but let’s be clear: The Muppet Christmas Carol is one of the best holiday movies ever made. It only misses the top spot because our next musical approach to A Christmas Carol does slightly better with that concept.

 

1. Scrooge (1970)

Director: Ronald Neame

I had seen bits and pieces of Scrooge over the years, a 1970 musical that featured the tagline “What the dickens have they done to Scrooge?”, but never committed to watching the whole thing because it just wasn’t something I was in any huge hurry to see. After a certain point with A Christmas Carol, there is a tendency to assume that no film adaptation can show you something you haven’t already seen before.

This is why Scrooge comes out on top. I expected a fun, albeit dated musical with a good performance by 34-year-old Albert Finney. I did get that, but from its wide-reaching and surprisingly complex songs, to Finney himself giving the most electrifying performance of Scrooge I’ve ever seen, Scrooge surpassed expectations in a way that took me completely aback. I was ready to watch this film again immediately after it was finished, and that’s not a feeling I have very often at this point in my life.

Scrooge has so much of its own energy and style that it should be impossible that it’s also the very best version of A Christmas Carol that I’ve seen in the 35+ years I’ve spent watching these damn things. The songs are fun and often funny but have enough versatility to give new depth and meaning to this story’s darkest moments. The choreography, cinematography by Oswald Morris, and certainly the production design all emphasizes these songs, and the absolutely mind-blowing series of creative decisions that led a not-even-35-years-old Albert Finney to create a version of Scrooge that I have never seen before and will never see again.

Finney’s Scrooge is a weird, wild, and eminently fascinating explosion of noise, greed, and rage. The movie takes him through the beats we’re expecting but peppered with amazing songs and a peerless supporting cast, Scrooge’s journey to redemption felt like it was all being related to me for the very first time. It’s rare to see any literary adaptation bring so many of its own ideas while not once failing to material that inspired these ideas in the first place.

I’ll be watching Scrooge again this year. There aren’t a lot of things I look forward to at Christmas, other than being with my wife, my own Scrooge-like redemption, but watching this again will be one of them.

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