Stabford Hold Your Breath

After failing to hold their breaths while driving past a cemetery, a murderous ghost possesses an SUV filled with douchebags in this Asylum horror film.

A felon convicted of stabbing someone 62 times with a fountain pen is killed by electric chair during stock footage of a thunderstorm, but not before slicing the throat of the warden with a gross thumbnail, gouging out his own eye, and frothing at the mouth.

Years later, the film crew makes a cameo appearance in the reflection of an SUV to generic rock accompaniment as 6 forgettable douchebags head out for a camping trip. As they drive past the only cemetery in California, they all hold their breath because of an urban legend, except for the stoner, who’s been ironically holding in weed smoke the entire trip and suddenly needs to inhale ghost vapor at that exact moment because it’s in the script.

They stop at the abandoned asylum for the criminally insane for a tinkle and some breaking-and-entering sexytime, and a cop gets his testicles electrocuted by jumper cables and stabbed by a weed pipe, and it’s almost as though someone doesn’t seem to know how jumper cables work. The supposedly intelligent friend says, ‘I think the only bed they’re going to find is made of stone’, and I’m not exactly sure what that means, but you can tell he’s the smart one because of his eyeglasses. Then they walk past a bed.

Hold Your Breath GIF

A lengthy, cringe-inducing love scene in a morgue happens because the ladies like romance, and then two female characters talk a male character into sitting in an electric chair. This scene takes nearly forever. A storm approaches, but it seems to just be localized within one room. The stoner throws the group’s cellphones into the woods, and a boom makes a cameo appearance in the reflection of the SUV.

As they set up camp by a murky pond near the cemetery, they somehow make a boring, crappy camping trip look even more boring, crappy, and inexplicable. The nearly-electrocuted male character beats one of the female character’s face against the steering wheel of the SUV, then drives through the unconvincing cemetery where he finds some conveniently placed rope. Since the couple has been missing for almost 30 seconds and it’s daylight, the remaining characters grab their flashlights to look for their disposable friends. Meanwhile, the nearly-electrocuted dude scoops the chick’s eyeball out with a set of car keys and flicks it at her, and she doesn’t seem especially concerned about this in spite of the fact she’s topless and tied to a tree. After she’s mildly electrocuted and cut in half, it’s suddenly dark. Yes, missing eyeballs and electrocution seems to be a recurring theme, you know, because of the capital punishment.

During a day-for-night shot with suspiciously dim flashlights, someone discovers blood and some familiar tire tracks because it’s in the script. I’m assuming they can tell the difference between tire tracks because they all work part-time at a tire store, but since there’s almost no characterization, it’s anyone’s guess.

YouTube comment
This film’s trailer comments are a goldmine. A confusing goldmine.

Suddenly, a stranger with a shotgun, some conveniently-brewed coffee, and all the answers shows up and convinces them to go to his house because that makes a bunch of sense. Then the supposedly intelligent character defensively holds a saucepan while his female friend attacks him as she wields a hand mixer. She retaliates and unconvincingly overpowers him with beaters to the eyes, which seems pretty likely, you know, because of the wispy ghostly possession, the blending horsepower of kitchen utensils, and conveniently displaced eyewear.

A bunch of movie happens featuring computer-generated spirits and continuity defying luggage, and the movie finally ends a few times and not a moment too soon.

Boring, dreadful, and eye-rollingly bad (see what I did there?), Hold Your Breath is reminiscent of teen slasher films from the Eighties, sans the charm and mullets.

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