This is a dark time that we live in. North Korea seem more adamant than ever about obliterating the rest of the world, terrorist attacks have tragically become almost commonplace, perma-tanned blithering idiot Donald Trump seems happy enough to stoke the flames of war, and, perhaps worst of all, cars in Overwatch now have wheels. This is the darkest timeline.
As far as I see it, there’s only one thing to do: get blind drunk. I don’t want to be sober when the world comes crashing down! So, to make light of the MOAB-dropping muppet, I’ve painstakingly created a Donald Trump drinking game. And by that I mean “loosely copy the structure of Ring of Fire”.
If you’re unfamiliar, all you need are a sizeable glass, a standard deck of cards to scatter around said glass, and a group of fellow drunkards. Each player draws a card, and each card has a certain value. Those values are as follows:
Aces – The player that draws an Ace must fill a quarter of the communal glass. In this instance, the glass is an ICBM, and each pour brings us closer to thermonuclear Armageddon. The player that draws the final ace downs the glass and triggers war, ending the game and the world as we know it.
Red 2, 3 & 4 – You must build the wall 2, 3 or 4 feet. Drink the respective amount.
Black 2, 3 & 4 – You make Mexico build the wall 2, 3 or 4 feet. Nominate a player to drink the respective amount.
5 – You know that weird finger and thumb hand gesture Trump does? Last person to do that gesture drinks. Card can be played whenever.
6 – Six is a travel ban. No one can go for a piss until the next six is drawn, at which point a judge repeals the ban and everyone makes a mad dash for the toilet.
7 – Last person to touch the ground shouting “Make America Great Again!” has to drink. Card can be played whenever.
8 – Sean Spicer says something stupid, press coverage reaches critical mass and Twitter literally can’t even handle this right now. Fuck knows what relevance that bears on the game as eight is a reverse card.
9 – You’re writing a new speech for the Donald, and want to insert some rhyming to get the attention of the press and voters. Players go in a circle to create each line of a speech, but the last word must rhyme. Loser takes a drink. Winner gets an all expenses paid trip to Trump Towers to have a piss party.
10 – Adopt an apprentice. Every time you drink, they must drink.
10 of Hearts – You are now the Donald. You must talk like Donald Trump and everyone must refer to you as Donald, or Don, or Twatbag McShitstain. Failure to do so results in drinking. Also, any drink the Don takes, everyone else must follow suit.
Jack’s – Create some new legislation. Invent a rule the other players must follow. Examples include no fucking swearing, repeating the last word of every sentence sentence, and all drinking penalties are doubled.
Queen’s – The question card. The player with this card asks a question, the recipient must then answer with their best Donald Trump impression. Failing that, just say something racist and blame China. If the recipient fails to do that, they drink. If they succeed, the card player drinks.
King’s – Trickle Down Trumpanomics. Basically the waterfall card. The starting player starts chugging, everyone follows until the starting player stops. Guaranteed to fuck you up as bad as the planet will get fucked by Trump’s anti global warming stance.
The game continues until all Aces are drawn, or you forfeit because you must retreat to your assigned Vault in time for the great cataclysm. Remember kids, drink responsibly.
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