Confessions of a Gaijin: Episode 8 – One Step At A Time

Confessions of a Gaijin

It’s my birthday, and I’m standing at the top of a mountain.

The mountain in question is Mount Haguro, a sacred ascetic sanctuary in Yamagata prefecture. It is famous for its 2,446 steps, lined with gargantuan cedar trees, which its monastic architects probably intended as some sort of spiritual metaphor for perseverance and commitment. At the top of the steps is a magnificent site which combines a huge thatched-roof temple with a plethora of gardens and shrines. The climb up here was arduous but doable. Accompanying me were a fleet of Japanese tourists, many of whom muttered “ganbaré” (or “do your best”) to themselves over and over again like a mantra as they negotiated the formidable terrain. At the halfway point was an outdoor cafe with a stunning view, where a nice Japanese lady brought me Matcha green tea and cookies before presenting me with a certificate (“We celebrate your strong legs and this honours your great achievement”, it actually says). It strikes me as a bit odd that they would give your certificate even though technically you haven’t actually completed the climb.

I’ve retreated to this part of the country for five days to rest and regroup after the lunatic brutality of the last couple of weeks. The original plan was to go to Hokkaido, but being that this is Japan and the entire country all takes their holiday at the same time for some reason, everywhere decent was sold out so I frantically skimmed booking.com before I settled on guesthouse with a 9.0 rating (“Fabulous!”) in Haguro Town.

My lodgings for the week are at a Shukubo, a Buddhist guesthouse run by a genial priest and his family. They don’t speak much English but they are warm and obliging. The priest’s wife has a creased, kindly face and brings me bowls of delicious vegetarian food at dinnertime (the ‘dinner bell’ is a Casio keyboard rendition of the music from the old Hovis ads). You can choose your own mealtime here even though that means you eat by yourself, but I don’t mind: I get to eat my food mindfully in keeping with Buddhist tradition. Last night a bunch of visiting high schoolers stuffed their faces in their room next to me. There was a screen separating our two dining rooms but I wished them all love and luck anyway.

I’ve only been here a few nights but I’m already fond of the place. It has a rickety, charming vibe to it; small patches of duct tape are stuck in random places all over the building, like it’s being held together with good intentions and love. The dining room has family photos and portraits of the monks who ran the show before their successors took over. My room is huge; a set of screen doors separate the sleeping quarters from an actual prayer room which I haven’t used yet as I am thus far unfamiliar with the protocols for Buddhist or Shinto worship. I’d like to light a candle in there but am slightly concerned I’ll set the tatami mats on fire and destroy the entire building.

Choosing to spend your birthday by yourself would usually be the sort of thing that you’d only really do if your name was Travis Bickle, but I feel comfortable being here. I made the decision to go solo after it became apparent to me over the last few weeks that I had become more and more uncomfortable with myself; the stress and burnout had fried my brain and I found myself constantly in states of tension or over-thinking. Clearly this will not do, so I came out here to reconnect with myself and start enjoying my own company again. I’m a people person to my core and am normally so eager to give and receive affection that I may as well be a Labrador puppy, but all of that means very little if you can’t learn to be affectionate with yourself first. When I’m not out exploring I spend my down time taking catnaps, meditating, playing Nintendo 3DS and drinking green tea from vending machines. Last night I walked around the town and listened to the crickets, frogs and cicadas making night-time chatter. The ability to relax feels positively luxurious.

And while I’m out there I am able to do one more very important thing; take stock. I’ve been so caught up in simply trying to survive my working weeks that I hadn’t been able to take an objective look at how far I’ve come and all the milestones I’ve achieved along the way. It occurs to me that I’ve been terribly hard on myself over the last month-and-a-bit, and I’ve not been able to give myself nearly enough credit for my accomplishments. I’ve started a new life in a foreign country from scratch, despite not being able to speak much of the language. I’ve been told by my superiors that I’m actually pretty good at my job. I’ve made new friends and discovered new places. I’m on such good terms with the staff at my local bar that a few nights earlier I was drinking with some friends before they killed the lights, played The Beatles’ version of ‘Happy Birthday’ and brought me an improvised birthday cake – complete with candle – that they had made from 7-11 donuts, whipped cream and maple syrup. Then they let me put on my iPod behind the bar before they gave me my present; a special bottle of gourmet Asahi. I bowed deeply and felt a huge swell of gratitude.

Tomorrow night is my last at the shukubo before I take two trains back to my beloved Tokyo for a night out with friends and then onto Osaka for the Summer Sonic music festival. The fact that I am able to do all these things strikes me as incredible. I am making a pledge to continue shifting my attention to the positive. Climbing 2,446 steps feels like a very appropriate metaphor for my time out here so far; the slog can be hard, but the rewards can be enormous. Here’s to that, and to whatever comes next.

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