Anna-Lisa left the school for good a few weeks ago. She was seen off with a tearful farewell party where weeping students made short, endearing speeches in broken English about how much she meant to them. One of them even produced a guitar and sang her a song. She left the building with armfuls of presents and well-wishing letters. I was reminded of one of those slightly irritating Facebook memes where italic script imposed against a picture of a sunset reminds you that People May Forget What You Said Or Did, But They Will Never Forget How You Made Them Feel.
The departure of Anna-Lisa means we have a new teacher at the school. Her name is Sally. She is young, energetic, ever-so-slightly nervous and always eager to please. She is immensely kind and cheerful and reminds me an awful lot of me when I started last spring.
Because Sally is new, it means I am now advanced to the position of what the Japanese call senpai; the senior co-worker who is supposed to act as a mentor and sage to the new recruits. The fact that I have advanced to this title is something that amuses me no end, as I have rarely been in a senior position at any company I’ve worked for and I have almost never had anyone ever look up to me for anything. I can’t take it especially seriously, but it seems I must; a few weeks ago the headteacher sat me down at the school and extolled, with trademark Japanese earnestness, that Sally – and the school – are counting on me and I have to set the example. In so many words, I am told to up my game.
The petulant side of me is tempted to laugh out loud at this and ignore it. For one thing, I am absolutely fucking exhausted and it takes me enough energy as it is to get myself through the working day, let alone anyone else. Furthermore, I have been here for less than a year and am fucking off for good in nine weeks. I’m not exactly a veteran. Is there really much point in stretching myself any further when my departure is imminent? I didn’t renew my contract precisely because I found the working environment too chaotic and unmanageable, so who am I to be setting any kind of example?
A few years ago I probably would have shrugged off any kind of responsibility and simply gone back to phoning it in and and doing the least amount humanly possible. But the last ten months have been very instructional for me, and I’ve seen what happens when you continually give in to your lower self. The universe appears to be offering me a chance to better myself, to step into a version of me that’s more mature and confident than previous iterations. Perhaps I should, at the very least, man up and give it a shot.
I’m on the last stretch of my contract now; just a couple of months until I am in the wind. I guess I could spend those last nine weeks coasting. I’ve already given this place virtually every shred of myself. But if possible, I would like those final weeks to be good ones. Being senpai means more work, more effort, more energy spent. It will be tough, but I want this period to be the one where I do my best work and go out on a high. I feel like I’ve been to hell and back so many times since I came out here and I want to have something to show for all the tears and exhaustion. I want some sort flag of achievement that I can plant in the ground and claim as my own. And when it’s time to leave, I want people to get all weepy and tell me how much I meant to them.
Whenever I see Jenny buzzing about, chatting and smiling with the students, I remember exactly how I felt when I first arrived; how very bright-eyed and eager I was, so full of hopes of dreams. I’m pretty sure that part of me is still in there, somewhere. Even if he’s been buried beneath layers of exhaustion and bewilderment, I want to find some means of excavating him. I remember how in love I was with my experience last spring, and I find myself wondering if I can manage to return to that place, to that sensation of being giddy with delight and possibility. I wonder if I can go full circle?
I’ve bled enough since I got here and suffered my share of disappointment and despair. Maybe there’s still a bit more heaviness to be had before I’m finished, but I’ve come to realise that life really is what you make it, and I would like to make mine good again. I remember the commitment I made to myself on the bullet train last month, that I would stop feeling sorry for myself and create the year I want to have. I’m going to honour that commitment, one way or another. And I remember how amazing and supportive Anna-Lisa was during my time at the school, especially during the bad times. I was very lucky to have someone like that in my corner, propping me up when I was ready to collapse. If I can, I want to pay it forward.
But there’s also something else I want to attend to. Earlier today I made myself a pot of green tea and looked at a map of the world on Google. I looked intently at Asia and the many treasures contained therein. My gaze wandered over Shanghai, Taipei, Hong Kong, Myanmar, Bali, Kuala Lumpur. I decided to give myself something nice to think about whenever things start to feel a bit too heavy over the next couple of weeks.
I fire up my email and drop a line to a nice young lady at STA Travel in London. Once my contract is finished, I want to experience something which will enrich my life and give it a joy injection.
I am planning an adventure for myself.
GO BACK TO THE START OF THE JOURNEY
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