The Cultured Vultures Alternative UK Festival 2017 Guide

Going to the same festival every year is a hard habit to break out of, so let us give you some incentive...


There’s no getting away from it – festivals in the UK have a reputation for being a bit grim. Last year Glastonbury, Download, Bestival and Parklife, 4 of our biggest, most well known ones were blighted with rainfall and turned into inhospitable mudslides. I wish I could say that it was an exception to the rule, but every year at least one big festival succumbs to this grizzly fate.

So it goes that while we gingerly scroll through group shots of mackintosh-clad wraiths packed into a sodden big top, trying to figure out which ones are devoid enough of gurning to warrant a Facebook post, our friends abroad have nothing but sunshine and coastline to contend with. Probably still the gurning part, though.

It doesn’t have to be this way. The risk of gloomy weather is an ever-present danger, sure, but the UK has such a widespread festival scene that it’s entirely possible to treat your festival experience like any other British holiday and head somewhere so picturesque that it almost doesn’t matter if the weather turns out shit. And hey, if it does, just drink until you can’t feel feelings anymore and go look for the tent Roni Size is playing in, it’s always there somewhere.

These 11 festivals take full advantage of their surrounding environment to give you something beyond a muscular roster of impressive acts and an array of overpriced food stalls. But, you know, that as well.


The funk and soul weekender

Image Source: Facebook

When? 12th – 15th May

Where? Camber Sands, East Sussex

Who? George Clinton, Hot 8 Brass Band, Gilles Peterson, Submotion Orchestra, Mr Scruff, The Sugarhill Gang, Soul II Soul

One of the earliest marks on the festival calendar, the Funk & Soul Weekender is run by Soundcrash, Rob Waller’s promotional behemoth. During the rest of the year, Soundcrash dominate the London gig scene, and the Weekender behaves almost like a victory lap for them, bringing in all the biggest funk, soul, jazz, disco and dance acts of the moment in a glorious 4-day party on the beautiful south coast. To sweeten the deal, chalet accommodation is included in the ticket price, so you needn’t worry about a tent, or many of the other typical festival amenities. You even get a TV, although lord knows why you’d want one.



Image Source: Skiddle

When? 8th to 11th June

Where? Holyhead, Anglesey

Who? Lenzman, The Black Madonna, Horse Meat Disco, Levelz, Matthew Herbert, Anchorsong

The UK isn’t exactly short of electronic music festivals, but none are quite as picturesque as Gottwood. You get all the same kind of music you’d find in a breathless one-dayer in middle of London or Manchester, but instead of being spat back out into the urban tangle once the music shuts off, you’re in a gorgeous swath of Welsh woodland. The area around Holyhead is a popular holiday destination all through the summer, but imagine getting that same experienced, couple with the chance to see some of the biggest techno, breakbeat, dubstep and drum and bass artists in the game.


Kelburn Garden Party

Image Source: Vimeo

Where? Kelburn Castle, Fairlie

When? 30th June – 3rd July

Who? Mr. Scruff, Mungo’s Hi-Fi & Charlie P, Hot 8 Brass Band, The Mouse Outfit, Om Unit, Addison Groove, Ezra Collective

There should be more festivals in Scotland. With all the beautiful landscape and a vibrant, often overlooked music scene, it seems a shame that when you say the words ‘Scotland’ and ‘Festival’, the atypical assumption is that you forgot to say ‘Fringe’. Or you were talking about T in the Park. The grounds of Kelburn Castle play host to a few different events throughout the year, but the Garden Party is the longest, and funkiest. With lineups primarily dedicated to soul, funk, hip-hop and all other things boogie-inducing. Add in the fact that it also plays host to a litany of local acts, and you’re on to a proven winner.


Blue Dot

Image Source: Getintothis

Where? Jodrell Bank Observatory, Macclesfield

When? 7th to 9th July

Who? Alt-J, Pixies, Orbital, Soulwax, Warpaint, Andrew Weatherall, Ezra Furman, Flamingods, Rival Consoles, Factory Floor, Max Cooper

It amazes me that Blue Dot is the first festival of its kind in the UK. Sitting in the midst of the Manchester University-run Jodrell Bank Observatory, Blue Dot is a festival by stargazers, for stargazers. Live acts play in the observatory grounds pretty frequently, but for one weekend in July, rave vibes preside over the site, alongside live art, talks from heavy hitters like Brian Cox, comedy acts, a restaurant at the end of the universe and much more. Blue Dot is definitely a festival with, ahem, universal appeal.


Beat Herder

Image Source: Punkture Life

When? 14th to 16th July

Where? Ribble Valley, Lancashire

Who? Kelis, Let’s Eat Grandma, Sleaford Mods, Toots and the Maytals, High Contrast, Skream, Shadow Child, Lee Scratch Perry, Jackmaster

You won’t find a single Beat Herder veteran with a bad thing to say about it. Much like forebears The Big Chill, Shambala and Boomtown, this wondrous 12,000-strong party in the Ribble Valley embraces the bizarre and the enthralling. The stages are endlessly inventive, the acts are lovingly selected and there’s no shortage of things to do outside of the actual music.  Oh, and the alcohol is reasonably priced, I’m not sure what else I need to say.



Image Source: Truefest

When? 4th to 6th August

Where? Baskerville Hall, Hay-on-Wye

Who? Lakuta, The Allergies, Lazy Habits, Cut Capers, Jman & Masterstatus, Matuki, Chainska Brassika, They Say Jump

Easily the smallest on this list, we actually attended a few years back, when the festival was still named Troyfest (after founder Simon Troy), and took place far earlier in the year. It’s since had its name tweaked, and moved to August, but it’s lost none of the appeal. Here’s how it works – campers set themselves up in the grounds of the hulking Baskerville Hall, and then they’re set loose inside, where several rooms have been remodelled into stages and dance floors. Truefest is, in essence, a 3-day long house party in a giant mansion near Hay-on-Wye in the shadow of the Brecon Beacons. It has to be seen to be believed.



Image Source: The Rest is Noise

When? 11th to 13th August

Where? Houghton Hall, Norfolk

Who? Nicholas Jaar, Floating Points, Richardo Villalobos (live), Adrian Sherwood, Ben UFO, Seth Troxler, Mr. Scruff, Nightmares on Wax, Craig Richards

The only festival on this list which is totally brand new, Houghton is taking an interesting approach – smashing music, art and culture into one festival, all under the watchful eye of legendary DJ and Fabric mainstay Craig Richards. Set in the grounds of its namesake, Houghton Hall, the festival features an abandoned warehouse, a subterranean bowl and full access to the adjacent sculpture park. Given that the festival is being run by the same people as Gottwood, all of this bodes extremely well. If being a newbie is one of your concerns about seeking out a new festival, consider this one – everyone else will be in the same boat.



When? 10th to 13th August

Where? Temple Valley, Winchester

Who? M.I.A., Cypress Hill, The Blues Brothers, Arrested Development, Black Sun Empire, Skindred, Sublime w/ Rome, The Specials, Ziggy Marley, Reel Big Fish, Sugarhill Gang, Portico Quartet, Swindle

Boomtown might be the ultimate example of an independent festival, but it’s so much more than that. Every year, Lak Mitchell and his team reclaim the site and turn it into a fully operating township, with districts, characters and a narrative which takes on a new form with each subsequent year. The site itself is a stunning mix of rolling hills and serene woodland, and each area has a distinct, and enthralling vibe. Going to Boomtown is like entering a different world. As yet, only one headline act has been announced – The Specials. Check out our review of last year for more information.



Image Source: Shambala

When? 24th to 27th August

Where? Northamptonshire

Who? 65DaysofStatic, Alice Russell, The Friendly Fire Band, Foreign Beggars, Hypnotic Brass Ensemble, Beatbox Collective, Abstract Orchestra, Speech Debelle, Addictive TV

Not to be confused with ‘Shambhala’, which is in Canada, Shambala is one of the UK festival scene’s greatest success stories. It’s been running for well over a decade, but so far succeeded in avoiding the siren calls of expansion and commercialism. The term ‘family festival’ gets tossed around a lot, but Shambala is perhaps the most deserving of it. The stunning lakeside site is perfect mixture of the relaxed and the rawkus, as stages like Kamikaze thump with bass music into the small hours, and various chilled out spots serve tea and soft seating until almost as late.


End of the road

Image Source: End of the Road

When? 31st August to 3rd September

Where? Larmer Tree Gardens, Wiltshire

Who? Father Jon Misty, Mac DeMarco, The Jesus & Mary Chain, Slowdive, Bill Callahan, Band of Horses, Japandroids, Gold Panda, Moses Sumney, Romare

End of the Road has gradually built a reputation as one of the warmest, most welcoming festivals on the calendar. There’s another key element to it though – booking a range of such weird and wonderful acts that walking from one end of the site to the other is like barrelling through the shuffled Spotify playlist of your most eclectically tasted friend, made flesh. You won’t leave End of the Road without discovering something new unless you spend the entire weekend with your ears plugged, and even if you did that you’d have plenty of woodland scenery to appreciate.


Festival Number 6

Image Source: iGap

When? 7th to 10th September

Where? Portmeirion, Gwynedd

Who? Mogwai, Bloc Party, The Cinematic Orchestra, Rag N’ Bone Man, Wild Beasts, Laura Mvula, Kate Tempest, Goldie, The Flaming Lips, Joy Orbison, Royal Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra & The Bootleg Beatles

Whoever had the bright idea to host a music festival in Portmeirion deserves a goddamn medal. For those who don’t know, Portmeirion is a strange, beautiful town in North Wales which was designed to resemble an Italian village. It’s a weird, wonderful place, and was famously used as the set for The Prisoner. Now, every September, it plays host to a huge roster of bands, comedians, poets and speakers in a massive cultural supernova. Number 6 is one of those festivals which leaves you utterly spoiled for choice, as acts of all shapes and sizes are spread far and wide across weird and wonderful stages all weekend long. You’ll inevitably miss things, but you’ll discover many more.


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