WWE Fastlane 2017 Review: Good Wrestling, Bad Booking

Hi there! My name is Jacob and I have been given the enviable task of reviewing the latest WWE Pay-Per-View, Fastlane, for the good folks on this here website. Well, I say WWE Pay-Per-View, some of it felt like it should have belonged on Raw and the ending could have come straight from a WCW show in 1999. Nevertheless, we have ten matches to get through (only 8 of which were advertised) and lots and lots of, umm, “interesting” points to mull over, so we’d best get on with it, I guess. Oh, before we begin, i should go over how my little match ranking scale works. I’ll be marking the matches on five different categories (each one being out of five) and then calculating an average at the end. The categories are:

Hype Factor – How much hype surrounded this match and whether or not it lived up to said hype.

Big Moments – Memorable spots, scenes or moves from any of the matches, good or bad.

Wrestling Ability – The actual wrestling stuff; technicality, fluidity, selling, story-telling etc.

Story Progression – How the matches began, moved along or ended a running storyline based on moments throughout the match and the end result.

Emotional Investment – How much I personally cared about this match and how that affected my overall enjoyment of said match.

All clear? Well, to quote the great Triple H, “I. Am. Readyyyyyyy… to review Fastlane 2017”. I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what he used to say. Here we go.

 

The Pre-Show Panel

Not much to say here except Renee Young is as invited and energetic as ever. I didn’t know who Peter Rosenburg was and Booker T was wearing a scarf with a suit. Indoors. Insanity. I skipped most of this because I don’t hate myself enough to watch the pre-show. I did, however, catch the match. Which was…

 

Akira Tozawa and Rich Swann vs The Brian Kendrick and Noam Dar (with Alicia Fox)

This one was fun for someone who doesn’t watch 205 Live.

Isn’t it crazy how we can have two former Cruiserweight Champions in a match, considering the belt was introduced less than six months ago? But there you go. This match was fine; Tozawa was chasing Kendrick after he continued to beat him down on Raw over the past few weeks, and I think Swann and Dar have beef, but like I said, don’t watch 205 Live. And you can’t make me.

I was surprised to see Kendrick get a fairly warm reception here and even more surprised to hear actual fan noise in response to Akira Tozawa, whose “ha!” is literally the best thing ever. Austin Aries was a delight on commentary (as always) and the in ring stuff was good, bar a sloppy double suplex from Dar and Kendrick. My slight gripe with the finish of this match was that it was Swann who pinned Dar to get the victory, when, to me, Tozawa and Kendrick had the hotter feud. Are WWE saving this match for another Pay-Per-View? Well, the next one is WrestleMania, so probably not. Anyway, this was a nice little opener and I think the fans are warming to the Cruiserweights now, but we are far, far removed from the glory days of the CWC. Ah, take me back.

Hype Factor – 2/5
Big Moments – 2.5/5
Wrestling Ability – 2.5/5
Story Progression – 2/5
Emotional Investment – 1.5/5
Overall – 2.1/5

 

The Main Show

Hey, did you guys know we’re on the road to WrestleMania? Because I sure didn’t! maybe WWE should tell us that more often.

 

Sami Zayn vs Samoa Joe

I was really looking forward to this match. Zayn and Joe are both amazing workers and their 2-out-of-3 falls match on NXT around this time last year was out of this world. Zayn and Joe’s story on Raw has been a good one, with Joe originally attacking Zayn verbally in an interview with Michael Cole before things, as they often do, turned physically. Hence the reason for this match. Oh, and Seth Rollins got hurt. That’s probably the larger reason.

The match was a little slow for me; Joe didn’t look like he was at his best and Zayn didn’t really get much of his fast paced offense in to quicken things up. The stiffness of Joe’s punches and kicks were great, as per, and Zayn sold like a champ, but this didn’t really feel like an opener to me. Zayn not tapping to the Coquina Clutch (AKA, the hardest finisher to spell, ever) is in keeping with his character and Joe needed the win, but these two are capable of better, so I was left a little flat here. Just don’t tell Samoa Joe that, or he’ll end me.

Hype Factor – 2.5/5
Big Moments – 2/5
Wrestling Ability – 3/5
Story Progression – 3/5
Emotional Investment – 2/5
Overall rating – 2.5/5

 

Backstage Interview – Bayley

Raw Women’s Champ Bayley done did an interview and Nia Jax interrupted her. This was nice to see; Jax beat Bayley not long ago, so she has every right to stake a claim at the Women’s title. However, going by what happens later on in this show, that stake is about as valid as my 14-year-old brother’s ID. Or, in fact, my 14-year-old brother. I made him up for that joke, sorry.

 

Enzo and Cass vs The Club

Are they called The Club anymore? Ah, who cares, it’s my review and I’ll do what I want. Just try and stop me.

This match was an interesting one for me. Two teams, both of whom took far too long to get to this stage facing off in a match both teams could conceivably win. Furthermore, I’d forgotten that these two have actually feuded before – I was reminded when Enzo called them “Big Gal and Andy” and got horrible flashbacks to those Halloween costumes – and that they’ve fought before at Hell in a Cell last year. Where was all this in the build-up? Probably the same place as Anderson and Gallows push.

I loved this match; it was really energetic, really fast paced and both teams are amazing in the ring. Enzo Amore is a ball of energy and, if he writes his own promos, he is a genius. Furthermore, he sells like a hero, flopping and flipping all around the ring for Gallows and Anderson’s moves, particularly when Anderson cut Enzo off with a vicious dropkick mid-dive. That looked sore. Cass is the best hot tag wrestler in the world and his and Enzo’s double-teaming is a joy to watch, really taking advantage of the whole “big man, little man” pairing. The match ends when Anderson hits the knee strike on Enzo and Gallows pushes his foot off the ropes from the outside, which was innovative, even if his foot was on there for a good two seconds and the ref totally had time to notice it. Big Gal and Andy retain and I’m interested to see where they’ll go from here. Hopefully, it’s back to Japan, where they’ll be used properly.

Hype Factor – 3/5
Big Moments – 3/5
Wrestling Ability – 3/5
Story Progression – 3/5
Emotional Investment – 3.5/5
Overall – 3.1/5

 

Backstage – Mick and Stephanie on the phone

Nice to see that Stephanie McMahon can still ruin a show even when she’s not actually on it. After burying some plane mechanics, Steph talks to Mick about Samoa Joe, whom Mick says should be prevented from interfering in the main event. Then the phone gets cut off, Mick leaves and I am very confused. Also, can you get the WWE Network on your phone? Because if not, Steph was clearly watching Fastlane through some dodgy website. Shame on you, Stephanie.

 

Nia Jax vs Sasha Banks

Hey, look, it’s half the women on Raw! If only I was joking.

These two have fought before (countless times) so there isn’t really much to say about the build-up to this match. Sasha’s little, Nia’s big, oh no, however will she survive. Yadda yadda yadda. What is interesting, though, is the involvement these two women have had in the title scene, which leads me to believe both Sasha and Nia will have a pretty important match come WrestleMania. Hopefully it’s not them two fighting again.

Nia is an absolute beast, picking Sasha up and flinging her around like she was an old mattress you had to get rid of. Not in any way insinuating Sasha Banks is like a smelly old mattress. She is wonderful, and I love her. Call me. Whilst the match itself was passable, the commentary team made a few errors (surprise surprise!). Cole called a defeat to Bayley the “one blemish” on Nia Jax’s career, even though she tapped out to Becky Lynch at Survivor Series. And Byron noted that Sasha Banks became Women’s Champion the same night Nia debuted, which might have been why Nia was so angry at Sasha; she stole her thunder. This is a good point, but Byron Saxton made it, so that’s irrelevant.

There was some great back and forth between the two ladies and Sasha continuously went for a sleeper hold and the match ended when Sasha rolled Nia up (Hardy Boy style, return confirmed!) and got the pin. Interestingly, it’s come to light that this ending was not the original plan and that Sasha was meant to grab the ropes for the win to show her transition into a heel. But, in the grand scheme of things regarding this show, this was a light blunder. The real BS is coming up right after this.

Hype Factor – 2.5/5
Big Moments – 2.5/5
Wrestling Ability – 2.5/5
Story Progression – 2/5
Emotional Investment – 2/5
Overall – 2.3/5

 

Cesaro vs Jinder Mahal

Holy crap, who did I murder to deserve this?

So, before this 16 minutes of nonsense, it was revealed that, on the pre-show I didn’t watch, Rusev and Jinder Mahal were angry at each other and angry about not getting a match on the show. To appease them and to punish everyone in the crowd that night, Mick Foley promised them two singles matches that night and the two would decide amongst themselves who would fight who. Mahal beat up Rusev to claim the first match, which was against Cesaro (whose tag team entrance with Sheamus is awesome, by the way). Now I have to review this. Lord help me.

In a match that was actually ok (mostly due to Cesaro), Mahal put in a decent showing, despite looking like he was going to burst at the seams. Also, there was a fun sign in the crowd that said “Jinder=Champion”. Funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Cesaro sold the hell out of his back and this allowed Mahal to gain the upper hand, which at least kept the match interesting. The announce team made several interesting comments, including saying “this feels like WrestleMania” during a Jinder Mahal match and calling Cesaro “one of the top singles performers” on Raw. Yeah, tell creative that. Rusev popped up from his nap to distract Jinder, allowing Cesaro to hit the pop-up uppercut for the win. Because he wasn’t going to waste his real finisher on Jinder Mahal, come on. Weird match saved by Cesaro and his crazy one-armed suplex. Still trying to work out who I murdered.

Hype Factor – 0/5
Big Moments – 3/5
Wrestling Ability – 3/5
Story Progression – 1/5
Emotional Investment – 0/5
Overall – 1.4/5

 

Big Show vs Rusev

Why didn’t Rusev just fight Sheamus? He was right there and needs a payday too. Weird.
I like Big Show for some weird reason, so I popped when he came out, but this was the end of my happiness. The Giant and Handsome Rusev did the best they could, but I was just so upset with Rusev’s position and how far the former monster has fallen, I didn’t enjoy this one at all.

Rusev did a good chop block, his running superkick is brilliant and no one does crazy eyes better, but even he wasn’t to be spared from these terrible matches that felt like those ones on WWE 2k17. You know, when you’re playing Universe Mode and it simulated the first two matches on the show because they’re not in a rivalry. The finish saw Rusev get “KO punched” whilst slumped in a corner, which was just the dumbest thing ever. I think Rusev could have benefited from a win here, clearly setting him apart from his partner, but it’s obvious WWE put no time into these matches. I guess that’s what happens when you book a main event that only goes 22 seconds. Whoops, spoilers.

Hype Factor – 0/5
Big Moments – 1.5/5
Wrestling Ability – 2/5
Story Progression – 0.5/5
Emotional Investment – 0/5
Overall – 0.8/5

 

Backstage Interview – Kevin Owens

KO has reached his final form of corporate douchebag, completing his usual suit with a tie! He delivered an excellent promo detailed how Goldberg had only beaten one person in the last 12 years, whereas he’d taken on all comers and won. Owens is an incredible talker and really knows how to sell the cold, calculating heel gimmick. Dare I say it; the next Triple H? Wonder who he’ll marry.

 

Neville vs Jack Gallagher

I have never been more proud to be British.

“Gentleman” Jack Gallagher (which is pronounced “Galla-gerr”, not “Gall-herr”, by the way. You will never hear an English person say it like WWE say it, never) won a five-way match a few weeks prior to secure his shot. Jack has quickly built up a devoted following thanks to his charming character, quirky props and general loveliness. And before you ask, no, not all British people are like that. I wish I could grow that moustache.

Heel Neville is amazing and really asserted himself in this bout. His athleticism, power and agility are insane and it’s amazing how this guy was only able to get a push as a Cruiserweight. Jack was over like gangbusters too; the crowd went crazy for his corner headstand and flipped their lids when he did a suicide dive. The one spot in this match everyone will be talking about, however, is that German suplex. You know, the one where Neville planted Gallagher firmly on the top of his head after he rebounded off the ropes. It looked disgusting and I genuinely thought they might have to end the match there. When Jack kicked out of the Phoenix Splash, I was shocked. Mainly that he was still alive.

The match ended in a great way when Neville threw Gallagher off the top rope and hit the Red Arrow for the pin. Despite being a crowd-popping move, the announcers sold the Red Arrow as being Neville’s last resort to bear Gallagher, which I loved. The best cruiserweight match since the CWC, hands down. Let’s hope this is the norm from now on.

Hype Factor – 2.5/5
Big Moments – 3.5/5
Wrestling Ability – 3.5/5
Story Progression – 3/5
Emotional Investment – 3/5
Overall – 3.1/5

 

Backstage Interview – Paul Heyman

Paul Heyman is great. Nuff said.

 

The New Day segment

What in the blue hell was this? Kofi, Big E and Xavier come down to the ring with an ice cream cart (because that’s what you do with your longest reigning tag team champions ever, I guess) trying to sell their latest merchandise. Is their gimmick now just that they sell loads of merch? I guess it’s not a lie; it’s why they were champs for so long. Ooooh, that’ll get people angry. Big E looked, sounded and probably was high the whole time as he made nonsensical references, looked spaced out and made out with the ice cream cart. No, seriously, like full on macking on this thing. It was horrible. It didn’t lead to a match, it didn’t further a storyline and it shows just how badly WWE have dropped the ball with what was the hottest act in the company. It’s truly saddening.

 

Roman Reigns vs Braun Strowman

If you’d have told me just six months ago this would be a match of the night contender, I’d have laughed directly into your face. Just look at me now.

This match had been building for some time – going right back to Strowman’s debut in 2015 – but came to be after Strowman cost Reigns the Universal Championship at Royal Rumble by interfering in a no DQ match against Kevin Owens. Reigns and Strowman came to blows numerous times over the course of the weeks leading up to Fastlane and there was plenty of speculation as to how this one would end. Would Strowman destroy Reigns? Would Reigns snap and turn heel? Would The Undertaker get involved? Well, actually, no. None of this happened. Was still fun, though.

Roman Reigns, who was wearing sneakers and lounge pants for some reason, took some pretty nasty looking bumps in this match. Strowman through him around the ring, hit his old finisher, the Yokozuka Cutter (yeah, I know what it’s called), and delivered an incredible Running Powerslam through the announce table after catching Reigns mid-spear. I popped hard for that. Strowman looked great and Roman was a perfect running partner for him here; I got a real old school, Hulk Hogan kinda vibe from this match. So i guess the ending of the match shouldn’t have surprised me, then.

After attempting a top rope splash (yes, you did read that correctly), Strowman took his second Spear of the night and ate his first ever pinfall loss. You know it’s bad when your heel gets more sympathy than your babyface; I was genuinely upset that Strowman was beaten here and I can only imagine how this is going to affect Reigns over the coming weeks. A great match hampered by poor booking and, well, Roman Reigns, this was still one of the most fun to watch matches of the evening. Poor Strowman. I just wanna give him a cuddle.

Hype Factor – 3.5/5
Big Moments – 4/5
Wrestling Ability – 3/5
Story Progression – 2.5/5
Emotional Investment – 3/5
Overall – 3.2/5

 

Backstage – Mick and Joe

Isn’t it nice Samoa Joe got changed back into his suit after his match? Mick confronts Joe and tells him not to get involved in the main event… for no real reason. Joe is loyal to Triple H, not Kevin Owens, and hasn’t expressed any interest in helping KO over the past few weeks. Mick was probably just bored and looking for stuff to do. Maybe it was him that gave that funny stuff to Big E! You little troublemaker, Mick.

 

Bayley vs Charlotte

So, we all knew how this match was going to go, right? Right?

Bayley won her first Women’s title on Raw a few weeks ago, after getting an assist from Sasha, who attacked Charlotte with a crutch. Right in the boob. I imagine that hurts. After refusing to give up the belt, Bayley accepted Charlotte’s challenge for a rematch at Fastlane. Charlotte was wagering her PPV streak against Bayley’s title and the crowd were fully expecting another Charlotte title win. Well, shame on them.

The match was good, with a nice technical opening between the two talented wrestlers. Bayley did mess up her Tree of Woe elbow drops and the referee got in the way at one point, but it was pretty solid wrestling throughout. Charlotte is a natural heel (can Flairs actually be faces?) and the crowd genuinely hate her (which is really rare to see these days), which she played up to 11 all night. It was wonderful.

Once again, Sasha Banks came down to interfere (which somehow didn’t cause a DQ), allowing Bayley to hit a Bayley-to-Belly on the outside. Charlotte almost won with a handful of tights, but Sasha snitched on her to the ref and Bayley got the win after another Bayley-to-Belly, ending the Queen’s undefeated run on Pay-Per-View. That’s two undefeated streaks that have come to an end less than a month before WrestleMania. Solid booking there, WWE, solid. The match was fine, if a little overbooked, but we’ve come to expect that from these women. Let’s hope the Mania match is little less confusing.

Hype Factor – 2.5/5
Big Moments – 3/5
Wrestling Ability – 3.5/5
Story Progression – 2.5/5
Emotional Investment – 3/5
Overall – 2.9/5

 

Goldberg vs Kevin Owens

Oh boy. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I am gonna get some flak for this.

So, the match we’ve all been waiting for. Goldberg, hot off his return at Survivor Series last year, destruction of Brock Lesnar and strong showing in the Royal Rumble, was made number one contender to Kevin Owens’ Universal Championship at Fastlane. In the middle of all of this was Kevin Owens’ cruel betrayal of former BFF, Chris Jericho, smashing his head into a TV screen during their ill-fated “Festival of Friendship” and writing him off TV for two weeks. Goldberg had Brock Lesnar to contend with, so there was a strong possibility both men could have the match ruined for them by their rivals. It might sound crazy, but Kevin Owens vs Goldberg in 2017 had me hyped.

Before we get into the match, I saw my favourite sign ever – “Goldberg ate a bowl of nails for breakfast… without any milk”. Wrestling and SpongeBob, two of my favourite things in perfect harmony. Anyway, Owens was the perfect heel during this match; refusing to get into the ring and begin the match, hopping in and out of the ropes to really build the tension. I was genuinely on the edge of my seat waiting for him to get back in the ring.

When he finally decided to get on with it, whose music should hit, but Y2J’s. Jericho made his way to the top of the ramp as the bell rang and Goldberg pounced. Spear, Jackhammer, pin, 1, 2, 3. Goldberg, at 50 years of age, is your new Universal Champion. What, the, hell? Lesnar is taking on Goldberg at Mania for the Universal title, Jericho and Owens should have one hell of a match at The Show of Shows and I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I’m taking five, guys. I need a lie down.

Hype Factor – 3.5/5
Big Moments – 3/5
Wrestling Ability – 1/5
Story Progression – 4/5
Emotional Investment – 4.5/5
Overall – 3.2/5

So, that’s the end of the review. The numbers dictate that Roman vs Strowman and Goldberg vs Owens (all 22 seconds of it) were matches of the night and the worst match of the evening was Big Show vs Rusev. Overall, the total match scores make an average of 2.46/5, but the show was let down by nonsensical matchmaking, that awful New Day segment and bonkers booking that ruined some potentially huge WrestleMania moments.

I think a 2/5 rating would best suit this show, which is a shame, because it had some pretty good matches on it and broke a record – shortest scheduled main event in WWE history. Sadly, for me at least, this Fastlane felt slow and boring. Let’s hope that, like all long car journeys, the Road to WrestleMania feels a lot better when we actually get there.