Hansel comes home to find Gretel has become a witch in this incoherent fairy-tale based horror film.
After a guy enters Gretel’s coffeeshop after-hours to get one of her freshly-baked and somewhat-important-to-the-plot Soylent pies, someone dressed in a hood curb stomps him. Heat-packing Hansel appears and ties up a cheerleader who happens to have an odd skin condition, and he shoots her in the chest. The next morning, the camera crew is reflected in the side of a van. Gretel pulls out one of her own teeth, then a witch licks a doorknob. Hansel and Gretel stumble upon a skinned, twitching rabbit in a bloody bathtub, and I’m not entirely sure why.
Suddenly, a gunfight breaks out between Hansel and a female hobo, and then Gretel gets her face licked. Witches ravenously eat more of Gretel’s Soylent pies with their bare hands, and then Hansel punches a witch’s head off while Gretel eats the blood when he’s not looking like she’s sneaking a brownie from Jenny Craig. While Hansel is in an inexplicable cloud of witch sexiness, he stabs one of the witches in the eye, and then Gretel sucks the blood from the witch’s eye socket like it’s a Slurpee. Gretel tries to put the sexy witch move on their friend Jacob, but when he tells her he’s gay she rips his skin off.
OK, you’re probably asking yourself, “Hey, when do we get some awesome fairy-tale-related breadcrumb action in this movie?”
I’m glad you asked. You don’t.
Well, let me rephrase that. Hansel goes over to his female friend’s house who seemed like she was kind of involved with Jacob, but since he’s gay and dead, I guess she wasn’t. She liked Hansel, but he never asked her out on a date because he’s been distracted killing witches, and it’s really boring, brief, and sort of confusing. Anyway, someone left a package on her doorstep with a note, and it turns out to be a clue and Jacob’s eyeballs. They kind of figure out they have to go to some other place where Jacob’s sex organs are dangling from a street sign, and then they get another clue and find Jacob’s ears. So, there’s breadcrumbs in a way, only they’re testicles.
Gretel rips her own grandma’s head off for some reason, and after a costume change, everyone heads over to the pet cemetery because why not. Gretel resurrects a witch zombie, a completely different witch appears for some reason, and this witch rips off the witch zombie’s skin and bursts into flame. Which witch? I don’t remember, but I don’t think it was important.
Suddenly, there’s an epic battle between Hansel and Gretel, and by “epic” I mean “tedious” and by “battle” I mean “they wrestle a bit and point at each other”. I suppose because of the fiery skinless zombie witches and sibling rivalry the police unconvincingly arrive somehow and the movie ends.
Hansel Vs. Gretel is pretty terrible. It’s strikingly similar to an Alyssa Milano-free, charm-free Charmed where people awkwardly licks things, if that sort of thing is possible, and I really hope it isn’t.
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