Venture into any lobby across any FPS on any console and you’ll always meet the same people.
From the casual gamer to the hardcore “my life depends on it” kind of lunatic, there are the same six kinds of guys and girls who you have to endure and enjoy during online gaming.
1. The “Newbcomer”
As welcome as a cow buffet at vegetarian salad party, these gamers have a tendency to have a very annoying K/D ratio. Slow to react and likely to grenade everything in panic, feel free to try and help them if you’re being a bit of a philanthropist.
NOTABLE EXCEPTION: seasoned FPS players who are playing this particular game for the first time. Treat Rank 1’s with due discretion.
2. The “Glory or Nothing”
One of the most volatile players to have in your team, these guys can go from acts of sheer awesome (headbutting someone with a mortar shell) to wandering into a whole enclave of enemies and getting shot in the arm, face and leg 20 times. K/D is usually just a couple of points below even for these gamers.
NOTABLE EXCEPTION: once in awhile, the Glory or Nothing type can pull off something completely heroic by sheer madness at the start of the match before dying 10 times without kills by the end.
3. The “Silent Dominator”
Truly the one player who can make you feel like you need to join his religion, they turn up, shoot everything and then disappear. Feel safe in that bush after he’s killed you seven times in a row? That sniper bullet in your head from 10000 yards will change that.
NOTABLE EXCEPTION: the unredeemable asshole who just glitchfucks the game and stays in a part of the map and racks up kills.
4. The “DJ”
These players are more annoying than pretty much anything in life as they blare out tinny Mexican J-Pop nonsense for the whole round. Typically not even good at the game, they are there just there to practice their future career on community radio.
NOTABLE EXCEPTION: when they play something ironic, like J-Kwon’s “Tipsy” or Mr. Blobby beats. Everyone likes that shit.
5. The “Fuck all o’ Y’all”
Running around like dickless chickens, these gamers truly defy what it means to be a human being.
Jumping up in the air, picking you off from across the map (with a pistol) and then throwing teabagging you in spirit are just a few of the classics that these bastards will get up to. After a death streak of 10 by their hands, your desire to throw your console into the sky will be complete after they shoot you with a grenade launcher from two metres away. Fuck sake.
NOTABLE EXCEPTION: if they’re on your team. Then they’re someone else’s problem.
6. The “Topher Grace”
The kind of players that starts a round with a string of unbelievable, disgusting kills before quickly fading into nothingness, much like the career of one Topher Grace.
They will usually end up with a negative K/D despite setting off with the kind of form that will leave the UN worried. This kind of player will usually tell all their friends about how good they were before failing to admit that they became Topher Grace before the match ended. Never become Topher Grace.
NOTABLE EXCEPTION: if you actually are Topher Grace, in which case, I’m sorry this happened to you.
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