We eat your words

Survivor Series 2016 Card and Predictions

Q: Will Survivor Series suck?

A: Well, let’s take a look at what’s going on in WWE right now.


Things aren’t too great for them at the moment, their focus on good wrestling is attracting hardcore wrestling fans but it’s putting off casual wrestling fans who prefer characters. Moneywise, the WWE Network is where most of their money comes in if not all of it, but things like increased pay for wrestlers and lawsuits over concussions deal a major blow to them.

But what about Survivor Series? On an episode of Smackdown, Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan challenged RAW to three traditional Survivor Series matches: one for men, one for women and one for tag teams, and on the following RAW, Stephanie McMahon accepted. On the final RAW before the PPV the two teams had a big fight. In the meantime, the slots for the other two teams were filled through matches, the winners getting a place in their respective match.


But the big story going into Survivor Series is the return of Bill Goldberg as he steps back in a WWE ring for the first time in over ten years to take on Brock Lesnar. Lesnar returned in 2012 but Goldberg had no intention to ever come back, but he’s back thanks to 2K, the people behind the recent WWE games. Goldberg and Lesnar teased a rivalry in August with Goldberg challenging Brock and saying he’d like to fight him again as well as the two trading insults over social media. Goldberg officially returned to WWE in October, accepting Brock Lesnar’s challenge from a week earlier, and that leads up to this show, Survivor Series.

Brian Kendrick (c) vs Kalisto – Cruiserweight Championship

Brian Kendrick Kalisto

You may have noticed that both men are on separate rosters. Cruiserweight champion Kendrick is with RAW while Kalisto is with Smackdown. Well, if Kalisto wins, the belt goes with him to Smackdown. This should be a cool match, the cruiserweights have good matches, so there’s nothing wrong there.

PREDICTION: This is a tough one, either the Cruiserweight Title and Intercontinental will swap brands or they’ll stay where they are, I can’t see RAW getting both belts or vice versa. But I think Kendrick will retain so he can continue his feud with TJ Perkins.


The Miz (c) vs Sami Zayn – Intercontinental Championship

The Miz Sami Zayn

Oh boy! First of all, Smackdown’s Dolph Ziggler was scheduled to fight RAW’s Sami Zayn, similar to the Cruiserweight Title match. But just the other day Dolph Ziggler loses the belt back to The Miz on TV. Dolph’s gimmick as that he always lost, he was the underdog when he finally beat The Miz to win the Intercontinental Title, finally he’s won something, finally he’s broken his string of bad luck… then he lost the belt before he even had the chance to defend it on PPV.

I have nothing against Dolph, I like Dolph, but giving the belt to people like him and Zack Ryder devalue the belt, it makes the belt look like a fucking joke! Dolph looks like a jobber who only got the belt because for some reason they decided to add the stipulation that Dolph would leave WWE if he lost his match with Miz.

But then we have Sami Zayn. Zayn is one of the most talented individuals in WWE right now, but he’s hardly done anything since being drafted to RAW. At Battleground, he won and ended a big feud with Kevin Owens. That’s right, current Universal Champion Kevin Owens lost to Sami Zayn and went on to become the biggest star on the RAW brand. But after beating Owens in this big feud ending match, Zayn was pushed down the card to the pre-show. At Clash of Champions, he lost to Jericho, and he wasn’t booked at Hell in a Cell, so he’s really suffered since the brand split.

Normally, I’d say Sami would make a good IC champion, but right now Sami’s not doing too well, and quite frankly neither is the belt itself, and while I’m sure it’s going to be a good match, I can honestly say I couldn’t give a single shit, never mind two of ’em.

PREDICTION: The Miz will retain so he can continue his thing with Daniel Bryan and maybe they’ll have a match at Wrestlemania.


Charlotte, Sasha Banks, Nia Jax, Alicia Fox & Bayley vs Becky Lynch, Nikki Bella, Carmella, Alexa Bliss & Naomi

Team Raw Women v Smackdown

Representing Raw, we have Women’s Champion Charlotte, who will team up with Sasha Banks, Nia Jax, Alicia Fox and Bayley to take on Smackdown Women’s Champion Becky Lynch, Nikki Bella, Carmella, Alexa Bliss and Naomi. Now that’s a pretty good line-up and it’s good to see WWE’s women’s division mean so much, but the problem I have is it’s people who are feuding teaming up.

Charlotte has been feuding with Sasha since the beginning of the brand split, winning the Women’s Title from her twice before losing it back to her, while Nia Jax has been feuding with Alicia Fox on RAW and PPV pre-shows, as for Bayley she’s been fighting Dana Brooke. Meanwhile on Smackdown Becky has been feuding with Alexa Bliss but they’ve yet to fight on PPV as Becky was injured when they were supposed to fight and instead Bliss lost to Naomi, and elsewhere Nikki Bella has been feuding with Carmella.

PREDICTION: As for who wins I have no idea and nor do I care – there is nothing on the line in this match, but for argument’s sake, let’s say Team Smackdown will win because I like Becky Lynch.


Kevin Owens, Chris Jericho, Seth Rollins, Roman Reigns & Braun Strowman vs AJ Styles, Dean Ambrose, Randy Orton, Bray Wyatt & Shane McMahon

Team Raw men v team smackdown

The men’s match has World Champion Kevin Owens teaming up with Chris Jericho, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns after all four have been feuding on TV, and on the Smackdown team, World Champion AJ Styles teams up with Dean Ambrose, who he’s been feuding with since winning the belt from him at Backlash, Randy Orton and Bray Wyatt, who have also been feuding since Backlash. There’s also Braun Strowman on the RAW team and Shane McMahon on the Smackdown team, so I’m guessing they’re the jobbers of the show. The same goes for the tag team match, but I’ll get onto that.

So that’s three matches out of six that have the same story: people forcing to team up with their rivals to take on the opposite brand. So either everyone’s going to walk out on their teammates because they hate them, and ergo build up their feuds, or they’ll completely ignore them and have a regular Survivor Series match, in which case they’re shitting on their own rivalries. But the worst offender in these Survivor Series matches is the tag team match.

PREDICTION: Team Raw will win, James Ellsworth will turn heel and side with AJ Styles against Dean Ambrose. Why? Because Ellsworth is starting to get boring and his involvement in this feud is quite frankly pointless unless he does something big.


The New Day, Sheamus & Cesaro, Enzo & Big Cass, The Club & The Shooting Stars vs Heath Slater & Rhyno, The Hype Bros, American Alpha, The Usos & Breezango

Survivor series 2016

Raw Champions The New Day teams up with Sheamus & Cesaro, Enzo & Big Cass, The Club and The Shooting Stars to take on Smackdown Champions Heath Slater & Rhyno and their team of The Hype Bros, American Alpha, The Usos and Breezango. New Day defended their titles against Sheamus and Cesaro at Hell in a Cell while Enzo & Big Cass lost to The Club at the same show. Meanwhile, nothing much has been going on on Smackdown in regards to tag teams, which has led to them bringing back The Headbangers and Spirit Squad, but Heath & Rhyno did defend their titles against The Usos at No Mercy, but this isn’t what bothers me. What bothers me is it’s a 10 team, or 20 man tag match. That’s right, twenty.

WWE did this almost 30 years ago at the first two Survivor Series PPVs and it sucked a bunch of dicks, so why do they expect it not to now? The problem is there’s too many people on the apron so you can’t see what’s going on in the ring, not like there’s much going on anyway, there’s too many people to do any memorable spots and everyone just ends up coming in, hitting a few punches, and then tagging back out.

The New Day are, sadly, getting boring, and they should have lost the belts to The Club, because now The Club have little going for them, although them beating Enzo & Cass was a step in the right direction. I have little time for Sheamus & Cesaro, so fuck them, and no one cares about The Shooting Stars. Then you’ve got The Golden Truth, and again, no one cares. On Smackdown, we have Rhyno & Heath Slater, and I hate tag teams that have just been put together with nothing in common, but I will admit WWE were never going to do anything else with Slater after he became so popular. I like The Hype Bros but Mojo Rawley is awful, I’ve always liked American Alpha and I’ve liked The Usos since they turned heel, but I have little time for Breezango.

Elsewhere, you have The Ascension, who have done nothing of note since their stable with Stardust, The Spirit Squad who I like but there’s little point to them being there, The Vaudevillians who also have done nothing of note, and The Wyatt Family but I don’t think they’ve done much as a team, also The Headbangers have made a couple of appearances but they’re not signed so they don’t count.


Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg

Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg

This is being billed as Fantasy Warfare or some shit like that, but unlike WWE, my fantasy isn’t to relive their terrible match from Wrestlemania XX. The real reason this match is happening is to sell WWE 2K17 which features Brock on the cover and includes Goldberg as a pre-order bonus.

They say those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it, or something along those lines, and it seems a lot of people are expecting it to suck, but let’s take a look at this match.

Their last match sucked for many reasons. First of all, it’s two guys who don’t care much for wrestling having a match together, secondly, they were both leaving and didn’t want to do anything to injure themselves, and thirdly, as a result of them leaving, the fans shat all over the match.

But that was a long time ago now, both men have changed. Brock Lesnar has become a monster, beating the absolute shit out of people, ending Undertaker’s streak, winning the World Title and, more recently, busting Randy Orton open. He and Goldberg could well just beat the shit out of each other, after all it’s not like Brock is leaving for the NFL again. But in saying that, Goldberg hasn’t wrestled since 2004.

He returned to wrestling at some Legends of Wrestling shows, but I don’t recall him wrestling at either one, he just did his signature moves and that was it, and besides he was always a poor worker at best. So what’s going to happen? Goldberg can’t sell for most of the match because his selling was always bad and he’s been out of the ring for so long, and he can’t batter Brock throughout the match because he only has two moves.

PREDICTION: Brock will get his win back. I doubt Goldberg, a man who hasn’t wrestled in over ten years and probably won’t be making many more WWE appearances, will beat the Beast. This match will suck, but hopefully I’m wrong about that.

But will Survivor Series suck as a PPV? Well, that’s hard to say. I’m not expecting anything from Lesnar vs Goldberg, or from any of the Survivor Series matches for that matter. They’re never that great anyway, especially this many of them. But I do expect good things from the two title matches, Brian Kendrick vs Kalisto and The Miz vs Sami Zayn. So will it suck? Probably not, but I don’t expect it’ll be very good either.