Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past week or so, you’ll have no doubt heard about the plot to storm Area 51 in September, as, like the plan says: “they can’t stop all of us”. At the time of writing, the original Facebook event has over a million attendees, which would make any potential storming look like a scene out of World War Z.
Copycats events have also spawned, imploring attendees to Storm the UK Parliament, loot the bodies of those who stormed Area 51 and to storm the Federal Reserve while the US Government is busy dealing with the ruckus outside of the Nevada base. To be honest, you know you’ve done well when the Feds themselves have to issue a statement attempting to dissuade would-be ransackers from attacking a military base that “trains American armed forces”. Yeah, and the rest. We know you’ve got little green men locked up underground.
The plot to storm Area 51 itself, according to one post on the official Facebook event, is basically one step above Zapp Brannigan’s idea of sending wave upon wave of your own men at the problem. Divisions and battalions are to be established based on different groups or ideologies, but for someone who intends on doing their bit for the Storm Area 51 cause, it might be confusing trying to find where you belong.
With that in mind, we’ve prepared a short questionnaire that’ll assess your personality and should help navigate you to your assigned role, once the siege begins. It’s like the Sorting Hat, if that hat told you how you were going to help the world see some cool alien technology. Yes, I know that’s a strained comparison. Anyway, time for the questionnaire.
Question 1: Nice simple starter question: favourite colour?
A. Monster Energy Drink Green.
B. Angry Entitlement Red.
C. Whatever Colour Sasuke Wears.
D. Literally anything else.
Question 2: You’re going on a date. Where do you go?
A. Anywhere sponsored by Monster Energy drink.
B. “So long as you’re paying for everything, I don’t care.”
C. An anime convention, but like, the kind filled with body pillows and such. You know what I’m on about.
D. Dinner and a movie, or maybe bowling. Something fun, either way.
Question 3: The date doesn’t go well for whatever reason. What do you do?
A. Punch drywall.
B. Blame the other person, demand to see the manager.
C. Wonder if a strict viewing diet of hardcore hentai was the best preparation for a romantic evening.
D. Just be respectful.
Question 4: What are your motivations?
A. The pursuit of carbonated water, sucrose, glucose, citric acid, natural flavors, taurine, sodium citrate, color added, panax ginseng root extract, L-carnitine, L-tartarate, caffeine, sorbic acid, benzoic acid, niacinamide, sodium chloride, Glycine max glucuronolactone, inositol, guarana seed extract, pyridoxine hydrochloride, sucralose, riboflavin, maltodextrin, and cyanocobalamin.
B. “What’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is mine too.”
C. Ultimate power, and a sword that’s bigger than a small village.
D. Just making it through the day without telling someone to go screw themselves.
Question 5: Someone wants to fight you. How do you approach this situation?
A. Chug your drink and punch the nearest wall as a display of intimidation.
B. You probably started the fight because you felt entitled to something they have.
C. Loudly declare “I have the power of God and anime on my side” while twirling a stick.
D. Diffuse the situation with words. Or just run.
Question 6: What do you like to do at parties?
A. Something involving drywall, shots, energy drinks and insulting someone’s mother.
B. Complain about the lack of a really specific item, then complain more when no-one is willing to go the shop for you to get it.
C. Talk about JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure for six hours straight.
D. Have fun.
Question 7: Which quote resonates with you the most?
A. Any Pantera lyric.
B. “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
C. Either “I’m not gonna run away and I never go back on my word, that is my nindō! My ninja way!” or “If the zombie apocalypse happens, everyone will run and hide, except for us gamers. We’ve been waiting for this for all our lives.”
D. “Why so serious?”
Question 8: If you had to choose your last meal, it would be…
A. A hot dog covered in Monster Energy Drink.
B. Gazpacho Soup, that I’d send back for being too cold.
D. A Sunday roast, or the vegetarian/vegan equivalent.
Question 9: My friends would describe me as…
A. An idiot.
Question 10: What would you consider yourself to be talented at?
A. Staying awake for long periods of time.
B. Getting my own way.
C. Kunai throwing.
D. “Erm, I can make a mean cup of tea, I guess?”
Question 11: What do you want to see in Area 51?
A. A matter creation machine that allows for infinite energy drinks and punchable drywall.
B. A new toy for my “precious angel”.
C. Anything with tentacles.
D. Where they were hiding Tupac.
If you answered mostly A’s, you’ll be in the Kyle Battalion. With a few cans of Monster Energy surging through your veins granting you a +10 buff to attack power and stamina, Kyles are the tanks of the siege. You’ll be taking the brunt of the damage, but just think about how much you’d be able to punch. It’ll be heaven.
Those who answered mostly B’s will find themselves right at home in the Karen Division, a group for all the entitled people in the world. With your “can I speak to your manager?” haircuts, the Karen Division, flanked by the Brads and Chads, will be able to lure out commanding officers for other units to take down, but hopefully no one tries to appoint a leader. In-fighting over who deserves to be the commander might just bring them down.
Mostly C’s will lead you to the Naruto Runners, a diversionary platoon designed to get in amongst the frontlines and disrupt the opposition. We won’t lie, a lot of Naruto Runners won’t survive, but if anime has taught us anything, you’ll likely return from death more powerful than ever. If the Storming of Area 51 is successful, we might even have the technology to make that possible.
As for those who answered mostly D’s, you’ll be part of the most important group of all: you’ll be in the group that sneaks around back while everyone is distracted. You’re a regular person, which means that you’re bland enough to sneak into the base without being detected. The mission rests on your shoulders. No pressure.
Let us know which group you’re part of in the comments below, and we hope you enjoyed this, because writing and publishing it has probably put us on some kind of list somewhere.
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