Should it Stay Dead? Xena: Warrior Princess

You and I know we’re living in a golden age of television. As technology changes what is possible on the small screen, and how we watch shows, a conveyor-belt of high quality shows are pumped straight into our living rooms and bedrooms. Game of Thrones, American Horror Story and The Following are part of a changing TV landscape.

So why do some TV networks insist on giving us recycled, triangulated dross? Not a week seems to go by without some old TV show or movie getting picked off a dusty shelf and unceremoniously announced as a ‘fresh take’ for television. This autumn we’ve already seen Limitless and Minority Report air, while in the near future we can look forward to TV reboots of  The Omen, Watchmen and Rush Hour. Hell, as I write this someone just decided that the world needs a TV version of Lethal Weapon.

In light of this trend, we’ll be picking through the back catalogue of our pop culture and deciding what shouldn’t be bought back from the dead. We’ll be asking what made classic TV shows and movies good in the first place and what could happen if some idiot decides we need a new TV version.

We begin with a show that’s already attracted a few rumours about a return: Xena: Warrior Princess. Ladies and gentlemen, join us on a journey of a classic TV show and why it should stay dead.

In January 1995, after a series of syndicated TV movies, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys launched as a full TV show. It was goofy, straightforward and played fast and loose with Greek history. Somehow it became a hit. In fact, it became such a hit that when fans took to a guest character who was only intended to be around for three episodes, she got her own show.

Xena: Warrior Princess began in September the same year and quickly became a cult hit. Following the adventures of Xena and her (platonic?) best friend Gabrielle around ancient Greece, the pair also found time to visit China, Great Britain and Italy. Xena’s get up, a kind of armoured corset with leather skirt, was very obviously impractical and probably lacked even a shred of historical accuracy.

Somehow everything worked though. The show wore its goofiness on its sleeve. It was an action comedy that wasn’t concerned with being gritty and deep, just focused on being fun. Ah, yes, the innocent, pre-Christopher Nolan 90s. We’ll not see such times again.

Meanwhile the show’s writers went to great lengths to hint, though never explicitly confirm, that Xena and Gabrielle might be an item. Even to this day the show is held by certain gay rights groups as a positive portrayal of such relationships.

Recent chatter about a revival centres on a return of the original cast, something I dearly hope is the case. If this doesn’t pan out it will only embolden some hacky TV producer to pitch a ‘new story’ for Xena. For those who don’t speak TV bullshit let me translate what ‘new story’ would mean here: the character names and their basic relationships would be carried over to the new show, which would air on cable and basically be a cheap knock off of Game of Thrones.

It might look something like this:

The Pitch

Xena’s original story was a tale of redemption, as Gabrielle helped her atone for the crimes of her past. But thanks to George R. R. Martin and HBO any fantasy show these days has to be dark and gritty, with a gloomy colour pallet and plenty of brutal murder.

To appease network executive a new version of the series would probably follow Xena in her time as a warlord. This would lean heavy on political intrigue between Xena’s city of Amphipolis and the other Greek city states, as well as the Greek gods. In the vein of Game of Thrones, Xena would be seen committing some horrific acts of war.

For prestige shows like this, it’s become common to cast down-on-their-luck film stars. With that in mind the new Xena will be played by Kristen Stewart, with Nicolas Cage starring as Ares the God of War. That’s some solid casting we can all get behind, isn’t it?

Did I mention murder already? We’ll most likely see classic characters , such as Autolycus the Prince of Thieves, appear as regular cast members until they are shockingly killed off every three or four episodes. It doesn’t matter though, because they’ll resemble their original characters in name alone. Except for Gabrielle, who’ll remain a champion of good until she is decapitated at the end of the first season. Because someone has to be.

There will also be plenty of gratuitous sex since I think that’s a rule now for fantasy TV shows. There’s a per episode quota, right? Instead of shooting it in New Zealand as before, Xena will be filmed in Ireland and the UK so everyone looks suitably cold.

TV executives, if you’re interested please get in touch with Cultured Vultures and maybe we can talk.