A soldier squats in a dead cowboy hat-clad wizard’s house and finds the neighborhood is infested with orcs in this action/adventure film. A princess in a bustier outruns a floating witch dressed in cheesecloth and her orc army, and then a wizard shoots the orcs in that cave, you know the one, the one that was in Robot Monster and served as the entrance to the Batcave in the 1960s TV show and that was in about a million other terrible movies.
Suddenly, a realtor mispronounces realty, and I think that should be the number one thing you learn in realty college. She sells a former soldier a furnished farmhouse because why not, and no-one signs anything or gives anyone a check or has a house inspection and he just sort of moves in, and I’m pretty sure this is the first time in recorded history this has ever happened. All the previous wizard’s crap is still there, and the first thing the soldier does is repair a rickety old wicker rocking chair he finds in the attic, although there’s plenty of other furniture around. Then he borrows a conveniently located 4-wheeler and chases a mysterious figure back to the cave. While he’s in the cave, he sticks one of his fingers into a pool of orc blood. When faced with mysterious pools of liquids found in caves, explorers or scientists or lead actors in adventure films often stick their fingers in them, because that’s how you can tell it isn’t human blood or bat guano. Caves are dark.
After an orc prayer and the appearance of a CGI dragon, the princess kicks the soldier in the face while they fight in the rustic cemetery in his backyard, but it seems like that’s just an excuse for him to do a bit of shirtless shingling. The orcs attack, so the soldier, who honestly looks less like a soldier than he does a country singer, casually beats some of the orcs to death with a hammer, and by ‘casually’ I really mean ‘his chambray shirt is casually unbuttoned’. Then the cameraman’s shadow appears.
Two Appalachian stereotypes wrestle near a campfire as one wears a Jimmy Buffett t-shirt, then one gets a stick shoved in his Shenandoah valley by an orc. A bunch of movie happens for a while, and an orc gets cut in half by a giant rolling stone, and another gets tasered in the soldier/country singer’s basement, which I might like country music more if country music lyrics featured any of those words. Then the country singer/soldier drives past a bunch of orcs on his borrowed 4-wheeler and mows them down with his semi-automatic weapon because why not. This goes on for a while. An orc is shot in the crotch, and then the cameraman is reflected in a mirror.
In a stunning twist, the realtor makes an appearance, and her car is destroyed by catapult, and by ‘a stunning twist’ I mean ‘the screenplay needed a bit of levity from minor character attrition, but it’s sort of yawn-inducing’. Then the country singer/soldier pulls a ‘shock and awe’ stunt, and the fact the phrase ‘shock and awe’ is uttered makes me wonder if anyone involved in this movie has heard any phrases uttered since 2002. Anyway, he leaps out of the ground and kills a bunch of orcs, and instead of calling it ‘shock and awe’ they probably should have skipped it entirely.
Dragonfyre is pretty awful. It’s very similar to an elvish Apocalypse Now, since it has lots of guns, explosions, an antiquated tank named Sweet Ass Juggernaut Jennie, and orcs, but they probably should have called it Orcpacalypse Nope.
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