18:51
David heaved himself from the sofa and paused Stevie. He changed his mind and pressed play again, fumbling slightly causing it to pause once more. He felt his face grow hot, and he flailed his arms like an evolved walrus in frustration. He thumbed the button and music began once more. David flattened his shirt and stomach with sweaty palms and walked to the hallway. Swallowing hard he opened the latch, and the door creaked open. His lips curled into an attempted smile that looked more like the grin of a psychopath, but this was okay because to David’s mix of horror and relief the person at the door was not Yvette.
Stood in front of David was a man, or at least what was left of a man. Some quick glances at the torn puffaÂjacket, missing teeth and permanent bed hair drew David to the conclusion that the man in front of him was either homeless, drunk or had escaped from a nearby asylum. Or all three, David thought. He was out of breath, too, leaning on the wall with one hand and looking intensely at David. There was a small window of silence between the pair until the man with no teeth caught his breath and spoke.
Phew, you’re still here. Good.
The man had a thick, cockney accent and caused David to wonder how far he had travelled.
Can I help you?
Not me, no.
David leant out of the door, checking the hallway. There was no one in sight.
I’m actually expectingÂÂ…
David if you value your life you’ll let me in.
The man did not follow this less than playful remark with a smile, and David suddenly felt fear he had never felt before in his bubbleÂwrapped life. His reply was autonomous.
Please, just take whatever it is you want just don’t—
David trailed off as the man immediately crossed the threshold and nodded to David as he did.
He made his way to the lounge and David’s head was in a twist. The phone was in the lounge, he thought, and thus a modern weapon. David craned his head out the door to see the unchanged empty corridor posted with other flat doors. Running away crosses his mind. In David’s heart, this was the perfect answer to his current dread: a literal escape. But what about Yvette? Tonight could well be the beginning of something wonderful, he dreamt. She couldn’t come here with this…this…this mentalist in the lounge, he thought. Maybe he could just kill the man? Would that be so bad? He definitely wouldn’t be missed, David thought; he could boil his body in the bath, and he could have his evening with Yvette. This mania ended when a shout came from the lounge, something about Stevie Wonder being a walking miracle. David swallowed again and shut the door. The slam seemed to vanquish his murderous thoughts. He entered the lounge with bated breath to see the man already making himself at home, sitting at the wicker table with a dirty finger in hot candle wax. David had his eyes on the phone.
They say when one sense diminishes another is heightened. He’s extraordinary, no one doubts that.
David jumped when the man spoke. The broken man looked up at David, who in turn met his eyes.
Sit down David, sit down. You look like a man who’s seen his death! Well, it won’t be tonight, not if I can help it.
Quite without control, David pulled out the seat and sat, watching the man with a plump fist in his pocket. The man spat on the floor and cursed heavily. David’s mouth fell slightly.
Can’t help the habits of the previous owner, my apologies. My name is—
David continued to stare at a strange man in his home trying to remember his name. The man pulled out a tatty piece of paper from his puffaÂjacket pocket. It was a supermarket receipt, and he squinted at it.
—Tesco. My name is Tesco. Could I trouble you for a glass of water please?
David nodded slowly and stood up, turning Stevie off as he walked into the kitchen. He wondered how a man could be so well spoken considering his circumstances.
He had all but forgotten about Yvette as he took a glass from a cupboard and turned the tap on. He had forgotten all about the phone. The man seemed harmless, mostly. Just his luck, he thought, letting in a crazy from the street and have him sit down in Yvette’s seat. David’s experience with the eccentric is to let them talk. Let them say what they have to say, and they’ll be gone quicker, he hoped. David placed the glass of water next to Tesco and sat back down.
Thank you!
Tesco reached again inside his jacket and pulled out a tiny silver packet. Tearing it open, he poured the contents into his mouth and ground with what teeth he had left, smirking like a mischievous child as he does. Tesco pointed to his mouth.
Helps your digestion. You’ll thank me later.
After a few seconds, the man leant over the glass of water, shaping his mouth in such a way so as to allow a stream of saliva slither out and land with a plop in the water. David did not react truthfully, forcing an attempted smile. Or perhaps not a smile; perhaps it was the most silent cry for help imaginable.
I don’t wish to alarm you David but I am not from this planet.
David didn’t reply, and it was only when Tesco used the fork placed on Yvette’s saucer to stir deranged drool and water did David begin to splutter and wheeze, weeping quietly. His pocketful of courage had already run out.
David, come now. Now’s the time to be strong.
David shook his head slowly, staring at the table through watery eyes.
AÂ-are you g-Âgoing to kÂ-kill me?
Tesco looked very offended at David’s question.
Of course not! Do you really take me for one of those?! No, not me. If I wanted to kill you, I’d have done it by now. No, David I’m here to help you. Here, let me put you at ease, drink this.
Tesco lifted the glass of now murky water and placed it in front of David who ceased to breathe at the gesture.
It will protect you, I have it all planned out.
David wiped his eyes and looked at Tesco.
MÂ-MÂ-Mr. Tesco, w-Âwhy are you here? Why are you in my home? Tonight may well be the most important night of my life, and you’re sitting in the chair that I’ll need in—
David looked at the wall clock and his shoulders gave way.
—fifteeen minutes. I have money, I have clothes, take them! Anything you want, just—
Oh, come now! The last thing I’d want is money David, never before has a thing been so pitifully pointless. You are correct, though, tonight will be the most important night of your life but only if you make the right choice. Now listen to me carefully.
David eyed the drink in front of him.
What is it?
Your secret weapon.
Tesco nodded at David’s crotch, wiggling his eyebrows and grinning.
She will knock upon your door very soon, but I must warn you: it will not be her.
David listened because the effort needed just to sit and listen to Tesco completely override the effort to challenge him.
It will certainly look like her, sound like her, smell like her. Indeed, physically she will remain the same but hear me when I say this David as it is very important: inside, it will not be her. Yvette right now, and I’m sorry to say this David, lies at the bottom of a river. Her organs and bones, at least, though they’ll be well on their way to Sheffield by now. She was vacuumed organically from the inside out just hours ago by a terribly violent and terribly clever creature that I cannot name for reasons you cannot know. Its sole purpose this evening is to gain access to this very apartment and do whatever it takes to cut off your head and take it back to its respective planet. It seems, David, that you have been randomly targeted to take part in a sort of, how shall I say, Galactic Bloodsport, the detail of which you do not need to know right now. But, as it happens, it is your head it wants. So, obviously it must have known you were to host this female you intend to dine with tonight, found her, commandeered her skin, familiarised itself with her wardrobe and will knock upon your door quite soon indeed.
A look of utter shame and disbelief had been on David’s face since Tesco began his extraterrestrial babble. Tesco’s eyes widened.
When she arrives, she will want you David. It will be very primal, and it will be very violent. She will give to you a night you have never experienced: an entire evening of sexual glory, and it will almost entirely be euphoric until the moment in ecstasy when she will decapitate you. Human sexual climax, so this creature claims, is the most satisfying moment to cut off a human’s head. But David, we’re not going to let that happen, are we?
It’s a strange thing when a man’s instinct clashes with his doubt, stranger still when rationale must fight with the wonderful human gut, an organ that has been responsible for saving and Âlikewise  taking so many lives over the millennia of human existence. Take David, for example: though his face remained vacant and his eyes almost dead inside, there were still cogs whirring in his small brain, working ceaselessly to process what Tesco had just said. I think, though, that this was the moment where a cog may have fallen out of place, and David was drawn to a conclusion linked closely with a strong feeling that had addled his brain for a long time. It began with a shrug of the shoulders and a phrase even Tesco could not have predicted:
I’m okay with that.
—What?
David sniffed and wiped his nose with his sleeve.
..I’m okay with that.
Tesco lurched back in his chair slowly, lowering his voice slightly.
What do you mean?
David drew a long, deep breath, eventually exhaling pitifully.
Mr. Tesco, I don’t enjoy being the man I am. I’ve spent far too many nights sleeping on my bathroom floor, dreaming that I’ll wake up to be the man I want to be. Look at me. I’m a fat, balding, rubbish excuse for a human being. On weeknights, I trawl the internet for top quality pornography. On the weekend, I masturbate to it. Into the early hours. I have never, ever made love to a woman, and I’m certain that is what makes a man. Mr. Tesco, if tonight ends with my head being taken to another planet after an evening spent with a woman who may have me and, better still, allow me to have her, then, and I’m sorry to say,  I welcome it.
Tesco had a crazy look in his eyes, but then he laughed. He laughed with a cough that stank and spit from his mouth finds its way to David’s face. Some got on David’s lips and he winced.
Tesco stopped laughing and smiled at David, like a father to a lost son.
I have known your race for some time now, David, and what I’ve learnt is that you’ll have to do a lot more than simply mate with a female to become a man  whatever that means. But why, may I ask, are you so desperate to become a man? Save for a select few (Stevie Wonder being one of them), men are mostly repugnant, stupid and stubborn creatures. They dwell only on conversation and not conservation, of their planet and its many inhabitants, which is what men should be doing as Earth’s dominant race. This, my dear David, is a cosmic crime, they just don’t know it yet. This is the reason your kind are constantly ridiculed, judged unfit to exist and therefore used time and time again for intergalactic bloodsport. But if being a man is what you want, I will not attempt to change your mind. She will be here soon, and I cannot be. I understand that. I’ll leave, David, but only if you drink up.
Tesco nodded at the glass. David, by this point, was convinced he shared the same attitude as the wasted youth that passed him on the way to work each day. He truly didn’t care anymore. He had just told a complete stranger how he felt about himself, a feat only a handful of people can honestly say they’ve ever done. He grabbed the glass and drank it down without a break to breathe. Tesco grinned proudly and stood as David slammed the glass down with a silent burp.
My good human, I wish you good luck!
Tesco extended a hand, and David’s hand was crushed by the handshake. As Tesco walked away a draft of stink exited with him along with the sound of a door opening and closing. David was left alone with his own mind, a mind that at that moment was rife with confusion and odd victory.
Minutes passed in silence and David did not move. The only thing that moved on David’s body in those minutes was his penis. It wriggled slightly, like a sickly worm before it rolls over and dies. David did not notice it, but something peculiar was happening within its many muscles and veins. Four bangs at the door and David’s eyes awoke from awake. The clock read half Âpast seven. Here we go, he thought.
Next Page
Some of the coverage you find on Cultured Vultures contains affiliate links, which provide us with small commissions based on purchases made from visiting our site. We cover gaming news, movie reviews, wrestling and much more.
