SHORT STORIES: Airplane Food for Beginners

airplane food for beginners

Always remove the cutlery from their plastic pouch. Lay the cutlery on a tray in an easily accessible place. Remove only necessary condiments that you will be utilizing. Where a condiment is superfluous to the cuisine that is being placed before you disregard it. Leave it in the pouch. Place the serviette on your lap.

Remove the cover from your starter. Place this in the cutlery pouch that should be empty save for the condiment you are not using.

Consume the starter. Invariably, a fruit salad of some description.

Now, on to the main course. Peel off the foil. Slowly, to retain as much anticipation as possible and also, to avoid any inadvertent scolding. Airplane medical kits are not designed for such small scale injuries.

Remove the foil and bend into a flat concertina. Place this in the empty starter tray.

Retrieve cutlery and place in one hand.

Tear open the salt and sprinkle liberally.

Place cutlery / waste bag in the flap of the seat in front.

Prepare to consume.

Consume and enjoy.

Peel back pouch on desert. Usually a cheesecake or sponge based desert. Place lid into container previously holding starter and now housing the foil from the main course.

Consume desert and accept offer of hot beverage from passing stewardess. Avoid any form of lechery as she pours. Thank her sincerely. Keeping the stewardess on side, especially on long haul, is important.

Alternate swigs of hot beverage with bites of desert. If cheesecake, allow the biscuit base to melt in mouth with the assistance of the hot beverage.

On conclusion of the desert, unwrap chocolate treat and consume this slowly.

Accept offer of alcoholic beverage from passing stewardess and drink quickly. Request further beverage as the stewardess should still be in the vicinity of fellow passengers in order to maximize alcoholic intake.

Consume alcohol this way for as long as the flight permits. If you have a connecting flight, make sure you are aware of the Terminal you must cross over to and to ensure that you have the time to visit the bathroom and answer any questions about your sobriety. Always be comforted by the reality that airplane companies are reluctant to stop you from taking connecting flights due to intoxication as they are culpable for putting you in that state. Take comfort from this fact and indulge in their hospitality.

Avoid lechery towards the stewardess or any fellow passengers despite your level of intoxication. You may be mistaken in feeling that you are in a social situation where such behaviour is acceptable such as a bar or a nightclub. Remember however that the majority of your fellow passengers will not share your level of intoxication if you have followed the advice given above. As well as avoiding such lechery, avoid any lewd remarks. Indeed, avoid lechery, lewd remarks and indeed masturbation. The latter is very important to note, as most airline companies will not allow you to fly on a connecting flight or indeed on any other flight in the future. You may also find that despite data protection rules, other airline companies may in the spirit of aviation co-operation, share the information with their competition. Next to taking a bomb on an aircraft, masturbating on a plane is to be discouraged.

Enjoy your flight.

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