1st Place
‘The God of The Gym’ by Lando Hilton
When we want to gain bulk, or be slim
We find a new god, called “the gym”
All those who believe
Must stretch, lift and heave!
For this is the way to please Him.
He works in strange ways; he would rather
See sit-ups, than hear an Our Father.
There is no need for hymns;
For repentance of sins,
You must strain till you sweat up a lather.
An insecure young man prays for pecs,
For, “One day, I’ll be seen by my ex!
I need to get pumped
So that my being dumped
Becomes one of her biggest regrets!”
Says the god, “Lift these cast-iron weights
For arms that could juggle filled crates.
By the time you get strong
And she finds herself wrong
You’ll already have shagged her best mate!”
A large, middle-aged woman cries,
“Take this flab away from my thighs!
I’m as round as a pear,
My husband’s had an affair,
I wish to drop many a trouser size!”
Says the god, “Your husband’s a jerk!
Now, fat loss will take lots of work.
If you want to get lean,
Use that rowing machine
And don’t stop till your limbs really hurt!”
An old man, with a bit of a croak:
“I want to be fit, and no longer smoke.
I miss feeling young,
Having air in my lungs,
My erections are just a sad joke.”
Says the god, “Your days are not over;
I think you should start doing Yoga.
Let the smoking be gone,
RUN – daily, and long!
You’ll have many a massive boner.”
The young man overcame his rejection
The woman adored her new reflection
And our brave old man,
Who did Yoga and ran,
Enjoyed a much better erection.
When we do a triathlon (and win!)
Or see our once-fat bodies turned thin,
We don’t sing a psalm,
We just throw up our arms
And shout “YES! Thank you, god of the gym!”
BIO: Lando Hilton lives in England in the UK. He graduated with a Psychology degree in 2012, and has since started a second degree in History. This programme is part-time in order to leave plenty of time for creative writing. Lando has self-published a novel for young adults and writes a magazine column for Sense, the UK deafblind charity, about his experiences of living with sensory loss.
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