Pea Bo’s Netflix Nasties: The Bell Witch Haunting

This looks bad just from the images. Pea Bo’s Netflix Nasties continue with The Bell Witch Haunting.

 

Another week goes by and we find ourselves in front of the TV, regretting we ever mentioned watching terrible films on Netflix for reviews. My housemates begin to give me ‘the stare’. They know it’s happening. I’m going to put them through it, and they fucking hate me for it. ‘Here she comes’, their eyes scream at me, ‘here she fucking comes. This bitch’. 

What better way to win them over than with an awful hand held paranormal ghost film, right? This hasn’t got Val Kilmer or Melissa Joan Hart in it. It may be okay. Everything may be okay.

Obviously, it’s not.

The Bell Witch Haunting first drew me in with the artwork resembling a half rendered 3D distorted computer game image someone created on a lonely night in solely to post on message boards, which by the way has absolutely nothing to do with any imagery in the film. A family move into a new house (the dad is a DILF), and the son receives a camera on his birthday allowing for our journey to begin. This house is haunted, and you can tell that right away because it’s really fucking nice and big so fuck them and all their money, they get a haunted house. Strange things begin to happen, but instead of saying ‘FUCK THIS’ and instantly leaving, they stay there and experience all of them, which can only be explained by their morbid fascination in death. People die and they stay.

Okay, so these are the things that mean you should leave your house instantly and move to a different continent, change your name, get plastic surgery and a sex change:

1) You see a fucking ghost, you idiot, fucking leave now.

2) Your family is found covered in blood. Why are you still there?

3) Something attempts to suffocate you under the covers of your bed.

4) You have to call an exorcist.

The acting isn’t the worst I’ve seen, but I’m not blown away. The visual effects and make up resemble that of an art student in their first year of university, preparing for Halloween, by going to the local ‘goth market’ and purchasing white contact lenses. There is the concept of a storyline, which is lost in endless scenes of suspense, never quite reaching the right point of tension. It makes you wonder why they aren’t trying to scare you.

It’s not worth it guys. My housemates still hate me.