No Nonsense Agony Uncle: Should I Get A Cat?

Dave Londis left school at 15, was imprisoned at 15 and a half, and after 4 more brushes with the law, decided to resign as a petty thief, and become an agony aunt. Now 45 years old, and totally alone, nobody knows relationship issues quite like our Dave…

My husband always goes straight from work to the pub, and then stays out until late. I feel like I never see him anymore, and I miss him. (Karen, 33, Sleaford)

This one seems pretty black and white to me, just go to the pub. Or have more beer at home.


My wife wants to get a cat. I really don’t like cats, but she’s been pretty pissed off with me lately, and she says this might be a deal breaker. I just don’t want a smug furry bastard tearing up my precious sofa. Help! (Ebenezer, 45, Maidstone)
It looks like you may have to back down on this one and get a cat. That then poses the exciting question of how to get rid of a cat. You could go old school, trap it in a bag, pop a brick in and head to the canal, you could impale it on a stick and put it in your annoying neighbor’s garden, drive it to the far side of town and leave it in Homebase car park, or just keep it simple and shoot it in the face with an air rifle.

There are endless possibilities, and they may make you feel like a badass, but really you’ve got to look at why your wife is pissed at you, it seems like you might be more interested in preserving your leather than making you other half happy. You kinda suck Ebenezer, go marry your fucking sofa. Prick.


My “friend” Maisie told my boyfriend Matt that I didn’t like him anymore, so he broke up with me and now is going out with her. I can’t believe that she would betray me like this, and I need to stay friends with her because she’s cool. How can I do this, even though I’m still hopelessly in love with Matt? (Amy, 12, Penge)
Be a man, Amy, and stand up for yourself. I had a similar situation in prison when Gav Ganj did me out of four litres of toilet wine, only to drink it all after his parole hearing.

Unfortunately for you, though, Maisie isn’t gonna die of alcohol poisoning anytime soon, so you’ve got to stride out on your own and make some proper friends. Friends aren’t just for looking cool, you need the sort of mates who’ll stand up for you and lie in court, or who have a safe house in the Cotswolds (Lovely countryside). Men love confident women, so forget about Maisie, and Matt will be awkwardly holding hands with you again soon.

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