We may have said goodbye to the horror known as 2016, but everybody seems to have forgotten that the worst month of any year would soon follow.
That’s right, January, an embarrassment for calendars everywhere.
Every year, it feeds on the hopes and dreams of millions, scoffing at resolutions and mooning at your promise of self-advancement. Look outside: the sky is as bleak as your future and January is the perpetrator.
Fuck January, basically. If we could somehow delete it or hibernate all the way through the accursed 31 days of utter nothingness, the human race would be better off.
Here are five reasons why January is as bad, if not worse, than finding out that Bill Murray has died.
Don’t even think about it, January. Don’t even fucking dare.
1. Box office bollocks
Because everyone is flat broke after Christmas, movie studios have a tendency to fart out the films they greenlit while they were a couple of inches deep into their cocaine mountains in the hope that someone pays money to watch them. These movies only exist because studio executives feel too ashamed to admit their mistakes.
The Spirit, everybody has forgotten about what you did, but I haven’t. I never will.
2. Who am I?
As if everyone’s Leonard Shelby after a week spent in a sweat lodge, January makes people question their very being.
What kind of human are you? Are you even really human? Are we all lizards? Did I direct The Spirit?
The imbalance of festive cheer quickly followed by the realisation that your life is finite means the whole month is one of soul-searching. Should I eat this pie or start a public school in Guatemala that’s actually a front for a Yu-Gi-Oh trading card ring? Decisions, decisions.
3. What weather is this?
Climate change deniers have one ace in their deck that they never seem to use. January’s weather defies logic and science and has done since we first crawled out of caves and told the sky to fuck off.
Cold, grey, sometimes warm, always drunk. There’s no denying that the planet has no idea what it’s doing, much like the film adaptation of The Spirit.
4. Look at all this shit in my house
Without wanting to sound ungrateful, I have a lot of Lynx around my house that I will never be able to use, unless I want to build some kind of fort from which to repel the fairer sex.
Just like The Spirit, homes around the world are full of shit that is of no use to anyone.
5. Back to work
Did you enjoy your time off? Accomplished everything you needed to? No? Well, too bad. Go sit in this chair or stand at this till for 40 hours a week. That’s unless you find a new job, which at first seems fine, but then you realise that it’s a constant cycle of doing stuff you don’t want to do until you retire and then die with nothing to your name apart from a fortress of Lynx Africa and several copies of The Spirit on DVD.