Human Haemorrhoid Re-Edits The Last Jedi To Remove Feminist Themes, Stars Mock Him

Kylo Ren The Last jedi

Humanity is pretty petty, especially when it comes to fandoms and their theories not coming true. Whereas you or I could be disappointed by our hopes not coming to fruition, we can move along and get distracted by something else, such is the throwaway nature of everything in the internet age.

One Star Wars fan, however, had a fire burning inside of him for so long after watching The Last Jedi that he took the time to download a camrip of the movie with hardcoded subtitles, edit out the the focus on its female cast and upload it to The Pirate Bay. Because, you know, we’re in a culture war or some such and this is the way to win.

It’s 46 minutes long. That’s a whole lot of censorship for something that doesn’t fit your worldview.

The “artist’s” description:

“The resulting movie is (wait for it …) 46 minutes long. Yeah I know, it’s not ideal. It’s made from a CAM source (the most recent HDTC one with the Asian hard subs, which is pretty watchable). It has issues. But it had to be done. You will probably enjoy it most when you view it less as a blockbuster movie and more as some kind of episode from some non-existent mediocre Star Wars series.

“Obviously it’s far from perfect. The source is not even on DVD-level. Some of the technical edits were slacked because why not, it’s a CAM source (e.g. some masks and Snoke disappearing). Sometimes there’s an extreme zoom despite the mediocre quality. There are plotholes and continuity errors and some cuts are not as smooth as they should be, especially audio transition-wise.

“But for what it’s worth, it can now at least be viewed without feeling nauseaus [sic] about most of the terrible big and small decisions they made in this film. Also, at least the intro sequence is now very watchable and actually much cooler without all of Leia’s nitpicking. Now it’s all one united Resistance fighting without inner conflict and that’s much more satisfying to watch. Due to the extreme shortening, the whole movie is much more fast-paced now, at times unfortuantely [sic] also rushed due to a lack of usable filler footage.”

And some of the edits:

“Cut out most shots showing female fighters/pilots and female officers commanding people around/having ideas.“
“NO HALDO (sic)! She simply doesn’t exist. Her whole subplot doesn’t exist. The Kamikaze is carried out by Poe. ( = Poe dies.)“
“Leia never scolds, questions nor demotes Poe. He is a respected and very skilled high-ranking member of the resistance.“
“When there’s a scene where a woman is cut in making some important statement that can be substituted by another statement by a guy, then she gets cut out. Works pretty well actually.“
“Wookie eats the Porg, or at least isn’t interrupted in trying to do so.“
“No green milk.”

I don’t really know why the guy’s cut out the old man sucking from the teat of a horny space cow because I couldn’t particularly pick up any feminist themes there. It’s especially weird considering it tops basically every Star Wars moment ever. I will never know, of course, because I have better things to do than to watch a fan edit that was pieced together by hatred and Cheeto dust-ed fingers angrily cropping things together in Sony Vegas.

As well as being ceremoniously shot down by most of the internet-dwelling populace, the names in front and behind the camera who worked on The Last Jedi have also been pretty succinct with their thoughts. I don’t think I have ever seen such an esteemed group of people squat one out this hard on a single person.

Tune in next week when someone will replace all footage of Rey with just a pair of large, walking breasts.

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