The war has been going on since the dawn of humanity and you weren’t even aware. An epic battle to strike fear into the hearts of the living. No, it’s not Iraq, nor Afghanistan. It’s everywhere. It’s not a religious conflict, nor a quest for valuable resources. In fact, it’s for no reason whatsoever. Are you participating? You can’t know for sure until it’s too late. The only way to prepare yourself is to live a healthy, calcium-rich life. This is the Skeleton War.
In the lead up to Hallowe’en 2013, Tumblr was engulfed by a deluge of creepy images and posts tagged ‘skeleton war’, in an adaptation of the ‘2spooky4me’ meme, but little did these users know that there was something much more sinister afoot. It turns out that when you die, if your grave does not have RIP carved into the stone, you will automatically be enrolled into the ranks of the Skeleton War, where you shall feud in Hell for all eternity against all other distressed human cadavers.
As Hallowe’en 2014 approaches we must take a moment in silence to remember all those veterans who have fought for years over nothing in particular as well as celebrating the brave new recruits. We must demonstrate our continued respect for our bony militia by filling our blogs with skeletons and anything even mildly creepy. Any prayers for friends and relatives should be made in the name of Mr. Skeletal, the emaciated deity.
But fear not, my animated acquaintances, for as horrific as war on earth may be, rumour is that in Hell, when they tire of ripping every other man to shreds, they party hard: Swapping raunchy skeleton nudes, discovering new legendary bones to fight with and training with the fiercest warriors such as Genghis Khan.
Have you got what it takes to join The Skeleton War? If so, you must resist cremation or leaving your body to science. No skeleton, no war. And ensure that nobody engraves ‘RIP’ or ‘Rest In Peace’ on your headstone, lest you may suffer a completely dull and uneventful death of rest and peace. And why would you want that?
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