Happy Birthday, Yaya!

So a little birdie told me it was a certain Premier League superstar’s birthday last week, woohoo! Or not.

Manchester City’s Yaya Touré turned 31 last Tuesday and you know what, apparently his employers did not wish him a happy birthday. Yaya took offence. Yaya took to twitter. Yaya’s agent got involved. Yaya made things worse.


It now appears that the birthday boy may well be on his way out of the Manchester club now, all because of a belated birthday card. This is a man who has played in World Cups for his country, the Ivory Coast, played his club career in exotic places such as Barcelona, Athens and Monaco, making millions of pounds, euros and dollars along the way, this is a man who now makes£220,000 a week, £880,000 a month and £10,560,000 a year but apparently that’s not enough for Yaya. Apparently Yaya expects party hats, banners, paper plates, Iceland finger food, games of musical chairs, a big sing song and finally the big present reveal of a brand new Scalextric set.


How the feck can somebody THIS rich get THIS upset over not getting a birthday wish and or present from the people that pay him truckloads of money? Well Yaya certainly earns enough to buy himself presents, let’s see just what he could have had on his BIG day.

Present #1


With just over one week’s wages big Yaya could have brought himself 3, yes 3, Porsche 911 Carrera’s just for the sheer hell of it.


Present #2


If Yaya is good at saving money, and I suspect he is, he could well have purchased his own birthday Island in the Caribbean for the measly sum of £1,982,528 but that just doesn’t seem to cut the mustard.


Present #3


Maybe Yaya wanted to look good on his birthday, and why wouldn’t he? Well if he so wished he could have purchased 135 pairs of designer Alberto Moretti’s 24-karat Gold Loafers for just under his weekly wage.(£218,565) You’d even get change, Yaya, think of that!


Present #4


Maybe Earth is just not good enough for poor Yaya. Maybe he thinks there’s more out there for him. He could have purchased and owned (supposedly) 23,000 acres of MARS (the planet not chocolate bars) again for just under his weekly wage. Just think, Mars has 35.5 million acres in total, if Yaya saved up long enough, Mars would be his.


Present #5

If Yaya had any sense though, especially growing up in and coming from an African country, may be he could have donated money to feed African children for a year? It supposedly costs just £50 to feed an African child for a year. Mr. Touré could have afforded to feed an African child living in poverty for 4,500 years…no scratch that, he could afford to feed 4,500 children for a year for just a few thousand over his weekly pocket money.

If Yaya wanted to feel good on his birthday then maybe he could have tried helping others? There’s some food, or lack of, for thought.

Enjoy your cake, you cunt.

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