In quicker time than it takes most people to butter toast, Goldberg squashed Kevin Owens at last night’s FastLane to win the WWE Universal Championship.
Theories had been running wild about the outcome of the clash, which was one of the only unpredictable matches going into the PPV. The smart money was on Goldberg bending Kevin Owens over his knee and giving him a public spanking, but there was still hope that outside interference would play a part.
It did, though it did nothing to change the result of the match. Instead of Brock Lesnar showing up and eating everyone, Chris Jericho sauntered out to distract Kevin Owens and gift Goldberg an easy win. Pretty funny when you consider how Jericho and Goldberg would love to murder each other in real life.
WAIT A MINUTE! IT’S @IAmJericho! #WWEFastlane #UniversalChampionship pic.twitter.com/8hGVC3tq04
— WWE (@WWE) 6 March 2017
The match took roughly 21 seconds to conclude and included two moves in total. This didn’t stop Goldberg from looking like he’d just stormed the beaches of Normandy; he was exhausted. In a post-match interview, Goldberg’s spirit left his body.
Goldberg will be put into cryogenic sleep to recover from the physical demands of walking down a ramp and shouting a bit. He will be awoken from his slumber to face Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania in a match that will go down as the sweatiest bout in wrestling history.
Meanwhile, wrestling fans have been checking their calendars all day to make certain that it isn’t 1998.
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