Alex McInnes takes an irreverent and satirical look at chav fashion.
There is a trend sweeping the nation. I couldn’t pinpoint the genesis of this fashion trend but I have been noticing it more and more regularly over the last couple of months. Three words I never thought I’d see put together but nonetheless, here they are… Chavvy man bags.
I am not sure what the purpose or intent of these macho pouches are, but as they are here I can only assume they are for carrying Space E and JSA papers. It got me thinking about Chav fashions and all the classy regalia they cover themselves in, so I now feel obliged to try and help you wannabe-unemployed people really pull off the styles to look the dog’s bollocks on your big day.
On this journey I’m afraid I will solely be looking at the male variety as I feel we have a bit of a simpatico, by which I mean I too, am the owner of a penis.
Leave as LITTLE hair on the top of your bonce as humanly possible but, with whatever remnants of head follicles you have, glue them down to your forehead. Grade 0 it all the way to the peak of your cranium and intricately place each remaining strand of hair apart on your forehead gluing them down with a Poundland Gel of your choice.
This really is imperative if you want any chance of fingering Mercedes behind the Ice Rink this Friday night. The second part to this winning formula is to wear a hat. It’s probably a little more ‘Snapback’ these days but why not try harking back to the classic Burberry baseball cap or failing that, the sun pointing Nike TN hat. Give it a go.
See also: stud earrings and fake gold chains to place around your meaty neck.
The possibilities really are endless here. Generally speaking you are going to want to cover that pasty, malnourished-thru-rustlers-diet torso. Leave a little to the imagination. Polo shirts by brands such as Henley, Bench and Crosshatch are usually a good starter but if you really want to impress, be it your 14 year old girlfriend, careers advisor or probation officer, then scratch away at a few more £1 scratch cards in order to afford that head turning Burberry polo, with the little Burberry collar.
A stellar look. Football shirts will reinforce your look, especially if you wear it 6 days out of 7. It will show people that you are COMMITED to being a grimy cunt. There is one dead cert for getting that much sought after kebab shop blowy from Mercedes and that is the long sleeved Burberry dress shirt. There will be a unified drop of thongs and a trail of dripping stretched out post birth fanny waiting for you. The Jackpot.
See also: If you’re going to go shirtless then at have the decency to conform with a wicked sick tribal tattoo on your upper arm, along with the name of your first born with rosary beads on your neck. I’d also recommend that JD Sports plastic string bag as a real necessity.
I think the chav rules are rather strict on trousers as there appears to be three options; trackie bottoms, pristine Bench jeans or if you’re going all out, the once doctor on his day off look of Chinos. If they have that scrunched cuff bit then you just win the game of life.
If you are planning to marry Mercedes once she has been knocked up by either you or your best mate/worst enemy, Gaz, and you are well on your way to securing the holy grail of a council flat then there is only one pair of trousers I can see as a viable option for the registry office wedding; crisp white Slazenger trackie bottoms from the Sports Direct bargain bin. Dress to impress.
See also: One hand down the front of your trousers AT ALL TIMES. I cannot stress this enough.
Trainers, trainers, trainers. Varying from the haunting white of the Reebok Classic to the neon shame of the Nike Air Max. I’m not quite sure of the links between training shoes and Chavs but whatever the bond, it’s everlasting. I guess it could be so that you are ready to LEG IT whenever the opportunity arises, whether that be from nicking four cans of Stella from Mr. Patel’s convenience store or running from police after being caught selling your ‘kush nugs’.
The basic principle is that you always have to be ready to run. The only other option I can fathom is the classic Timberland boot, a boot that means business, a boot that means that you’re not this adolescent Chav anymore, you’re a fully grown baby daddy.
That is that! Follow these fashion principles and I can promise you that by the age of 29 you will have partaken in a minimum of 3 lie detector tests and 5-6 paternity tests, it’s really that simple. Just keep on swigging your cheap warm lager, keep hanging around outside McDonald’s, keep on scratching those scratch cards, keep on drinking Happy Shopper energy drinks and definitely keep an eye on the fruit machines. The world is your oyster, or failing that, the world is your scampi & chips – I think that’s slightly more applicable.