Matt tried to watch the 23 minute long ‘Gathering Of The Juggalos’ infomercial so you didn’t have to…
Deep, deep, down inside, we’ve thought about ‘how fun it would be to go to the Gathering of The Juggalos, only in a ‘look at me, I’m so fucking ironic with my Coal Chamber t-shirt and Cica light trainers on’ kind of way mind. But what about those who actually would love to go? Well the people over at camp Insane Clown Posse have just released a 23 minute long video to promote the 15th annual event, where Juggalos get together and impact on America’s sales of black and white make-up more than Kiss ever could.
I know what you’re thinking, ‘I don’t want to have to sit through 23 minutes for somebody to tell me a) what the hell is going on, b) who is playing and c) would it actually be funny to go along, or would it just be as horrific as it looks’. Well fear not, for I am about to (try) sit through the whole thing to put together a breakdown of what is due to ‘go down’ at this festival of…um…clowns.
Our video starts with some guy. He’s on the phone… To cut a long story short, he seems a bit of a dick. He then gets hit in the head with a meteorite and is killed instantly. Our dickhead hero is then sent to heaven. But hang on a minute, surprise surprise he’s done a load of dickish things in his life, which means he’s sent to hell to meet Satan, who is for some reason dressed like Bootsy Collins.
Through some HILARIOUS circumstances, we find out he is actually a Juggalo. And obviously doesn’t belong in hell, as God in fact loves Juggalos. In fact, he loves them so blooming much that they have their own section of heaven (That’s right people, to guarantee yourself a sweet spot in heaven, you’ll have to be a Juggalo. 4 life)
He’s met again at the pearly gates by some guy. No, it’s not Saint Peter. It seems that Peter is in fact ‘out of office’, so they’ve replaced him with an interim guy in a crap white beard who puts on a ‘wise, all-knowing’ voice whilst informing our dickhead hero of ‘the fucking tunage’ and ‘the beats bro’ that will occur at the Gathering (did I mention the gig itself was taking place in Heaven? That’s right, if you’re taking this marketing video literally, you would have to kill yourself to go to this festival. Doesn’t make any sense? No, but neither does anything in this video so far)
4 minutes and 11 seconds into the video, we actually see what the line-up is. But once you see the acts who are playing, you wish they hadn’t bothered:
Insane Clown Pose – Sorry, I mean ‘the motherfucking Insane Clown Posse’
Anybody Killa – Apart from being somebody who would kill anybody, he also enjoys a spot of singing by both bonfires and coffins (thinking about it, who doesn’t)
Boondox – Looking like a member of a crap motorcycle gang.
Axe Murder Boyz – When not busy murdering people with axes, are busy looking like tattooed weasels
Big Hoodoo – When you sing the lyric ‘blow your magic all over me, and take me from this life of confusion’, you needn’t need to ask the question ‘Is he any good?’
Dark Lotus – The Juggaloo boy band we’ve all been waiting for.
Legz Diamond & the Purple Gang – Somebody’s dad having a mid-life crisis, but instead of having an affair, decides to spend his time having a go at playing some reggae. Horribly.
Blaze Ya Dead Homie – A weird hybrid of Flava Flav and the Milky Bar kid.
Biohazard – BRO! THIS BIOZHARD TUNE IS HARD! I’M FORMING A CIRCLE PIT, RIGHT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF MY HISTORY LESSON
Caskey – The work experience kid who decided to give rapping a go.
Whitney Peyton – Justin Bieber has started doing hip hop.
Wolfpac – Ain’t it great that some people are still keeping the nu-metal dream alive? Even when said people are clearly in their 40s, probably have kids and still have red dreadlocks.
Cypress Hill – Yes, that Cypress Hill. The Cypress Hill that we all used to listen to when we smoked weed, but then grew up and realised they weren’t as fun when sober. Well, now they’re doing rap metal. Again, good work keeping the dream alive bros.
But if that ain’t enough, first off we hear there is plenty of ‘neden’ (‘a juggalette’s pussy’, according to the internet) from our friend Sugar Angel. She kindly tells us that they’ll be ‘thousands of chicks at the gathering, in all shapes, forms and sizes’, however, we are then informed that ‘juggaltes ain’t no hoes’. Which is reassuring. Especially after this infomercial has already referred to women as ‘bitches’, ‘hoes’, ‘booty’ and, um, ‘neden’. Your finest ‘neden’ can then enter a twerking competition (well, probably not if you’re a man. Sorry, I mean a Juggalo)
And just when you thought music and catching some ‘ass’ wasn’t enough, there’s also ‘comedy’ at the gathering too! Featuring:
Joey Gay – Who tells us a HILARIOUS yarn about the time his left ear lobe was bitten off
Sherrod Small – Winning us all over with his WONDERFUL joke about ‘rubbing vagina in his face’
Gilbert Gottfried – Reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’ in a funny voice…
And this is where I gave up. 14 minutes in. 14 minutes where not only did I realise that ‘no, it would definitely not be funny to go to this gathering’, but I questioned my own morality and outlook on life for even considering it. There is not an ounce of decency involved in this. There is no talent, there is no fun, and to say it’s a tad sexist would be like saying ‘Blaze Ya Dead Homie is a bit of a shit name’.
But the saddest part is that so many people have truly committed themselves to this movement. Sure we live in a world of ‘Bielebers’, ‘Little Monsters’ and, um, Morrissey fans, but if they are for equal rights, having fun and just being a fan, what’s the problem? Juggalo however is a way of life that incorporates the worst parts of hip-hop, stripping out any musical credibility and bringing it to young people who are unsure of their place in life, potentially an outcast who is looking for somewhere they feel like they belong and are accepted.
Which in theory is great, but where most genres/fanbases/movements bring people in for a small period of time until they move onto the next new thing, Juggaloism just keeps you there. There is no escape from a life of sexism, shit make-up and music that is worse than Pharrell’s last album. Why? Fuck knows, and after seeing the types of people who join it, they can stay there. Just as long as they are far, far away from me.
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