Devolver doesn’t give a damn about your feelings. They don’t even care about your wallet. They know you’ll give them money because like me, you are a part of the “moronic scum-sucking consumer maw”. All you do is consume and show no sign of slowing down. Well, time for you to have your cake eat it. Here’s everything that Devolver Digital vomited into your faces at last night’s conference.
Bigger than bitcoin, better than christ
I bet you like crypto-currency you hipster fuck, because they announced some of that. LootBoxCoin is the culmination of everything the industry is known for: cryptocurrencies and loot boxes. Massively unqualified financial experts claim this is the next bitcoin. Buy as many as you can because you’re meant to, you fucking idiot.
A GAme about you: SCUM
SCUM is a game. It’s one of those survival games everyone likes to hate but secretly plays one handed in the Walmart family bathroom in the back of the store. I hope you like original ideas, because at some point this was original. You survive, and your body is zombified, and people can watch? Buy it in early access. Do it.
New Console that totally isn’t fake
You’re so gullible you’ll buy a mini-console for $200 from a dumpster behind the sketchy Taco Bell. Why do that when you can get the new Devolver Classic Edition mini-console? Features include a Dreamcast with a pirated copy of Metal Wolf Chaos for the original Xbox, your dad’s coaxial knot he’s been trying to untie since before you were born, and at least 1 totally real and not fake stage controller used to control E3 stage demos. Let your Taco Bell guy know you’ll need two.
Get your potassium intake
My Friend Pedro is what happens when you take blood, bullets, and bananas and make the only original game for miles. You shoot and ricochet shots off of metal objects to take out the opposition. Buy it because you like bananas, buy it because you’re a violent human, it’s in your nature and you can’t help it. Buy it if you’re on dialysis and need blood, because this game has that too. Buy Devolver games, you absolute fuck.
Mech america great again
If you go to MechAmericaGreatAgain.com, you’ll find the biggest reveal of the show: Metal Wolf Chaos XD. From Software changed the political climate in 2004 when this game released exclusively in Japan for the Xbox. The president dons a mech suit and saves the country from foreign invaders. Now that this future seems more likely than ever, it’s about time Devolver made sure we were prepared for the future Trump has planned for us. Buy it because you’re an American. Buy it because you want to be an American. Buy it because if you’re not an American, you’re fundamentally wrong.
Ninabot will return next year with your Big Fancy E3 Press Conference, and you will be there to engage in the corporately mandated consumption.
DISCLAIMER: This is a joke. Watch the conference online, it’s like 20 minutes long. Have a laugh, enjoy the games, be prepared for next year.
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