Close But No Cigar: An Interview With An Asteroid

An asteroid named 2016 QA2 narrowly missed hitting Earth last year, so naturally I wanted to interview the asteroid about its near-miss. Conversing with an asteroid isn’t easy with how fast they typically travel, but lucky for me 2016 QA2 has Sprint, a cell service with limited reach but readily available in all the areas you’d never expect.

However, what began as an interview quickly devolved into a heated argument.

2016 QA2, I’m impressed I was able to get ahold of you. How are handling the New Year? And what kind of name is 2016 QA2?
How am I handling the New Year? As if human measurements of time are significant to me. You assume because we share a solar system that I celebrate your holidays, too? And in regards to your second inquiry, my name is Gene. 2016 QA2 is what you call me.

You do complete an orbit of 350 days, so you might as well follow our calendar. But that’s beside the point. Gene, I’m sensing an attitude problem. Is this common for asteroids or unique to you?
Asteroids are a complicated species, not to be easily described.

A small, rocky body orbiting the sun. No?
I’ve got a definition for you. Human: smarter than a trout, dumber than an ape.

Speaking of apes, that’s an interesting point. Now from what I understand you aren’t all that large, roughly 15 to 45 meters in size. Of course, that’s no where near the size of Chixculub which leveled the dinosaurs…
Chixculub? You’ve gotta be kidding me. You think that guy killed the dinosaurs?

Geological research and satellite evidence suggests so. Were you even around to see it?
Were you around to see it? Our histories are much more accurate than any collected by mere homosapiens.

Do asteroids even have a written language? Oral histories are known to spawn inconsistencies and propagate falsehoods.
[speaks in a nasally whiny imitation] Inconsistencies and falsehoods. Look at me, I’m a smart tiny four-limbed planet killer who knows big words!

Planet killer? I could say the same about you. Oh wait, except I couldn’t…Maybe if you weren’t so tiny yourself. Is this a case of tiny asteroid syndrome?
You’re gonna regret talking this way when you discover it’s too late to prevent your imminent demise, knowing you had the chance to ask me what exactly the human race needed to solve all the obstacles for deep space travel.

Look, 2016 QA2…
It’s Gene.

Look, Gene, I know we got off on the wrong foot here. Maybe I approached this from the wrong angle. Maybe I am an insignificant little speck in the universe with an arrogance larger than any hope we have of surviving extraterritorial catastrophes. The universe is a big place. And what humans call home and what you call home is really the same space. We shouldn’t be arguing here. And not because you may hold the key to our survival but because love and harmony are not quantifiable; they are inherent truths arisen from a chaotic system of probability and luck. The fact that an asteroid and a human can be conversing via cellular towers and satellite signals and radio waves or by whatever means all this communication is possible – this is proof that, while the meaning of life may elude us, life will never fail to surprise and dazzle us. What do you say, Gene? Can we just all get along?

Gene? Are you still there?

[static humming then an abrupt unintelligible string of words, then the call ended]

Unfortunately, 2016 QA2, or “Gene” as it would prefer to be remembered, collided with another asteroid during our phone call. The remains scattered into a thousand pieces, most of them hurtling toward the Sun, Gene’s origin of birth and final resting place.